I have a few buddies overseas right now. Due to Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, they’re not allowed to be doing what they’re doing. I’m sure a good number of you have heard of Lt. Dan Choi, the Arabic-Speaking linguist and combat veteran of the Iraq War who was forced to leave the military because he’s gay. Even at U of I you can be kicked out of the ROTC program for being gay (though we can still take your classes, so suck it!).
The following is a letter from one of my friends who is currently stationed in South Korea. He wrote the first half a few years ago and shared it with me and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind me sharing it on With Tongue. He not only agreed, but he wrote an update on his current whereabouts. For obvious reasons I am keeping his identity a secret.
Without any further ado, here are words from an Unknown Soldier:
28NOV07
My car is running in the driveway with the driver side door open, my mother stands at the end of the sidewalk crying, our pointless argument continues like brothers placing blame on each other after being caught playing with matches. “You didn’t take out the trash that day” she yells at me, “Mom” I said; “I haven’t lived here for a year, what are you talking about?” As our argument continued, it becomes more apparent to me that she is beating around the bush, she wants to ask me something and I already know what it is. As if too ashamed to look me in the eye I made it easier for her. “I know what’s bothering you” as I interrupted her tangent; “Yes mom, I am sure whatever it is you heard is true, I’m gay.” With a blank stare she looks up at me and says: “I kind of always known for a while, your step dad will not take it that well.” After that night we didn’t speak again for 2 years.
A year prior to our argument I joined the US Army as a reservist and moved out of my parent’s house, I was only 17. Living in a small Mormon town where everyone knew everyone, it was hard for me to explore let alone talk about. I was a gay atheist in the military; my family owned a few small businesses in the town and it was safe to say that I felt like a fly zipping around the town waiting to get smashed once someone noticed. I was still in high school, after attending my basic training I was living on my own, paying my own bills, finishing my Senior year of High school and had a roommate – which by the way, was in the Army National Guard, attend school at the near by college and was the typical straight guy everyone hated. Being now 18 years old – I had yet been able to express myself or even explore to find out why I felt the way that I did.
Not soon after I was able to explore my sexuality, finally knew what it felt like to be me and not have to hide myself. My first kiss underneath the stars in the middle of a football field, my body tingled as if being uploaded with everything that I needed to know; it was amazing and yet so bitter sweet knowing that I may never be able to experience this without having to kiss with my eyes always open constantly looking over my shoulder making sure nobody sees us. This was the moment that I knew who I was, and knew how I couldn’t be, my choice to live in the dark and live 2 separate lives was decided in that split second underneath the stars on that football field.
A few years later I had grown comfortable with my new unit, they became my family and mentored me into the NCO and man I am now. In 2003 we found ourselves being mobilized for the first time; this I knew was going to be an experience that would change my life forever. We trained for this very moment every drill knowing that we would be knocking at the door of war and there we were turning the door knob. I was deployed for a year and a half and during that time my family became closer to me, I found myself being more open about my sexuality than I ever thought I would be. I hung out in the female tent which displayed a Pride Flag that several of the females had hung over their tent. The longer I spent there the more I realized I was not alone. One of the nights I was walking and talking with one of the lesbian females in my unit. “I don’t know what it is, I love to be with women but there is also that urge to be with a man” she said, I replied: “Me too.” I outted myself and didn’t know it, it was the moment – I felt so involved and belonged that it just came out. She looked at me and gave me a huge hug and said welcome to the family.
From that point most of my unit knew or at least had inkling about my sexuality and to my surprise; I was never treated differently, I never stood on a pedestal and announced to the world about who I was for that would be against UCMJ it was just more of an unspoken truce. If some of the other guys started asking questions about me then the girls would tell them that there is no possible way that I was gay, their conversation about the explanation I will leave to your imagination. I was thankful that there were people even looking out for me, I now had people to talk to and I made true friends for the first time that wasn’t built on a lie. Only 2 times did 2 guys ever come up to me and ask if I were gay, surprisingly I told them the truth. Now, don’t get me wrong I trusted these guys with my life and vice versa. Still no reaction and they would even joke around about it.
My job at the time was in demand and there were only 6 units in the military that did what we did, we mobilized M1 tanks, and removed any damaged or blown up tanks from the battle field back to the rear. I don’t hold myself to any higher standards than anyone else. I have seen other soldiers die fighting for what they believe in, I have seen civilians shot, I have seen terrorist blow themselves up, I have killed, and I had experienced all this before my 21st birthday. I am a soldier and being a soldier was the only thing that mattered.
My promotions were rapid, I went through the ranks of E1 to E4 Specialist in less than 2 years of joining, I decided before taking the next big step to becoming a Sergeant that I wanted yet more experience. When I returned back to the states, there was a large gathering of family and supporters waiting to greet their loved ones, as I navigated my way through the ever-growing crowd I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to have somebody waiting for me as well. I flew back home and got a job working as a computer consultant for a major internet provider and also volunteering my time to my home unit to help backfill any positions they needed, I also got a place of my own but this time I was alone. I came out to the rest of my family and only my family, I told them that I am independent now, I have my life and I am who I am and if they would like to keep me in their lives then they would have to except me for who I was and if they didn’t then they don’t have to. That ultimatum sparked some fear, anger, and understanding that ultimately was accepted by everyone; a small victory.
My time as a civilian passed very quickly between working and traveling for my unit, I eventually re-classed to a new military job, something with a higher mobilization call up than my old transportation unit. My new unit is something that is still in high demand and being rapidly deployed all over the world especially here in Iraq. During my training to become a new member of my unit I happen to run into a First Sergeant of another company that was (at that time) deploying in a few months. After graduation I volunteered to help man his new unit, I had all my belongings put into storage and I moved across country to assist in the creation of the unmanned unit. Within the month the First Sergeant and I had created a working fully manned unit in which I attached myself to and deployed with again in 2006. I was promoted to Sergeant one week prior to our ship date.
To my surprise our arrival in Iraq was not was I expected at all, we were going to head up a newly formed support team to help rebuild the infrastructure within the government of Iraq, a daunting task that has not been easy throughout the years. Our base of operations: The United States Embassy within the Green Zone now known as the International Zone. Our duties, our jobs, our purpose, and all our training was to do another job working with the locals in rebuilding and sustaining neighborhoods were put in the back seat. Our new job was much bigger and “it had never been done before” is what we were told, “if Baghdad fails to rebuild then so will the rest of the country”.
Being located in the International Zone, associated with the US Embassy, and also the organization our unit had formed, we became the front man in assisting the Government of Iraq in rebuilding which in turn made us a high target for Iraq’s militia. Within the first 3 months our Battalion lost 7 soldiers, our compound in the International Zone (IZ) has been targeted countless times by mortar teams as well as rocket teams. Some say it is safer to be out on convoys most of the day due to the mortars impacting inside the IZ, it happened so frequently it seemed to be a way to tell time. Like most soldiers, I have faced my fair share of close calls, stray round bursting through my roof while I am relaxing on my bed, a mortar impacting 7 yards from where I sleep, and being caught outside with mortars and rockets landing within feet of where I was taking cover. Some soldiers are not as lucky as I have been, I have been in Iraq for 2 consecutive years totaling three an a half years, and never had a scratch inflicted. Other soldiers spend less than a week and are sent home with honors and a flag draping their coffins.
I am now a Staff Sergeant, I work in an operations cell as a key member of our organization, and I have escorted over 20 Generals, met 5 US Senators, and escorted numerous official Iraqi Government officials. Serving in Iraq at the US Embassy doing my part for my country not because I feel I have something to prove but because I believe in something that is greater than me. I have a skill and an opportunity to help my fellow Americans, and to help my soldiers. My job and my positions in this organization has been demanding, when I return home I only hope my replacements will have the attention to detail and devotion as I have had because one wrong decision can cost the lives of so many soldiers.
I am in the United States Army; I am a Soldier before anything else. This is my life; this is the path I have chosen. One day I will be a Soldier and a Person without having to worry about stereotypes and discrimination. And one day, my partner will be allowed to wait in the crowd of people waiting to hold me in his loving arms.
Unknown Soldier
19JUL2009 - Update
I have returned from Iraq and couldn’t cope with the civilian life, I started a regular civilian job and just found it lacking the excitement, the unknown the everlasting sense of worthiness. I found a boyfriend and it was perfect besides the fact that I couldn’t concentrate on what was supposed to be important in my life, instead I found myself thinking about the soldiers that I had left behind, the job that I had left. Confused and not sure what I should do it wasn’t long before I found myself leaving my old job in the civilian world, my reserve job in the military which was Civil affairs to go full time active duty and leave everything that was becoming important in my life yet a 4th time. My life that I should have been able to enjoy was over-ran by the military. I thought army, lived army, and wanted army, anything else was just not up to par. My relationship failed and I lost a lot of friends as well as a lot of support from my family.
I am now stationed in South Korea and found a new job that is more stimulating working in the Signal Corps as a Team Chief (same as a team leader or squad leader) for a new highly developed backup system that is still in the theoretical stage of development. I find this job up to my skill level and constantly keeps me challenged in a way that no other position has been able to do. At the cost of so much, and the threat of sacrificing what I have always wanted which was to live a normal gay life and not be judged or threat of prosecution and being thrown in jail for being gay in the military. My boyfriend which I loved didn’t understand why I had to leave but understood that I made my decision which almost cost me his friendship in the end to better my life and to become the other person I had always wanted to be A Soldier.
I want you to know that no matter what, I am going to be who I am going to be, somebody has to do it. Any gay military member may not be able to say this out loud to everyone but we do feel the emotions both bad and good on both sides of the argument of gays in the military, especially those who are dedicated to military life like myself , that we love reading the support pages as well as the constant news of a promise that had yet to be made true or false by letting gays serve openly in the military. But one thing is constant , your support and I love and am inspired everyday by reading articles and comments about everyday gay life and culture that I am missing out on and can not participate in. For it is you and your accepting friends and family that give me the strength to move forward and live everyday with the passion to push forward and help as much (although it is very little) as I can to press on. So thank you for your support, although most military men and women in the GLBT world may not be able to express at this time due to restrictions on current policies, we hear you and are by your side everyday at every moment…. Thank you for your help and service fighting this other war.
UNK Soldier.
