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That Dirty Place You Never Admit You Went To

posted by Liam Reed at 9:57 pm.

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I was in Munich a little over a week ago with my buddy Max. We had spent the day with our friends Roman and Mathias but they abandoned us midway throughout the day in order to head back to Vienna, 5 hours away. We enjoyed the rest of the day looking at cars and bikes at BMW World, listening to a weird techno band at the Olympic Stadium, eating delicious Japanese food, and walking around the city with a beer in hand.

You should know that the entire time I was in Vienna I begged my friends to take me to Sling, this creepy bar that has a piss cinema and private rooms. It was now near the end of my stay and it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to Sling, so I asked Max if there was anything comparable in Munich. He said he knew a place and that he would take me there, but that if I were to write about it, to make sure I emphasize that we went strictly for learning purposes. While this is true, you can go ahead and assume that I did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE, because it really doesn’t matter.

We went to this hotel near the gay district (if one can call it that) of Munich. It’s called the Deutsche Eiche (German Oak, common oak) and from the outside it looks like nothing more than a hotel and restaurant. We went inside and we waited next to a door. A man on the other side saw us over a television screen and buzzed us in. While the Deutsche Eiche is a hotel and a restaurant, it’s also a gay bathhouse.

As we walked through the door the guy behind the counter was already getting our towels ready. We asked for two lockers and received bracelets with our keys on them. We only had to pay 10 bucks because we were under 26 years old. You can imagine what the normal clientele is like.

Inside the locker room there were actually some pretty hot guys with washboard abs and amazing pecs. Unfortunately these were guys who were just leaving. After dropping trou and putting on our towels, we left the lockers and entered the bathhouse itself.

At first it doesn’t seem too bad. Sure it was dark and everything seemed to be in a shade of deep blue, but it wasn’t creepy. There were lots of locked rooms that you could rent in order to take care of business if you found a new friend and didn’t want to do anything in public.

That’s when I saw the armchairs. I made Max sit down with me to see if anyone would start a conversation with us. We decided to speak in English so we could say whatever we want. Of course people could understand us, but we were counting on people looking for sex and not being able to concentrate on English.

Two guys sat directly in front of us. They didn’t say a single word but they didn’t mind looking at us. Max said that the guy sitting across from us was getting an erection, which is why he kept urging me to get up so we could continue exploring.

We continued. The place is sort of like a maze in that there were corners everywhere and you never knew what was coming next. We turned one corner and all of a sudden saw 5 guys sitting next to each other on a large bench and watching porn, jacking each other off. When we continued another few feet you could see that on the other side of the wall there were holes that allowed you to watch the guys jerking off. Only one guy was using these so apparently it isn’t that popular of a feature.

We went upstairs so we could check out the rooms that involve water. The jacuzzi didn’t have many bubbles so this way you could see just how naked everyone in the tub was. Max and I must either be INCREDIBLY SEXY or these guys really just get off on young men, cause as we walked by some flaccid dick was no longer very flaccid.

Next up was the steam room, which was hotter than any steam room I had ever been in. There were two guys fucking each other but it was so dark that all we could do was see two figures moving and hear some grunting. Max burnt himself on a radiator and we then left the room. My nostrils cleared up and I could breathe in through my nose for the first time since springtime. It smelled like cum.

The final frontier was the dark room on the lower level. It was black and it was definitely another maze, because there were so many twists and turns and nooks and crannies. This was the scariest place I have ever been in my life, and I’ve been to Iowa. It felt like one of those haunted houses that you go to when you’re a kid and you hold on to shoulders of whoever is in front of you, never knowing what is going to jump out at you next. You’re walking … you’re walking … you turn the corner and BAM! THERE’S AN OLD NAKED MAN MASTURBATING! I saw some things I had never seen before, such as this behemoth of a fat man lying in a lump on a bench slowly stroking his small penis as he watched me walk by. Max leaned next to me, “If anyone touches you, feel free to hit them.”

That’s the rule, actually. There’s no unwanted touching allowed. Everything in the bathhouse is completely consensual and everyone respected this rule, at least when it came to me and Max. Sure, when we left each other to do individual exploring some guys followed each of us around, but no one ever touched and since we never gave them a signal they eventually gave up and started following someone else. They kind of reminded me of sex-craved zombies.

In fact, everyone I talked to inside was really friendly. While Max went upstairs to the steam room I chilled out in my towel in the TV room and watched Silence of the Lambs. An older guy sat next to me and we talked about how this is a great movie and how hilarious it is when Hannibal Lector manages to kill the two security guards and rips the one guy’s face off with his teeth. My worst experience inside the bathhouse was when I walked barefoot into a piece of gum that someone spit out on the floor, which, considering where I was, was really gross, but not nearly the worst that could possibly have happened.

The weird thing about this place is that after spending 2 hours in there I really got horny, even though the guys in there weren’t necessarily attractive. There’s just something about seeing that much porn and hearing that much live groaning and balls slamming into asses that really makes you want to have sex. I didn’t even jerk off, but I ended up regretting that fact a mere 30 minutes after we left the building. Max had started looking for his keys so we could drive back to Salzburg for the night but it turned out he lost them. That night I ended up sleeping on a park bench in the Olympic Stadium park and was horny as all hell.

There are several morals to this the story. First, don’t judge these places as being seedy and rape-filled. They offer condoms and all the guys were really respectful, and they seem to be more afraid of you than you are of them. Second, whenever you have the chance to masturbate, take it. You never know when you’ll have a chance to jerk it next.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com