I’m sure most of you are probably more interested in reading about what’s going on in Iran than in reading anything I have to say. After all, this is a revolution unlike anything people our age have ever really seen before, and to think that Twitter is one of the main weapons of choice. But, like it or not, Iran chose to have a revolution the same month as gay pride, so clearly they weren’t thinking things through and they should have waited until we had our giant parties and got drunk on floats with rainbow streamers first, this way we wouldn’t have to feel guilty about having a good time while there are people dying in the streets standing up for their rights. I know, they’re like, omg, totally selfish.

So, since gay pride is the topic, there are actually several smaller subtopics that I want to touch upon.

The first one is that of the parade itself. I know a lot of people have a problem with it because many see it as a way of putting all gay people into a single category: drunken guys with six packs and boas dancing on floats that advertise for businesses such as Miller Lite w/Lime and KY. I am actually pretty pro-parade because I see it as more of a celebration and not necessarily a means of gaining equal rights. Maybe I’ve just been out for too long to think of it as this big liberating experience, but in my mind it’s just a party celebrating sexuality. And I know a lot of people don’t like that, but in the last few years have you seen more groups of people who are coming out and showing actual gay pride or have you seen more companies and politicians advertising that they’re “down with the homo?”

The next topic I want to touch upon is these ever-increasing gay movies where “being gay” is the main subject of the movie. I finally gave in and watched Prayers for Bobby last night. I hated this movie. From the opening scene you know that the kid is going to commit suicide because his mom was mean and loved the Bible a bit too much, but then after he dies she comes around and regrets that it took her so long. I would say SPOILER! but like I said, this is all pretty obvious in the first 5 minutes, especially when coupled with the fact that it aired on Lifetime.

I don’t understand how so many gay kids my age LOVE this movie and why they have to watch it over and over again. It’s full of crappy acting and a plot that somehow manages to drag and be predictable every step of the way. I know it’s based on a true story, and I know it’s tragic that kids are killing themselves for this reason all the time, but this is a movie that is meant to convince moms who are on the fence regarding gays to just give in and love their gay children. Yes, these movies are important for people to see, but why do I have to suffer through them? I’d much rather go see The Final Destination and watch people die glorious deaths. Now that’s a good time.

The third thing I want to ask you fine people about is how you feel about being gay. I recently had a conversation with a gay friend in which he told me that if he had the choice he would rather be straight than gay. I suppose I understand this for like … a minute, but in the end I just feel insulted. I get that it would make having kids a lot easier. I also get that you don’t have to call up Granny Ihatethecoloredsandfags and tell her that you’re gay, but after that? What about all those relationships? The friends that you’ve made? The experiences you’ve had? Dancing to Lady GaGa and not feeling any shame about it?

I think the main problem I have with this is that a lot of the experiences I have had over the past 7 or 8 years have been because I have been gay. In high school, for instance, I ended up befriending a gay kid who ended up convincing me that I would never apply for studying abroad. If I didn’t hear that, I wouldn’t have gone for it to prove him wrong. I would never have learned German or met the wonderful families that I did. I would never have ended up studying in Austria and meeting some of the best and closest friends I have ever had. I know that my life would be filled with other things. Like maybe I would have taken a class on auto mechanics or gotten a girl pregnant, but I’m pretty satisfied with my life up to this point, and the past 7 years have been really awesome and I wouldn’t trade them in just so I could be straight. I am sure that a lot of you are happy to be straight and that’s great, but it’s just not for me.

OH! And the sex! Fuck, can you gay guys imagine being straight and never being fucked? Like, ever? I have met plenty of straight guys who are comfortable with many things, but being fucked (whether by a dildo, strap on, fingers, a dude’s dick, a highlighter, or whatever) is not usually something that they’re willing to try. So, hypothetically, if you were straight you would probably never get to experience the pleasures that is anal sex, at least not on the receiving end. How horrible is that? Pretty damn horrible.

I think what I am getting at is that I am going to live my life the way I see fit. I am gonna dance to Lady GaGa and I am going to have anal sex. I am going to party at a parade and I’m going to watch movies where a guy’s ass is sucked through a vacuum (that’s Final Destination, not porn). And when it comes to those gay movies, go ahead and write them, direct them, star in them, watch them, but please, don’t nag me to watch them with you.

And uh … make sure you catch up on something that actually matters. This Iran thing is kind of a big deal.

****

I just got a message on Facebook regarding the 4th of July Parade in CU:

Please subscribe to the Facebook event if you just want to cheer us on in the march:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=94043146143

Hey Y’all

It’s summer, and you know what that means: getting the fuck out of Champaign.

If you can get away from your crappy job at Express for 20 minutes, you should check out Jay Brannan. He’s playing at Schubas and lucky for you you only have to be 18 to get in (as opposed to the usual 21+).

Jay Brannan
Schubas (3169 N Southport, Chicago)
Tuesday, July 14, 9 PM
$15 tickets when purchased online

Get tickets here
Facebook event is here

Fast forward a bit through the vid ’cause his announcements are old now, but the song is good.

Hey y’all,

If you’d like to receive a notification of when I update the blog, become a fan of the column on Facebook! Just click this link and then become a fan.

Many hearts,

W.T.

This may come as a surprise, but I’m the type of guy who likes to masturbate. I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Oh Liam, not you! You’re much too angelic to ever dare practice the art of burping the worm! I would never think of you as someone who dances the Sticky Page Rhumba!”

But alas, friends, I am the type of person who masturbates. I’m also kind of lazy at times. My house sits opposite a somewhat large apartment building, and apparently I should probably start pulling down the blinds. My roommates and I had a barbecue this past Saturday and a girl across the street screamed from her third story balcony, “Which of you guys has the room that we can see into?!”

“That’s mine.”

“We saw you watching porn!!!”

Well. That’s lovely. I brought this story up last night at Murphy’s with a few of my coworkers. We expanded on the topic of masturbation and one of my friends, “Jolly Jane,” mentioned that her husband would never allow her to see him masturbating. Apparently a lot of straight guys think of masturbation purely as a means of getting off. On the other hand, he would love to watch Jolly Jane masturbate. When women masturbate (and this is according to one person, but I can dig it), it becomes much more of a sexual experience. I then heard a story about how Jolly Jane masturbated on a long drive once, and even though she didn’t orgasm, it was still a noteworthy experience (and please, feel free to make as many “shifting gears” jokes as you want). One of my male coworkers, Sexy Sal, chimed in with a similar story, but it involved having to pull off to the side of the road to quickly jerk off and then wipe up with a Burger King napkin. Sal’s act was in search of instant gratification, whereas Jane’s was a bit more extensive.

Of course, we need to keep in mind that both of these fine people were driving, and that it’s a lot more difficult for a man to conceal his masturbation while driving than it is for a woman. What if these people were in their respective homes and taking their time? Is masturbation for a woman generally always sexy and is a man always just seeking a quick fix?

Clearly I cannot be certain about straight guys when it comes to masturbation, but something tells me that they’re a lot less likely to incorporate ass play into their masturbation routines. I know quite a few gay guys who are willing to use cock rings, dildos, or even just their fingers while jerking off, and it’s for this reason that I think that a gay guy is more likely to feel sexual while masturbating than a straight guy.

I can’t imagine why this would be. The more time and effort I put into masturbating, the more rewarding the experience turns out to be. So here’s my question, does the argument that straight guys find masturbation to be more of a quick fix than a sexual experience have any merit? If so, why do you think that is? And I’m not saying that straight guys don’t enjoy masturbating (cause they clearly do), but why can’t it be something that’s sexy?

I need to shower. See ya, homies.

I was in Munich a little over a week ago with my buddy Max. We had spent the day with our friends Roman and Mathias but they abandoned us midway throughout the day in order to head back to Vienna, 5 hours away. We enjoyed the rest of the day looking at cars and bikes at BMW World, listening to a weird techno band at the Olympic Stadium, eating delicious Japanese food, and walking around the city with a beer in hand.

You should know that the entire time I was in Vienna I begged my friends to take me to Sling, this creepy bar that has a piss cinema and private rooms. It was now near the end of my stay and it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to Sling, so I asked Max if there was anything comparable in Munich. He said he knew a place and that he would take me there, but that if I were to write about it, to make sure I emphasize that we went strictly for learning purposes. While this is true, you can go ahead and assume that I did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE, because it really doesn’t matter.

We went to this hotel near the gay district (if one can call it that) of Munich. It’s called the Deutsche Eiche (German Oak, common oak) and from the outside it looks like nothing more than a hotel and restaurant. We went inside and we waited next to a door. A man on the other side saw us over a television screen and buzzed us in. While the Deutsche Eiche is a hotel and a restaurant, it’s also a gay bathhouse.

As we walked through the door the guy behind the counter was already getting our towels ready. We asked for two lockers and received bracelets with our keys on them. We only had to pay 10 bucks because we were under 26 years old. You can imagine what the normal clientele is like.

Inside the locker room there were actually some pretty hot guys with washboard abs and amazing pecs. Unfortunately these were guys who were just leaving. After dropping trou and putting on our towels, we left the lockers and entered the bathhouse itself.

At first it doesn’t seem too bad. Sure it was dark and everything seemed to be in a shade of deep blue, but it wasn’t creepy. There were lots of locked rooms that you could rent in order to take care of business if you found a new friend and didn’t want to do anything in public.

That’s when I saw the armchairs. I made Max sit down with me to see if anyone would start a conversation with us. We decided to speak in English so we could say whatever we want. Of course people could understand us, but we were counting on people looking for sex and not being able to concentrate on English.

Two guys sat directly in front of us. They didn’t say a single word but they didn’t mind looking at us. Max said that the guy sitting across from us was getting an erection, which is why he kept urging me to get up so we could continue exploring.

We continued. The place is sort of like a maze in that there were corners everywhere and you never knew what was coming next. We turned one corner and all of a sudden saw 5 guys sitting next to each other on a large bench and watching porn, jacking each other off. When we continued another few feet you could see that on the other side of the wall there were holes that allowed you to watch the guys jerking off. Only one guy was using these so apparently it isn’t that popular of a feature.

We went upstairs so we could check out the rooms that involve water. The jacuzzi didn’t have many bubbles so this way you could see just how naked everyone in the tub was. Max and I must either be INCREDIBLY SEXY or these guys really just get off on young men, cause as we walked by some flaccid dick was no longer very flaccid.

Next up was the steam room, which was hotter than any steam room I had ever been in. There were two guys fucking each other but it was so dark that all we could do was see two figures moving and hear some grunting. Max burnt himself on a radiator and we then left the room. My nostrils cleared up and I could breathe in through my nose for the first time since springtime. It smelled like cum.

The final frontier was the dark room on the lower level. It was black and it was definitely another maze, because there were so many twists and turns and nooks and crannies. This was the scariest place I have ever been in my life, and I’ve been to Iowa. It felt like one of those haunted houses that you go to when you’re a kid and you hold on to shoulders of whoever is in front of you, never knowing what is going to jump out at you next. You’re walking … you’re walking … you turn the corner and BAM! THERE’S AN OLD NAKED MAN MASTURBATING! I saw some things I had never seen before, such as this behemoth of a fat man lying in a lump on a bench slowly stroking his small penis as he watched me walk by. Max leaned next to me, “If anyone touches you, feel free to hit them.”

That’s the rule, actually. There’s no unwanted touching allowed. Everything in the bathhouse is completely consensual and everyone respected this rule, at least when it came to me and Max. Sure, when we left each other to do individual exploring some guys followed each of us around, but no one ever touched and since we never gave them a signal they eventually gave up and started following someone else. They kind of reminded me of sex-craved zombies.

In fact, everyone I talked to inside was really friendly. While Max went upstairs to the steam room I chilled out in my towel in the TV room and watched Silence of the Lambs. An older guy sat next to me and we talked about how this is a great movie and how hilarious it is when Hannibal Lector manages to kill the two security guards and rips the one guy’s face off with his teeth. My worst experience inside the bathhouse was when I walked barefoot into a piece of gum that someone spit out on the floor, which, considering where I was, was really gross, but not nearly the worst that could possibly have happened.

The weird thing about this place is that after spending 2 hours in there I really got horny, even though the guys in there weren’t necessarily attractive. There’s just something about seeing that much porn and hearing that much live groaning and balls slamming into asses that really makes you want to have sex. I didn’t even jerk off, but I ended up regretting that fact a mere 30 minutes after we left the building. Max had started looking for his keys so we could drive back to Salzburg for the night but it turned out he lost them. That night I ended up sleeping on a park bench in the Olympic Stadium park and was horny as all hell.

There are several morals to this the story. First, don’t judge these places as being seedy and rape-filled. They offer condoms and all the guys were really respectful, and they seem to be more afraid of you than you are of them. Second, whenever you have the chance to masturbate, take it. You never know when you’ll have a chance to jerk it next.