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LifeBall & The Porn Identity

posted by Liam Reed at 3:00 am.

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It has been a pretty fantastic couple of days. I would write all about it but it’d bore the hell out of you, so I just want to tell you about two things.

The day of LifeBall I went to a brunch hosted by this Spaniard named Pelayo. We got there and he was incredibly welcoming, especially considering he didn’t know a majority of the people that tagged along in our group, myself included. Brunch for over 40 people consisted of lots of meat, speads, breads, pasta salad, and of course, a bissl Sekt zum Frühstuck. I really love that brunch is reason enough for Europeans to start drinking. The party apparently made its way through 53 bottles of champagne.

After a few good conversations about German/U.S. politics and German literature, conversation finally ended up on sex thanks to the game I Have Never, which is apparently an international hit. It was pretty awesome because the game was being carried on in 3 languages and the players came from Germany, Austria, Spain, and the U.S.

Needless to say, by the time me and my buddies made it to LifeBall that night we were pretty restless. We talked to our friends Moe and Oliver who were going to be working on the red carpet (which was actually blue this year to fit the theme of Water). Here is a pic of them being sexy Austrian sailors:

This year was different from last year in that to stand on the red carpet you had to pay an entrance fee of 13 €. That didn’t fly with my friends so we ended up ditching early and went home to watch the event on TV and continue drinking. We listened to Fran Drescher make a speech and introduce Bill Clinton. At one point Pam Anderson came on to open the fashion show (seriously, are all models fags?) and her breasts were as gigantic as ever. Katy Perry performed as a mermaid in a seashell and the background to the stage was some sort of giant Tiki head that reminded me of Legends of the Hidden Temple. There was some pretty lame ballet but I think it was only lame because I was drunk and wanted more action, like Step Up 2: The Streets. That shit is hot.

A lot of people were complaining that LifeBall is no longer about fighting HIV/AIDS, but it has morphed into a huge social event where celebrities push their own agendas. The money is all going toward fighting AIDS though, and therefore I guess it doesn’t really matter. If you want to know more about the event itself, check out my article from last year.

After watching LifeBall we continued drinking until we went to U4, this dance club with two dancing rooms: one playing techno, the other playing hits from the 60s and 70s. Obviously I stayed in the 60s/70s room because that music is way baller. A bunch of guys kept surrounding our little group because they were jonesin after our friend Luigi (she’s super hot) and one of the guys looked like that dude with the tall hair from Twilight. I mentioned this but my friends thought he was more like some guy (Brandon?) from 90210.

Now, yesterday was also pretty amazing. I went to this museum exhibit called The Porn Identity. It was basically an exhibit with lots of different forms of pornography playing. I think the intent was to show that pornography can be an artform but I’m not really sure.

The picture above is half of a single piece by Stanley Kubrick called the Korova Milkbar.

The first part of the exhibit has lots of books about porn and a bicycle that, when you pedal, moves a dildo up and down through the seat. My friend Roman yelled at me when I started pedaling the wheels to see it work but I eally couldn’t help myself. Toys like that are just begging to be played with!

The next part of the exhbit was a recreation of Lolita, except this time with lesbians. They separated the piece into 6 small rooms in which the story is carried out in various ways. The first room introduces the characters with 3 television screens, the second room has a sequence of maybe 5 or 6 photos showing the mother being killed by the car, and the third room shows a car ride shared by the young Lolita and her new caretaker. You are able to read their thoughts by way of subtitles. Then there’s a room where you are only able to hear audio of what’s going on, and in the very final room you have one screen where you see the Lolita and the caretaker having sex. Opposite of this screen is another television that is showing the older woman watching herself have sex with the young girl on the televison across from her, realizing what she is doing. It was the most complicated porn I had ever seen.

In the next section of the exhibit there were mabe 30 different televisions hanging from the ceiling with all different types of porn on them. Some porn was from the 1920s, others involved Ron Jeremy having sex with dolls that turn into real women, and then there was gay fascist porn by a guy called Bruce LaBruce, which was by far my favorite. Apparently this guy has a way of mixing porn with indie films, kind of like Donnie Darko meets Pirates except more badass. Also randomly placed in this room was a playboy pinball machine that had two giant legs coming out of the front of the machine. Naturally you insert the quarter in the vagina.

The last section was one I also deeply enjoyed. There was this piece that was basically a bunch of horse stables and it had something to do with masochism and how we treat ourselves blah blah blah artspeak blah blah blah. Then, there was this amazing (and by amazing I mean I watched it several times while I was in the room) video called Pornographic Apathetic. I was very excited to find a copy of it online and recommend that you check out the link. It’s basically 4 people having sex at a table without actually having sex or displaying emotion.

And then, as a finale, they had a bunch of TVs stacked on top of each other all playing porn, sort of like The Brady Bunch family if they were all having sex during the opening credits. I would love to show you pics but, like the video linked above, isn’t really 217 appropriate.

If you can get to Vienna in the next few days before the exhibit closes, I highly recommend checking it out. If not, uh …. I don’t know. Come over to my house and I will show you the pics. We can grill and have a few beers. It’ll be great.

In the meantime, I am gonna go wander around Vienna. Til next time, homies.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com