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That Eternal First Day

posted by Liam Reed at 1:13 am.

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I just woke up from my first day in Vienna. It’s 8:30 here so it’s 1:30 AM in Chicago.

My sister was kind enough to drive me to Ohare for my flight at 2:30. It was going to beging boarding at 1:30 and I would be damned if I was going to miss my flight so Tara got me there by 11:30. She dropped me off at the International terminal but apparently this was the wrong place to be. United Airlines has its own terminal to itself because it’s a monstrous corporation that enjoy sucking on the credit cards of millions of Americans. From th International terminal I went to terminal 3, which is where the map said United was located. They did have a spot there, but when I talked to the guys working they said they couldn’t check in my luggage because that has to be done in the first terminal. The guys were incredibly rude and didn’t look me in the eye when they were talking to me, as if I should have known better. I was asking questions because I didn’t know better, so it was hard for me to grasp their logic.

Over the next 2 hours I killied time by eating McDonalds and talking to my buddy Mason on the phone. Then it came to board and my ticket didn’t have a seat number printed on it. United told me that they overbooked the flight by 40 people and didn’t have a seat for me and that I’d have to take another flight, even though I paid for this one.

Naturally I started freaking out. I probably sent my friends in Vienna 8 text messages before I knew which new flight I was on. The people at United were actually really nice and accomodating and got me on another flight. They also gave me a kajillion dollars in free plane tickets, so that was pretty awesome. The only problem was was that I ended up in Ohare from 11:30 AM until 9:45 PM. It was not a happy time. I killed more of my cellphone battery talking to Mason who kept me from getting pissed off about the wait time. Then I realized I left my phone charger in the kitchen of my parents’ house. Balls.

I watched the first fight scene in Kill Bill (my favorite) and checked in with Lufthansa. These guys were incredibly nice and the girl who got me my seat (window seat with a shit ton of leg room) told me about a man who was trapped in the airport for 4 days but made total bank cashing in on repeatedly overbooked flights.

I spent the next few hours walking back and forth and watching the movie Traffic. With drugs on the mind I was incredibly tempted to buy a handle of Jim Beam (duty free!) and take care of the next few hours that way. I ultimately chose against it and talked to an old woman instead. She was on my flight and told me about the first time she ever flew in a plane was from Germany to the U.S. back in the 60s. Apparentlz it was an incredibly small plane and it had to stop in Ireland and Iceland in order to make it across the entire ocean. She said it was a flight she would never forget, and therefore the reason she would never complain about long travel times.

On the plane I was seated next to Lorenzo. Lorenzo seemed like a nice guy and was talking to someone on his cell phone who I assumed was his girlfriend. We got to talking and it turns out he had previously done all kinds of work. I’m wishing I had jotted some of his multiple jobs down, but the only one I can remember is that he worked for the police at some point. I thought that odd because he had gotten his undergrad in philosophy, and now he’s working on his master’s in theology.

“Oh really? What do you plan on doing with theology?”

“Well, actually, when I finish I’ll be a priest I just hide my badge.”

At this point he slid the white collar out from underneath his black collar. I couldn’t believe that they seated me next to a Catholic priest. From Texas.

Truth be told, the guy was actually pretty baller. He told me about how in college he did do a lot of drinking and that at one point he had roommates who were always blaying up and watching porn. One of the best moments on the plane was when the babies near us were crying and screaming and he leaned over to me and said, “Seriously, celibacy really is a blessing.”

He asked what I do and I told him that aside from studying I write a sex column about gay people. I told him about the typesof articles I write and he seemed genuinely interested. He says that the Catholic church when it comes to homosexuality and that most people don’t follow the catechism, which says we should treat homos like everyone else.

He did say, however, that it’s hard for him to be in support of gay marriage. I didn’t give him a chance to explain and I told him that I didn’t want to be married in the name of his god anyway but that it’s totally bogus that a so-called religious institution is granted state rights that aren’t available to people outside the religion.

He made an argument about how we should “love the homosexual, the person.” In other words he was saing to love the sinner and hate the sin. I hate this argument and find it insulting.

He asked if I believed in God and I told him no and that it’s difficult to believe in a god when you’re told your whole life that you’re going to Hell. He told me that he didn’t want to preach, but that I shouldn’t let a bunch of ignorant people inhibit my ability to have faith in God, “He did create you in his image and he does love you.”

I neglected to mention my true religious and philosophical views are more akin to LaVeyan Satanism. I figured that this would turn into a huge (possibly uncomfortable) discussion and one that I wasn’t prepared to lose but probably would. After all, the dude studies theology and I study things like German economics. I really hate losing. Instead we brought the conversation to a close and we both watched Bolt on our miniscreens. Pretty fucking cute if I do say so myself.

I slept for a bit but not nearly long enough. The screaming children were surrounding us, but luckily they had high-pitched enough voices that it reminded me of the screams from that YouTube video, Kittens Inspired by Kittens.

After my catnap (ha.) Lorenzo and I talked a bit more, this time about an exboyfriend of mine. He had asked what I was reading, and the book I had was called Love: The Legacy of Cain by Sacher-Masoch. This is the guy they named masochism after, so it somehow came up that I dated a guy who now has a master. I told Lorenzo what I knew about it, that he is basically being dominated by this guy but also that he is the happiest he has ever been in his life. I told him that though it’s clearly an unconventional lifestyle that I have no room to judge because, after all, he really is happy. His sex life doesn’t affect my own, so why should I really give a shit that he now wears a chain around his necK?

Then we talked about soccer and developing nations and blah blah blah until we made it to Munich. In Munich I hung out with this girl named Anna who had overheard me talking to Lorenzo about going to U of I. She is also a history major here but we never took any classes together. Naturally we started talking about Polish people and how they’re ostracized to the back of the airport where no one can see them.

I had to take a bus to my next flight. On the bus an old Asian man with a cane fell asleep and leaned on my shoulder. How he managed to do this in the 7 minute bus ride is unbelievable.

I finally ended up in Vienna and my buddies were all there to greet me. They brought me back to my buddy Christian’s place where I showered and had delicious espresso.

We went to a restaurant called 7 Sterne and I had a huge plate of some form of schnitzel with a half liter of beer. Freaking delicious. I was getting sleepy but after a while we went to the Museums Quartier where I was able to drink wine and meet up with a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in a year, including my buddy Sule who actually goes to Bradley back home in Illinois. Sule and I have decided to make this trip of mine as sexual as possible so hopefully in the next few days I will write about a museum installation called The Porno Identity as well as this incredibly skanky club called Sling. It’s going to be a blast.

Tonight I’ll be visiting the LifeBall at the city’s rathaus. Apparently Bill Clinto, Fran Drescher, Katy Perry, and Pam Anderson will all be in attendance. I am so fucking stoked.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com