Dan is a bit different from our last fratty specimen, Ron. Dan rushed his sophomore year and he did so being out of the closet.
“Yeah, no one really cared that I was gay.”
Dan was able to find a frat, however, that already had two gay (and out) members. Dan told me that, “It is definitely safe to be out in a frat, but if you’re not honest with who you are, you won’t find the right frat for you.”
I had mentioned to Dan how the previous guy I interviewed, Ron, had hidden more of his hookups. Since Dan is out, I was interested in his experiences with hooking up. He told me that he never felt the need to hide his sex life and that it has never been a big deal to bring a guy home.
When it comes to social circles on this campus, it seems that a lot of gay guys stick together. Many gay guys I know are friends strictly with other gay guys, and since Ron broke that stereotype I was wondering if Dan would be doing the same. He told me that a lot of his friends are bros in the Greek system, both gay and straight, as well as friends outside the Greek system, both gay and straight.
“My friends have to be well-rounded. I’m not going to be friends with someone just because they have the same sexual orientation that I do.”
When it comes to going out, Dan has been to C St. a couple of times but he doesn’t make it a habit because it’s simply too far away. C St. is the only gay bar in town (okay, FuBar and Boltini are pretty faggy too, and I hear there’s a new Dyke bar in town too…), but not even C St. is willing to call itself as a “strictly gay” bar. This, I find, is a good thing, but there’s no way in hell you’re going to convince U of I students that C St. isn’t a gay bar. Point of the story is, there are only so many places that welcome gays as their main customers, and I wanted to ask Dan whether or not that was a problem.
“Well, you can go to C.O.s and make out with a dude, but you will get dirty looks. The same goes for heterosexuals at C St. Really, PDAs in general are going to get you stared at. The most unsafe places for LGBT students are probably dark parking lots at night and some frats, but definitely not all of them. Campus is pretty much safe for everyone, especially in comparison to Chicago.”
This got us on the topic of frats themselves. Dan told me that since he’s made his presence known in his frat, the guys have toned down their use of terms like “faggot” and “that’s so gay,” but he feels that even when they do use these terms they’re usually not meant in a negative way.
“Yeah, other bros call people out now too. Bros look out for each other.”
Apparently the guys actually can get interested in the subject of homosexuality, and, after they’ve had a bit of liquid courage, they manage to ask Dan questions varying from “So, do you have a boyfriend?” to “Dude, who gives better head, guys or chicks?”
At this point Dan interjected, wanting to make sure I was aware, that, “I could tell you a name of a gay guy in every frat on this campus. There are guys that get drunk and do stuff who can’t possibly really have a problem with homosexuality.”
These guys don’t really interest Dan though, “I wouldn’t want to mess around with someone closeted ‘cause that’s just added drama and bullshit. Less effort needs to go into it if they’re out.”
His advice for guys who are in the closet and in a frat?
“Start by telling your two closest buddies, whether they’re in the house or not. You’d be surprised that it doesn’t actually spread. People didn’t tell other people. Just start with a few people to see how they react. Not everyone will be cool with it, but that’s not the end of the world. I’ve been lucky in finding people who don’t really care.”
And when it comes to benefits of being out of the closet:
“Bros are supposed to be your closest friends. You are holding back by not being yourself. If you don’t want to come out, you won’t be able to have a relationship necessarily. I would never say that you have to come out. If you’re not sure, WAIT.”
On whether gay guys should rush at all:
“I would encourage gay guys to rush, totally, but there are certain frats you should really stay away from. Not all frats are stereotypical 100% of the time. There are aspects asides from getting laid and drunk all the time. But frats aren’t for everyone. Guys who shouldn’t pledge are guys who are reserved. The whole point is to be social and make new friends. Be willing to put yourself out there. If you have trouble opening up to people, a frat isn’t the place to start.”
And when it comes to ending some stereotypes about frats:
“Gays in frats are a lot more prevalent than you think. And it’s not like I’m the “gay” bro. It’s not my defining characteristic. It comes off as downplayed, but it isn’t just ignored. I would also give frat guys a lot more credit for being understanding than you’d think. Just cause they make jokes about it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It’s actually more of a human response if you think about it. I’m in a minority, but it’s cool.”
****
On another note, I’m going to do some shameless promotion of the LGBT Office. Here is a message that I stole from Lyndon Stewart from the LGBT Resource Center:
Heya folks,
The LGBT Resource Center still needs a group of undergrad and grad students who either frequent or do not frequent our office. We’re doing a focus group designed to structure our long term goals so we need your input on what you want from us or wish you could see in the future.
The focus group will be THURSDAY, APRIL 2nd, at 5PM, in the LGBT Resource Center (323 Illini Union). We’ll have free food for you and it should be an informative and insightful meeting.
We really need people to participate so if you’re interested please send me a message!
cstewar2@illinois.edu
Thank you!
Lyndon
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
Ron (Ron) says:
(Posted April 1st, 2009 at 9:45 am)
Dan made two points that I really agreed with:
1) For gay rushes, there are certain frats you should stay away from. The frats that are overly concerned with their reputation and image aren’t exactly the most accepting of gay rushes. You’d be surrounded by a bunch of self-absorbed and superficial pricks anyway.
2) Frats aren’t for everyone. Dan was dead-on. It’s for really outgoing people who like to put themselves out there. I’ve noticed the shy types tend to not enjoy it as much as say the really social ones.
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted April 1st, 2009 at 9:46 am)
Kudos, Dan! This is fantastic. The positivity here is refreshing. What I want to know is how the LGBT Resource Center could possibly help to make a positive difference for our gay fraternity buds? Plus how should we go about trying to downplay the stereotypes about being gay in a fraternity?
This series of posts is so insightful!
Z (Z) says:
(Posted April 1st, 2009 at 3:55 pm)
Ron+Dan,
I’d say that if you want to rush being openly gay, there are certain houses that might not give you the chance. However, if you’re the type (like I am) that want people to get to know you as a person before they have any idea who you like to sleep with, you might find that some of the frats that are “overly concerned with image” are more accepting than you might think. Once they know you, they are more likely to accept you. Not saying that’s the way it should be, but it is the way it is.
But again, if you want to rush being openly gay, there are probably some houses that might not give you the chance no matter how stupid it is.
Manny (Manny) says:
(Posted April 1st, 2009 at 7:10 pm)
I hate to play devils advocate… Although I find “Dan’s” story to be encouraging and realistic to a point that provides hope to the next generation of “LGBTQA” students whom enter the boundaries of a “sheltered” life within the founded walls of the U of I campus life style.. Yet realistically, such acceptance does not become as accessible far after “we” the closet individuals of the world.. side ways from these “sheltered, protective” societies that we call life… a fairy life in my opinion, a life which is not “Real”. No offense intended, Please dont get me wrong, this is not a means to attack you or the interviewee, as I really enjoy reading the different view points, as myself continues to learn each and every day about the struggles of being a “Bi-sexual” Latino in this crazzy game we call life….but the reality is that this opinion of “Dan” only justifies what “we” , sheltered, the “LGBTQA” community can hold onto a dying hope that the acceptance of being gay will one day be totally accepted…… Now maybe I have a lot to learn about the “LGBTQA” community, however; “DAN: said it himself as he stated and I quote “I’ve been lucky in finding people who don’t really care.”… now with this being said, we are encouraging those whom are “closet” to be open about their sexuality to the world, yet this world is a cruel cold taunt, which shall do nothing more but hinder the voice and image of a gay male and put it aside from reality and then in the mist of darkness eliminate the root of the cause… now this may not be true for all.. but we still face the rejection from those of family, friends and a world which is all we have ever known and when the time comes that many of us who classified themselves apart of the “minority” race; weather you be “black, Latino, Asian, and even white”… we face all the same issues of “rejection and for some of us, even worse consequences of violence, repression, depression and in the end “Isolation”… not only from those of your social Dominion………..but furthermore from “yourself”…. Now one may argue that this idealistic truth about the fears of coming out may be what hinders ones “Isolation” and which feeds the power for such action continue, yet I ask then what are “we” the closet cases” too do when we lose all we have ever known and not to say that we cant become stronger people because yes we can, but were does the line become clear for all.. and in the end, “who cares”the weight of social responsibility on there shoulders?
Add your comment
the217
Sections
Buzz Magazine
Liam Reed
1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Phil (Phil) says:
(Posted April 1st, 2009 at 7:52 am)
This is the best “With Tongue” I’ve ever read. This is just a great message to put out there. I wish they’d publish this in the D.I. for everyone in the fall, so that freshman can get exposed to this. Dan’s whole entire experience seems so much different from Ron, and the message is really clear–being out is not only good for the individual, but good for the community. Dan’s brothers are learning and growing. Maybe they had a problem at first, but in quick order, Dan’s seemed to smash their stereotypes and prejudices, and is teaching tolerance. I had the experience, back in Michigan, of living on campus relatively closeted (I said relatively) and then moved back again in the middle of being the campus gay poster-boy–and it was interesting. We lost a roommate in the middle of the year who decided he wanted to go play football somewhere else (he was already really cool and we got along really well), and we had people from other halls come meet us about taking his place. The guy who eventually moved in was a religious conservative republican. My roommate and I met with him and told him off the bat we were both gay and leadership in the campus LGBT organization, that we weren’t a couple, but that we both did have boyfriends and that the place would have a lot of gay visitors since we were mentors. He didn’t even blink, he said, “you guys are clean, you’re down to earth, you’re really nice…” we ended up having a great 4 months together and we’re still friends with him to this day. Being out is so crucial to the future of our community, and Dan really encapsulates that message for us neatly and awesomely in this interview.