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Soylent Green for Babies!

posted by Liam Reed at 3:55 pm.

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I tend to date guys for a while before I am willing to commit to a relationship, and these relationships are often hard to come by. I’m looking for that perfect guy, you see. That guy that you want to run off to Massachusetts with and get gay-married to. And have children and a dog, just like that family in Marley & Me, except for the whole Irish thing. I like the Irish. They’re a good people and make good soda bread, but it’s not a necessity when it comes to my ideal mate.

I was thinking about this while I was in my FSHN 120 class last semester. During the final section of the class it felt like we talked about babies on a daily basis. Babies, it seems, are a lot of work. You have to be really careful when you’re raising them, introducing only one new food at a time so you can monitor allergic reactions and such. Breast milk is favorable in comparison to baby formula, especially for the first 6 months of life. Milk is specifically tailored for every single baby. Cow milk is ideal for baby cows. Goat milk is ideal for baby goats. Human milk is ideal for baby humans. Even more so, each woman’s breast milk is specially designed for the baby that she just carried. Her body knows which ratio of nutrients that baby needs. Formula is a close second, but unless there is a problem such as the mother being HIV+, the baby is best off with his or her mother’s milk because it will provide exactly what the baby needs.

When the baby is full, it will simply stop drinking the mother’s milk. If you bottle feed from the beginning, it is possible that you will overfeed your baby and he will not be able to understand what “portion control” means later in life. Not only that, but breastfeeding gives the baby a better jaw structure for later in life. And most importantly, it is for reasons such as prevention of allergies, better digestion, promotion of a better gastrointestinal tract, and protection against diseases.

Upon learning all of this information in class I began to freak out a little bit. Sure, she says that baby formula is a close second when it comes to feeding babies, but as a person who can’t accept anything but the best when it comes to everything, I want my future little ones to have the best possible chance at a healthy life as possible, and I also want them to have great jaw structure, because let’s face it, if you don’t have a cute jawline there’s no sense in living.

Though it usually doesn’t go well to try to predict the future, something tells me that my future child will have two daddies, myself and some other guy who will probably have a lame-ass name like Rick but a heart of gold and a promising job at the tuna-canning factory. Neither Rick nor myself will be able to breastfeed our child because, like I said, we’re both men and we’re not cut out for that sort of thing.

But do not fret! There is hope!

After my class on breast milk, I ran to the compass and posed my question for my most wonderful professor Becky Roach. A few days later I had several suggestions for my child-to-be.

First, I really needn’t get worked up about having to give my child formula. It’s important to make sure you’re not diluting the formula with too much water because that will clearly affect the nutrition ratio and if the baby isn’t hungry enough to finish the whole bottle that can lead to a problem of undernutrition. Or malnutrition. I can’t quite remember and the two are very similar yet there’s one difference between them but I can’t remember what it is. And I refuse to wiki it. Point is, formula is a fine substitute and by the time I’m ready to have kids formula will be even closer to mimicking human breast milk. What is most important is that the child has a loving home and all that jazz.

Also, there are plenty of crazy things going on with adoption these days. They let Madonna steal babies from Africa! And I’m sure you’ve seen Juno. Now, let’s say you are going to adopt from someone like Miss Juno. One crazy ass thing you can actually do is maybe offer your house to the mother for the first 6 months of life. She can live with you and you can pay her room and board, in the meantime your baby can be breastfed by the actual mother. Of course, one of the risks with this is that the mother will grow attached to the child and end up refusing to let you adopt the baby and you and your partner have not only lost a shit ton of money and time, but you too have loved this baby but nope, it ain’t yours no mo sucka!

And that would suck.

The most interesting suggestion actually came from my TA. I say interesting because, quite frankly, I’d never heard of human milk banks before.

Milk banks, according to the Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA) have actually been around since 1985. HMBANA was created to set the standards/guidelines for human milk banking in Canada, the U.S., and Mexico.

What milk banking is is exactly what it sounds like: women donate their breast milk and babies that normally are not able to receive breast milk from their birth mothers are able to receive this milk, consume it, and have better nutrition closer to their needs. The donating women go through a screening process and are not allowed to be on any medication (not even multivitamins) or drink/smoke during the time periods in which they are donating. The milk is frozen, then it goes through a pasteurization process that gets rid of any germs and is made perfect, is analyzed for nutritional content, and then it’s frozen again.

There are maybe 10 or 11 of these banks in the United States, but one is actually close by in our friendly neighbor to the east, Indianapolis. You can find a link to their website here.

If you’re a gay guy who is interested in becoming a father, don’t fret when it comes to providing your future child with the nutrition that he or she deserves. There are many options that are available and you probably have some time to think about these things. But hey, it never hurts to do a little research.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com