One of my besties of the female persuasion had sex with a woman. Normally this doesn’t happen. In fact, Holly McHotty, as we shall call her today, has woken me up while fucking a man on several occasions. Now, we were at a party together and she found my friend, Sexy Sally, incredibly hot. She told me the whole night, “I’m gonna bang her. I’m gonna bang her.”
It took an extra brewskie or two, but eventually they did go home together. My favorite moment of the night was while I was at my computer and I heard through the walls, “Oh god, three in a row!” This, of course, slowly turned into 8 and I had to turn my speakers on high just to drown them out and fall asleep.
Holly McHotty had a good time and now further appreciates the female body, namely her own. I’m not sure if she would ever do it again but it’s safe to say she doesn’t have any regrets when it comes to the subject.
HERE’S MY DILEMMA.
When it comes to guys, Holly likes masculine man. She has told me on more than one occasion that there are only two occasions in which a man may cry, and one of them involves the death of a loved one. She has also told me that if she were to find out that a guy she were dating had ever been with a guy, that she would have to end the relationship immediately.
Holly is not the only person who I have heard this from. I have spoken to several different women who have had sexual experiences with other women, yet if their man were to ever have done anything with a guy, he’s out of the picture.
I’m not sure what is so bad about bisexuals. Half the time gays say that bisexuals are simply gays in denial. I think the main “threat” is that people dating bisexuals fear they will be left for a person that isn’t the same gender as they are. For a gay guy to be left for another guy is almost better than being left for a woman. Personally I think both would break my heart but for some reason we build up these ideas that if you’re left for a person of the gender opposite of your own, you failed your respective community, gay or straight. It’s as though you feel you converted someone and that sucks.
The first boyfriend I ever had subjected me to that Mariah Carey movie, Glitter. He danced a lot to NSync albums and sat next to me in chorus. He also left me and started dating a girl, one of my close friends. At first I was hurt but looking back I’m not sure that it was because he left me for a girl, but that he broke up with me in general. That sucks, and when you’re in high school in your first relationship it hurts even more. But I don’t really remember caring about it for too long and soon developed a crush on the one other gay guy in our school, even though he had a head shaped like a pineapple. I can really pick ‘em.
Point is, I think it was this very early experience with being left for a girl that made me not give a shit about bisexuality. I don’t come across it too often, but it does exist. Sexy Sally is a bisexual and is currently seeing an awesome guy who is well aware of her sexual past. They’re both cool with it and it doesn’t seem to have posed any problems. Not yet anyway. What I am curious about is when, if ever, her beau asks for a threeway. For him it’s a turn on to see girls mackin it, and for her, well, she just gets off either way. What happens to the relationship? Does it make things more exciting? Does it make things awkward? Is it begging for disaster? Is it just hot? What does it take to have a sexual experience like that and not damage the pre-existing relationship?
This summer my buddy Phil told me about throuples, which are exactly what they sound like: couples consisting of three people. I haven’t met one of these throuples in my time here at CU, but over in LA Phil does indeed know one and he tells me that they are doing quite well. Are they the way of the future?
Whenever I talk about polygamy in a positive light I feel it gets shunned much too easily. But could they be the way of the future? I feel that they’re the new gay, which of course was the new Black, which of course was the new Jew. Polygamists will be the next minority group fighting for their right to love. It’s a subject that’s really interesting to me because I have read the statistics when it comes to children being raised by gays and they tend to be smarter than the ones raised by heterosexuals. Now what happens when you’re raised with three parents? Think of the possibilities! Three incomes. Huge house. A nice boat. Or maybe just two incomes and one stay at home parent.
**
Once again, I simply feel that a lot of stigma when it comes to relationships and sex is because of semantics. Tradition is holding us back from experiencing all of these possible ways of loving one another. The worst part is that I am all talk. I know I would be cool with throuples, but I would never be in one myself. I think I would be much too jealous if I knew that I left and my husband and wife were banging each other while I took the kids to the zoo. But if some people can make it work, then I guess more power to them.
When it comes to being bi, though, the subject kind of freaks me out. More and more often I find myself being attracted to women and I feel with enough liquid courage there is the possibility of me waking up next to a woman. I have it so ingrained in my head that I am gay and that I like guys that I am not willing to go all the way with a girl. There’s also those feelings of, “What if she freaks out when she finds out I fuck dudes.” And those feelings of, “Is it really wrong if I’m just doing this for the sex and could never see myself in an actual relationship with a woman? Is this something that needs to be said ahead of time, even if it’s a one night stand?”
Only time will tell what will happen with that, I suppose. In the meantime I’m still gonna date guys. And I’m still gonna listen to Panic. Fuck you if you don’t like it. They’re good.
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
rj (rj) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 1:14 pm)
I thought for the longest time I understood how my body worked from the sexual orientation angle. However, a different part of me woke up one day, and my shit got all screwed up. The purely physical sexual side of me wants men; the emotional oh-boy-i-should-start-a-family side requires a woman. I can’t make babies with men yet I have never explored female genitals. lame.
Does this make me bisexual? Only if I act on it. I can talk all about girls all day but until I get down with clitoral spelunking, I am gay. This is ripe with internal struggle. You see, I don’t want to be fantasizing about boys while doing the deed with a girl. But I don’t want a boyfriend - that’s not leaving myself open when the right girl comes along for that whole real-life family mumbo jumbo. So, do I act on my physical impulses or my logical impulses? This dichotomy has one result: I end up doing neither. Or; I randomly find a girl that ends up hunting me, which would be awesome, and hope she doesn’t freak out when she learns who I’ve fucked. I’ll be waiting on my couch until that day comes.
My depiction is probably experienced by a small population, and your experience may vary. Ask your doctor if Bisexuality is right for you.
Tomgirl (Tomgirl) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm)
This is a deliciously good post, Liam. I was just thinking about this today. I choose not to label myself anything for fear of limiting potential mates who could make me happy in a relationship. I encourage many more LGBTQA people to do the same.
However, bisexuality is tricky. It’s gotten a bad name due to the media and greedy ass people (I’m not bitter). I think trust is a huge factor in this issue. I feel that there are too many amazing people in the world to try not be attracted to when one is in an open/whatever relationship. While I can trust that I won’t go falling head over heels for someone I happen to be sleeping with on the side, I can’t be so sure if my partner can be as “dedicated” or what have you to our romantic relationship. I think I’m far too jealous. Kudos to anyone who can do that!
PJHale (PJHale) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 6:09 pm)
I think labels, as powerful as they are, can be generic as ever too. I mean, I can definitely say that if I end up in a life-long relationship, I am fully open to the possibility of it being a woman. I can say that I’ve very seldom found myself attracted to a woman sexually, but I can embrace that as long as I don’t repeat the heteronormativity that exists in most relationships, both same-sex and opposite-sex. I also think many would agree, with regard to bisexuality, that we’re all a little bi to an extent….the degree is just different for different people. I’m just a bisexual who REALLY, REALLY enjoys sex with a man, but definitely finds women sexy. 
Collin (Collin) says:
(Posted January 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm)
A lot of my friends say that bisexuals are just greedy gay people. I not sure that they even know exactly what that means though. I’ve only have one friend who’s bisexual and I’ve known him for quite a while. I used to have a crush on him and everytime I would hang out with him I’d think “Gee you sure are swell! I should date you!” but I never did really. He’d always tell me about the guys and girls he dated and the crazy sex they had, and I noticed that he always flipped the gender with his next partner. He never dated two girls or two guys in a row, that’s probably just him, but it made me feel that if I were ever in a relationship with him I would never totally satisfy him because I couldn’t do for him what a woman could. He never defined himself as bisexual, and most of the time he’d actually say he was just gay, which didn’t make sense to me. If I did date him he would probably want to bring is Ms. Third Wheel, and I don’t think I could ever be in a throuple or even have a threesome for the same reason that you give Liam. I’m way too jealous. Bisexuality just kind of confuses me, but I can’t say I have a problem with it.
good sean (good sean) says:
(Posted January 11th, 2009 at 11:23 pm)
Too bad willing yourself to be bi only leads down a dark road of breaking girls hearts when she doesn’t understand why you seem to tense up all the time… :’(. I couldn’t date a Bi guy. I’d be too jealous …
Anon (Anon) says:
(Posted January 11th, 2009 at 11:39 pm)
I think it also should be said that there are plenty of bisexuals that are in happy monogamous relationships too.
Bisexuals are often stereotyped as being hyper-sexual and sluts. It’s not surprising to find the lack of acceptance in some queer circles of bisexuals considering the LGBT community’s preachings of “inclusivity” and “embracing diversity.”
Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted January 12th, 2009 at 1:12 am)
I definitely agree Anon. That’s what I intended with my example of Sexy Sally and her current relationship.
What I am getting at with examples of bisexuals in functioning monogamous relationships and even a functioning throuple is that even the groups who are being stigmatized (Jews, blacks, women, gays) often don’t even realize when they’re stigmatizing others.
Moral of the story: don’t stigmatize people for liking Panic at the Disco. Who are you to judge what love means!?
:: sheds a single tear ::
Rachel (Rachel) says:
(Posted January 13th, 2009 at 12:40 pm)
Don’t the misunderstandings of all sorts of queer identities (especially that of, ahem, bisexuals) simply point to the complexity of sexuality? I would be categorized as bisexual, but my sexuality isn’t so simply-put. I spoke once to the head of the LGBT student affairs office (I think that’s what it was) during “sex out loud” about bisexuality and in his own condescending way, he implied that “once I make a full transition into being a lesbian” we could talk further. And yet, was I only stereotyping when I assumed he’d be more sensitive (as an openly gay man) to issues that don’t effect him personally? I’m sure I was.
It’s disheartening to hear of people “discovering that they were gay” in their forties, in another way. I wonder whether they truly feel they’d been “living a lie” up until their personal revelation. Over coffee, a fiftysomething friend of mine (who is the partner of another friend) told me she can’t take categorical sexuality (gay/straight/bi/etc) too seriously, as she had a happy marriage and children with her late husband before falling in love with her now-partner after his passing. In both relationships she’s felt fulfilled. Is that bisexual? Perhaps if we looked into the sexual expression of both the husband and the partner, we could draw our own conclusions about whether there’s some sort of “clear formula” for her sexuality.
I’m bisexual because more than just your genitals effect your sexuality. My first orgasm was with a girl. Who knows what my last one will be like? I don’t charge that strictly same-sex or hetero oriented people are somehow limiting themselves, as they are not “limiting themselves” if they are fulfilled.
I (like Anon) find the idea that bisexuals need fulfillment from men and women at the same time presumptuous. Perhaps some bisexual fantasies occur this way, but others (as I indicated above) do not in the least.
I also think comparing oppressions (jewish, black, gay identities) isn’t a wise idea in general. I certainly wouldn’t want to make weighing oppressions an undertaking of mine. It’s just one of those things, like overalls, that should just be avoided.
Rachel (Rachel) says:
(Posted January 13th, 2009 at 12:51 pm)
Then again, what can we expect when even the Google ads that stream on the right bar in the LGBT section of the217.com are strategically those that are sex-related or akin to online personals? (Gay people are just so sex-crazed! Of course, bisexuals, in all of their greed, would only be worse…)
When I worked for the Buzz, I wrote an article on “Ladies Night” at the Illini Arcade (sex shop on University Ave.) and they put it in the LGBT section. WTF? I understand that the Buzz is probably trying to boost their “gay content,” but just because it has something to do with sex doesn’t mean it should be associated with the LGBT community. As a “queer” person who doesn’t like categories or stereotyping, I was offended.
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Liam Reed
1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Matt (Matt) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 12:07 pm)
I feel that, for a community fighting for acceptance, gays kinda forget that we define our own sexuality and just because something seems strange to us doesn’t mean it’s strange to other people. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation, just like gay and lesbian. Some people like it both ways.
Also Liam I’m totally on board with wanting to sleep with a woman, especially lately. The gay in me feels bad though. This guy I’m seeing says he hooks up with girls occasionally (not since we’ve been seeing each other) and that it’s ok… just not that exciting and he never cums. Also interesting - he considers himself gay, not bi, but occasionally sleeps with girls.