I like Panic At The Disco. I don’t care what you have to say. I especially like the song Nine in the Afternoon and Northern Downpour. It reminds me of this band I like, Dear Noel, that I have seen a few times in Chicago suburbs whenever I’m back on break. I don’t care that you think they’re fake-indie or fake-pop or fake-whatever. They’re good and your band hasn’t toured the world with The Sounds as an opening act. So eat it.
Now that that’s out of the way, I would like to ask you how you define sex. The question arises because on December 26th I picked up two of my besties from Austria, and as I drove them to the hotel they were staying at we somehow got on the topic of my sexual activity whilst in Vienna. I had said, “I only had sex with one person in Vienna, and he was an American,” referring to my boyfriend at the time. Christian seemed a bit shocked and Roland had this expression of … well basically the look where you raise your eyebrows and say, “Um, ’scuse me bitch?”
Roland and I had a “thing” near the beginning of my stay in Vienna. We had met in a club and a day or two later went on a date. There were times in the brief relationship where I slept over and yes, may have stained the sheets. But we never fucked, as in, we never had penis/ass penetration. That’s how I define sex. I have my list of people I have had sex with, and Roland is not one of them. However, in his book, we’ve definitely done the nasty. The hibbity jibbity. The big whoop dee doo. The grand hee haw. Et cetera.
I’ve had this same problem with the term “hooking up.” To me, before, hooking up meant anything from making out on a dance floor to fucking outside a club next to its somewhat abandoned parking lot. After one night of saying, “I totally hooked up with that guy last night” I soon found the error of my ways. Hooking up, at least in Champaign Urbana, is defined as going home with someone and reaching a point where the pants have come off and bodily fluids are present. That’s the absolute minimum, otherwise it’s just making out.
There’s a lot of concern about sex on campus, especially if you’re having lots of it. Even people who are having lots of sex with several different partners label others as whores. It’s one of the most bizarre occurrences that I have observed in CU and it seems to be never-ending. What’s also interesting is that sexual acts such as blow jobs and hand jobs are seen as a more appropriate way of of being promiscuous than actually fucking, because fucking is what makes you a whore.
I want to try to stop defining sex. Or maybe find a way to define it that doesn’t automatically make you feel guilty about having it. The gays are as bad as the Catholics when it comes to trying to make you feel shame.
I feel it’s important to make a little aside here and note that not all gays are interested in making you feel shame. I am by no means quoting statistical data and do not claim that I know all that there is to know about sex or the gay population. Everything I write is based on my own observations and tends to stereotype the gay CU population as a whole, which isn’t my aim. My aim is to survive these 4 years and have a damn good time while doing it. And having a good time can indeed be accompanied by sex.
It kind of sucks to think that a lot of people will judge you based on the number of people you have had sex with. Too few. Too many. Usually too many. It’s as though you should have known from the very beginning who you were going to end up with and that you should refrain from living your life until you have met this person. As though every person on your list of people of you fucked should taint your soul and paint it a darker shade of black.
To me, that’s bullshit.
Roland is currently in a relationship with a guy who sounds like an amazing catch. I’m really happy for him and am indeed a bit jealous that he is flying home today to a person that he loves, while I am here in my brother’s bedroom writing on my laptop and eating a frozen Snickers bar. I know it’s not all I have. I have a lot of amazing friends, a family that loves me, two dogs that I wish I could bring down with me to Urbana, and an education from one of the greatest universities that happens to be surrounded by corn. And I like having sex (which the corn plays no role in, by the way).
In a way, this is one of those 2009 Resolution blogs. I’ve had a really shitty semester and I want to go into 2009 with a different approach.
Fuck it. I’m just gonna throw a party with my roommates and play Apples to Apples. Happy 2009.
Cheers.
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
Matt (Matt) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 8:10 am)
I had a similar problem a few months ago. After I broke it off with this guy I was kinda seeing (we’d gone on a few dates and he came back to my place after one of them) he started raging and accusing me of taking advantage of him. He told me that I was one of the only people he’d ever had sex with and he feels like he wasted that on me. Beyond the fact that I don’t believe sex is ever a waste, I was also confused because: we’d never actually had sex. I think some unmemorable blow jobs were the only thing we’d done. After quickly scanning my brain to make sure I didn’t call him quasi/mostly/comletely blacked out one night (nope) I told him this, and he came back with “Oh so since we didn’t fuck we never had sex?”
This is probably one of the most confusing statements I’ve ever heard. To me, sex = fuck (I thought about reconsidering this and then realized that the number of people I’ve had sex with would skyrocket - quickly abandoned that idea). To him the definition was a bit different. Anyway, I’ve lost my point but the stigma that sex is bad and that people are sluts if they’ve slept with too many people sucks. In it’s simplest form, sex can be nothing more than fun but In it’s more complicated forms it can mean a lot more. Since I believe this I’m probably a slut but whatever.
Tomgirl (Tomgirl) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am)
This a good topic, Liam. Queer women also have the same issue. When neither party has a dildo/ refuses to use one, do they still have sex? From what I’ve observed with talking with people, the penis is the determining factor. It’s odd. I guess I just leave the definition up to the individuals doin’ the dirty. “Sex” may not necessarily be sexual intercourse and judging from the name sexual intercourse probably means something is being “inter”-ed into something else. But that’s just me.
Tomgirl (Tomgirl) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 10:58 am)
By the way, maybe you can write about stereotypically gay straight men are becoming. It’s really interesting. Check out “Bromance” to see what I mean.
Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm)
Tomgirl, I forgot to mention the girl side to things! Yeah, I can only imagine the semantics with women who are having sex with each other. It’s interesting how caught up our society is with defining these things. I have yet to see Bromance but I am interested in checking it out. Does anyone know what network it’s on?
Matt, “slut but whatever” indeed. I feel a lot of people actually have this attitude and are better for it. More power to you.
Nate, did you ever hear the ketchup rubber buns and liquor joke? It was huge on the southside back when I was a lil guy. It was kind of glorious. As for your view on sex, I totally dig it. You always have such a goddamn great way with words.
M (M) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 2:16 pm)
Bromace is on MTV.
I love this topic, because I think it confuses everyone in general.
In the past few months, I have found a change within myslef, and I have decided to ‘reduce’ the number of people I have slept with. You see, when people would ask me my number, I usually get outragous reactions (probably because my number is almost discusting) but I was at an awkward time in my life, and I am better for it.
For me, a number shouldnt mean shit. I consider sex as making love basically, and if there is no love wanting to be made, then it is just getting off. Like masterbation, only your killing two birds with one stone (ok….maybe three or four but who know who else was in the room?) The reduction I have made is that if the times that I have had ’sex’ really meant something important to me, even if we didn’t have anal sex, then it is still counted. It’s more of the reminder of how many times I shared my love.
And shit, I’m still a slut in either case…and I am still proud!! haha
elle (elle) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 5:43 pm)
I think sex is any form of sexual activity for one reason: it bothers me when people say they’re abstaining from ’sex’ until marriage, and yet they still have oral sex or sometimes even anal sex. Many even do it for religious reasons … which really doesn’t make sense to me. If you’re going to abstain from sex then you abstain from all sexual activity. God doesn’t care about the difference between a blow job and intercourse. It’s all the same, really. I think people are just nervous to ‘have sex’ for the first time because it’s held so sacred, especially in the straight world, so they do everything but.
Nate (Nate) says:
(Posted January 6th, 2009 at 6:29 pm)
I just realized that by that “straight” definition of sex, I’m a virgin! Cool. If straight people get to have anal and oral sex and “masturbate together” (how can it be masturbation if someone else is doing it to you?) and still be virgins, I think they ought to concede that gay folks are as immaculately pure as the Virgin Mother herself.
And do tell the ketchup, rubber buns, and liquor joke! I’m sure I’ll find it glorious.
Not Mary Z (Not Mary Z) says:
(Posted January 8th, 2009 at 12:38 pm)
I’d be interested in knowing what queer women would consider “losing their virginity.” The idea of virginity in general is a very heteronormative concept.
Josh (Josh) says:
(Posted January 8th, 2009 at 10:17 pm)
Is a bi a bj if he doesn’t cum?
Josh (Josh) says:
(Posted January 8th, 2009 at 10:18 pm)
wow. bj not bi
Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 1:57 am)
maybe a BJ is when they cum, and it’s oral stimulation when they don’t
and maybe it’s oral sex if it starts as oral stimulation and there’s cum that’s inspired post-mouth but during anal/vaginal sex.
or maybe a BJ is just a BJ and we’re just trying to get fancy. I’m gonna go make a pizza.
Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted January 9th, 2009 at 1:58 am)
And Not Mary Z, I have pondered this same question. I think when I get back to campus I shall round up the lesbians and ask them their feelings on said subject. Lord knows I still have to finish writing those other interviews I’ve done with the frat boys though …. expect lesbian answers some time next spring.
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1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Nate (Nate) says:
(Posted January 5th, 2009 at 11:14 pm)
I was talking to a friend about something like this the other day. She was asking whether I associate topping and bottoming with masculinity and femininity, dominance and submissiveness, or some such dualistic notions (with her aid, her boyfriend recently discovered the pleasures of anal sex, and he was trying to cope with his assumption that it’s something only gay guys enjoy).
The short answer is, I don’t. Not really. There’s some correlation between my mood and what I physically want to do in bed, but it also has a lot to do with what the other person seems to want, what his mood is. Anal sex does require a bit more commitment, and that may be why some people only grant it the name “sex.” But I suspect the main reason is that heterosexual, penetrative sex is normative and shapes the way everyone thinks about sex. Penis-vagina penetration is the standard against which all other sex is judged.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gddlNth2-_A
I think I was isolated from sex (hetero and homo) till so late in my life that I don’t really associate specific acts or positions with sex or with non-sex, men or women. I think of “sex” as a glorious range of ways of stimulating a surprising variety of locations on my and my sexual partner’s body and as an outlet for an innumerable diversity of sexual attitudes, moods, whims, masks, fantasies, games… you get the idea. My greatest frustration with sex is that I generally seem to be involved in it at the end of a long night involving large quantities of liquor (lick ‘er? I don’t even know her. –sorry, I couldn’t resist). Thus, I’m always beset by the warring desires: (1) to sleep/cuddle and (2) to fuck-him-silly/be-fucked-silly.
Anyway, I suppose sex, like any other word, only means what a group of language-speakers agrees it means. This will differ from group to group.