It wasn’t until my sophomore year at UIUC that I stepped into a frat house for the first time. I’d met this bro online using Craigslist, a website where you can not only buy and sell your couch, but also a place where one night stands are given away like candy. The bro snuck me into his frat house and we had to be really quiet when we got down to business. Do you remember that shark with the mouthful of rotating sharp teeth from James & the Giant Peach? That’s what it feels like if you’re hooking up with a bro who doesn’t have a lot of experience, and this proved to be no exception.
I came out of the closet at the end of the 8th grade, so this sneaking around crap was really strange to me. While I couldn’t understand why someone would need to hide their sexuality, it was also a huge turn on. Here I was in a frat house hooking up with some bro and could get caught/lynched at any moment. This experience was what prompted me to write this article exploring the lives of both in the closet and out of the closet queers within the frat system here at UIUC.
Two weeks ago I posted several ads on Craigslist, because if you’re on a mission to find queer frat guys, Craigslist is the place to find them. Within an hour I had my first response and now at the end of my research I’ve spoken with eight different guys, all with different backgrounds. Some of them are out of the closet, some of them are not, some of them have graduated and some of them are still living in their frat house. They identify as gay, bisexual, and two choose not to label themselves at all. Some of their names are aliases, some are their real names. The following is a brief summary (do take note on the word brief) of their feelings about being queer and in the Greek system, and its purpose is to show any other queer guys in frats that they are not alone. It by no means represents all homosexuals (bisexuals, etc.) or the entire Greek system, but a random sampling of a few guys who took the time to answer an ad.
* * *
Being in a frat on the U of I campus is linked to certain stereotypes, and most often these include mass amounts of alcohol, lots of promiscuous sex, and as of a few years ago, the ability to throw a now infamous party that involves both tacos AND tequila. Greeks on campus are often thought of as tools that are close-minded and bigoted, but after interviewing eight queer frat guys over the past two weeks, it is clear that these stereotypes are based more out of ignorance than actual fact. Also clear is that gays exist all over this campus, and they do not adhere to the stereotypes they are dealt.
Out of the Closet
Being gay, Greek, and out has a lot more prominence on this campus than one might readily expect. In two weeks I was able to find four out queer guys: Logan, Dan, Ari, and Peter. Peter, who graduated last year, told me stories that involved competitions among his frat brothers over who could get the most action in the shortest period of time, and not feeling he had to hide anything, he won the competition. Logan considers himself to be from one of the “top 6” frats on campus, but wasn’t out during his undergrad. Now as a grad student, he has come out to his frat brothers who now give him dating advice. Ari, now in law school, came out to a few select friends because he felt if he went through this alone, he wouldn’t survive it. After spending a semester away, people talked and he came back to nearly everyone knowing that he is gay, but no one really cared one way or the other about it, and “…it didn’t really matter anymore; it was such common knowledge eventually even pledges would find out.”
Before they came out, their sex lives were not only private, but hidden. Nearly every guy I interviewed had to sneak a guy into the frat house in order to hook up with them. Many of these stories also involved using websites like Craigslist in order to find other queers and more often than not they had to be assisted with liquid courage. Dan, however, is a bit different. A senior in sociology, he was out of the closet even when he rushed the frat. Dan does not feel the need to hide his sex life and claims, “It’s not a big deal to bring guys home.”
Differing from many gay and bisexual guys on campus, the Out Greeks never got sucked into the gay scene of CU. They all have main circles of friends/brothers that have more in common than just sexual orientation. When it comes to being gay on campus, the consensus seems to be that most places are safe for gays, up to and including most of the frat houses (though you shouldn’t be surprised if you are stared at heavily).
In the Closet
Being in the closet is a very different case. Three of the four guys who are not out refused to meet in person and gave all interviews through E-Mail. Joe, a sophomore in psychology, writes, “I think I would be safe to be out in my frat but I’m only assuming. I do not fully know my brothers that well.” Three of the four also claimed to never have had a relationship, though hookups seem to be aplenty. Cole, a senior in business, has hooked up with 10 guys and has done so using sites like Craigslist, remaining anonymous with fake email addresses and fake names.
When asked why they choose to remain closeted, they feel they do not want to be thought of simply as “the gay one,” because there is more to each one of them aside from their sexual orientation. Cole, bisexual, also says that if he were out girls would no longer want to hook up with him, and with a desire to have a family one day, coming out as bisexual would not be a good idea.
The In-Between
One of my most intense conversations was with Parker, a junior in advertising. By the end of our 2 hour phone conversation (when I should have been studying for midterms), Parker told me he didn’t really have a chance to talk about everything like we had before and that he has started to reconsider his choice of staying in the closet.
“I have to teach freshmen these brotherly values and now … well, it’s kind of sad that I can’t practice what I preach.”
Out to very few of his friends, Parker says that having someone to confide in is an absolute must. With hopes of one day bringing a guy as a date to a frat function, Parker asked the question, “Why do I care?” several times throughout the interview, “Seriously, you can get away with so much shit in college and I’m wasting my days. I’m sure I’ll regret not having come out sooner. I’ve never had a relationship. Or even a date that wasn’t actually just a hookup.”
Still To Come
With so many interviews and so little page space, this is only the tip of the iceberg. For more details on the guys’ interviews, check bac here on the blog over the next few days. I’ll devote a blog to each person and discuss topics such as the hypocrisy of a brotherhood and the hiding of secrets, whether or not groups such as Greek Allies actually help acceptance on campus, and of course a few more intimate details when it comes to those hidden aspects of the life of being closeted and Greek. Queers exist in all forms on this campus, whether they’re dancers in the art department or Cubs fans and in a fraternity, they exist and have histories that run way deeper than how their sexual orientation may stereotypically define them. Read the blog, learn their stories, and realize that your brother may have something that he wants to tell you. He is, after all, your brother. (Though, in all honesty, if he is a Cubs fan, you might want to consider setting a few boundaries. That’s just not natural and frankly I find it appalling.)
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
Ari (Ari) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 11:22 am)
The only thing I would add is that it isn’t only the “closeted” ones who are afraid of being labeled “the gay one” and who feel that their sexual orientation is not the most important, defining feature of themselves.
The reason I came out to only a few close friends at first was specifically because I knew (or hoped) that those friends would not pigeonhole me, and would not start seeing me as “the gay one.” There was definitely that fear when it came to being out in the house, but the way things unfolded, the band-aid ended up getting ripped off in a way; thankfully things couldn’t have turned out better.
Well done, I’m looking forward to reading future installments.
Ari (Ari) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 11:34 am)
Also, definitely not fabulous (personally). At all.
sean (sean) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 11:38 am)
This was a good idea and I liked the article/post. I do have to say though that this is a convenience sample and not a true random sample, although the responses/conversations probably generalize to most of the population.
curious (curious) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 1:00 pm)
I don’t like the use of the word fabulous. It makes it seem like all gay guys are feminine and channeling Ethel Merman or some shit. Are all of these guys white?
Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 5:14 pm)
No, they’re not all white. I just used the word fabulous because personally I channel Ethel Merman nightly.
Actually, it just seemed lacking to call it “Queer & Greek.”
Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 5:17 pm)
Oh, and of course it’s a “convenience” sample, which is why I wrote that in detail in the intro. Also, please keep in mind that I’m a guy with two jobs and school and just do the blog for fun. I’m not being financed with fun mystical (fabulous) means of finding closeted frat guys, but if you have a way definitely hit me up with that info.
Ari (Ari) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 5:18 pm)
Perhaps “Queer, Greek, & Exceedingly Masculine”?
Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 5:32 pm)
but see, that portrays just as many stereotypes. how about we just call the whole article “a few people that i met for a beer and/or coffee”
Nate (Nate) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 10:30 pm)
I wonder if your last blog topic might relate to this one. Those who are still in the closet, especially those who are bi and date girls with the intent to marry someday, are concealing a major aspect of their personality from those they care about. No one wants to be a stereotype, to have the full complexity of their person reduced to a cliche–particularly an effeminate cliche that doesn’t fit our uber-macho, man-loving brothers. But as long as they stay in the closet, the stereotypes have no hope of being eliminated. Names and labels always trap us in artificial categories, but the label also unites us as a social force, gives us the freedom as members of the category to contribute to its semantic range, clarifies our thought, and affirms our reality.
Gian (Gian) says:
(Posted October 18th, 2008 at 12:19 am)
It’s sad that gays still feel the need to be in the closet in their frats. Luckily, here at Northwestern, only 10% of people in the Greek system are intolerant of homosexual relationships according to a survey (I’d still consider this a large % but definitely lower than that of its peers); as such, it’s not uncommon for frats here to have openly gay members. The gays who go into frats though are usually the ones who can stand the in-your-face heteronormative culture (since, obviously, frat activities around heterosexual interests by virtue of most of their members being heterosexual). Hey, being in a frat is good practice for the real world, right?
Anonymous (Anonymous) says:
(Posted October 18th, 2008 at 10:16 am)
Gian,
Some prefer to stay in the closet, not necessarily because they “need to,” but for other personal reasons.
closeteddude (closeteddude) says:
(Posted October 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm)
I stay in the closet but I am out to myself and a few friends because my sexuality is no one’s business. Plain and simple. I don’t care about your sexuality and I don’t want you to care about mine. People need to mind their own business both gay, straight, bisexual, transgender and beyond.
Half the Solution. (Half the Solution.) says:
(Posted October 19th, 2008 at 6:21 am)
YOU make it someone’s business.
It’s funny that some people in the gay community will actually judge you based on your “status” with everyone else. The only required participation is that you live your life the way you feel necessary.
closeteddude (closeteddude) says:
(Posted October 19th, 2008 at 5:54 pm)
“It’s funny that some people in the gay community will actually judge you based on your “status” with everyone else.”
Riight. The same could be said about those who judge closeted people based on their “status” with everyone else. My point was that I do live my life how I feel necessary but I find that gays seem to pressure everyone to be “out” when the benefit to doing so is very individualistic. I just think people like to be too invasive in other people lives.
Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 19th, 2008 at 8:04 pm)
Welcome to Generation Facebook
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted October 20th, 2008 at 10:49 am)
Well the thing is…if everyone were out, then there wouldn’t be such thing as out, and it wouldn’t have to be a factor in anyone’s lives until it got to matters of the heart. In that case my office probably wouldn’t be necessary. Unfortunately that’s not the case. While I think the goal of most of us is a world where nobody cares anymore, we’re not there yet and visibility is a must, not on an individual level but on a community level. The “pressure” to come out is coming from the people struggling to make our country a better place for those of us not living in situations that are 100% comfortable. Looking at it one way it might seem people who are out to themselves and comfortable keeping it there are ahead of the curve, already residing in the utopia of sexual freedom, but I think it’s the opposite. So it’s not so much a pressure as a prerogative.
That being said, I’m not in the business of telling people how to live their lives. I also fully respect each person’s need to set their own pace. I just think it’s a shame that anyone should have to hide their sexuality. I’m not talking about singing showtunes from the rooftops, but having to sneak around with strangers, instead of going on a real date or something (if that is what you actually want) isn’t something we should be comfortable with either.
But of course this is all my humble opinion.
closeteddude (closeteddude) says:
(Posted October 21st, 2008 at 4:40 pm)
Lyndiddy,
You make the assumption that people have to sneak around and that isn’t always the case with closeted people as it is termed. I do understand what you are getting at though and so far your response has been the most thoughtful I’ve read. Thanks.
And oh yeah Liam,
I’m not on Facebook for the reasons I indicated previously.
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted October 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 am)
I didn’t mean to generalize. I was more presenting two opposing extremes. My apologies.
I also appreciate the compliment. This is basically my job so I spend each day thinking about what communities our office isn’t reaching, how to do that, why our current groups are struggling with membership and overall what is necessary to make and/or keep U of I a safe place for any LGBT person, innie, outtie or wherever.
phaggot4McCain (phaggot4McCain) says:
(Posted October 27th, 2008 at 11:56 pm)
I’m a Phaggot for McCain! Go Sarah Palin. I agree with Elisabeth Hasselbeck that the Obama campaign making issue with Palin’s wardrobe is sexist. Vote McCain/Palin on November 4.
rach (rach) says:
(Posted December 6th, 2008 at 3:21 pm)
Do a blog on lesbian sorority girls!
Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted December 8th, 2008 at 9:17 pm)
lesbian sorority girls are so much harder for me to come by! if you can hook me up with some contacts I would be more than happy to
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Liam Reed
1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
rogue (rogue) says:
(Posted October 16th, 2008 at 10:50 am)
That was by far my favorite blog entry. Having had these convos before and hooking up with ‘’straight” guys in the Greek system, I think it is something mortg addressing. Well played, octopussy!
Ps…I giggled a bit at the simple use of the word ALIAS!