Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted October 3rd, 2008 at 12:51 pm)

Umm…I think the free t-shirts was last year. so…lol j/k.

Kevin McLoughlin (Kevin McLoughlin) says:
(Posted October 3rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm)

Basically, it all started in kindergarten. No, really - I used to play the “girls chase boys cuz they have cooties” but I was always on the girls side. Ever seen ‘Ma Vie en Rose’ ? That was pretty much my childhood (without that icebox scene, I didn’t like cold or closed spaces).

The actually coming out happened winter break my freshman year of high school. I told my best-friend-of-the-moment (she was European and thus already well-versed in the ways of sin and hedonism) during a conversation about Will and Grace. Ironically enough, her name was Grace, and from them on we developed a similarly unhealthily codependent sitcom friendship.

Tell my parents was a bit harder - my mom reacted with “I guess it makes sense. But I’ll always love you.” My father repeated that bit, in addition to “you’ll never have any friends and you’re throwing your life down the drain.” Perhaps in an attempt to fulfill his prophecy I found myself suddenly slapped with internet controls, a 10 PM curfew, and (once I got a car) check ups to see that my car was actually where it was supposed to be.

I also had to promise not to be out at my new high school. Looking back, starting physical and verbal fights with students, harassing homophobic administrators, starting a Gay-Straight Alliance, and turning myself into a public figure that everyone associated with the high school seemed to know about might not have been the best way to do that, but oh well.

My mother, being a fairly smart lady, eventually figured out why she was getting the cold shoulder from every adult who wasn’t a short-haired Jewish lady in Converses, which led to a car ride back from UIUC filled with screaming and crying and eventually laughing after she almost ran into a semi going 90 MPH.

It was raw and uncomfortable but also incredibly cathartic - as it turns out, my mother wasn’t a repressive Neo-Nazi moonlighting with the KKK, nor was I hiding a meth-addiction and a history of prostitution. Yes, she had had trouble accepting my sexuality, and yes I had thought she was kind of a bitch, but we learned to accept that about each other - no one is perfect, nor can they be expected to react perfectly. My mistake all along was simply not responding to my parents with the same open-mindedness I demanded of them.

(And yeah, I’ll second what Liam said - don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Just know when doing so we’ll actually be constructive)

Mike Consalvo (Mike Consalvo) says:
(Posted October 4th, 2008 at 12:16 am)

Great job Liam. This is a wonderful post, I think you are doing quite a service to those in the closet. We are fortunate to have you on our side.

I’m going to have to insist that you drop everything and run out and see the new movie Religulous, its a documentary by Bill Maher. In it he interviews a guy who “used to be gay” but found God and is no longer gay. He says that there is no such thing as gay but instead gay people just have insecurities and that is why they think they are gay. It was a stunningly offensive comment. That being said, the movie is tremendous, very funny and I think you would enjoy it.

As for my own coming out story, the first person I came out to was Jt. First I tried telling him I was bi. Then, when I thought that he might be gay (I guess it was just wishful thinking) I sat him down and told him that not only was I gay but I also had the hots for him in the worst way. He told me that he was not only not interested but also not gay. He then went on to say that it didn’t matter that I was gay but he loved me just the same. I then promised him that I would never make a move on him unless he welcomed it. He left a few minutes later and I was worried that I might have lost a friend. I called him the next day and asked if he was ok with it and he said he was fine with it and wouldn’t think of me any differently. Looking back on it, I was 19 at the time and he was 17 and for a 17 year old straight kid to be able to handle that and not totally freak out and reject me, that’s pretty damn cool. Throughout the next 10 years, I put him through a lot of shit and to his credit, he never told anybody and was always very supportive. It wasn’t until my jealousy of not being able to have him got the best of me and our friendship ended. I’m happy to say though that not only am I totally over him, but we have also reconciled and are friends again.

Also I think you are dead on when you say mothers know. My friend Kris has been saying for years that she thinks her 11 year old son will turn out to be gay. I think parents think about these things and you are right, they do pay attention to these things.

G.A. (G.A.) says:
(Posted October 4th, 2008 at 11:21 pm)

Great column! I just found it the other day only to find out you serve my coffee as well sometimes…ahaha I look forward to the Greek column, I am sure it might be interesting.

Dre (Dre) says:
(Posted October 5th, 2008 at 9:29 am)

Recapping my coming out process (work in progress):

I suppose on a subconscious level I knew I was gay since my early childhood. However, throughout school I didn’t act on the urges and dated girls instead. Towards the end of high school the pent up frustration contributed to me adopting a self-destructive lifestyle largely dedicated to partying and spending lots of money, deflecting from the fact that deep down I was totally depressed. Textbook escapism…

Following school I went to university in the UK for four years. The geographic separation from family and old friends gave me the opportunity to experiment. Didn’t come out to anybody at that stage, but occasionally frequented gay bars / clubs… Generally, I tended to go for guys that I was barely attracted to on a physical or intellectual level. My lack of confidence (and inferiority complexes) meant that I would go for guys I knew I could easily ‘get’. Unsurprisingly I didn’t have much fun and as a result went back to dating girls.

After university I worked in Brussels (Belgium). There I discovered internet dating platforms and went on a couple of dates with guys. Again, not much luck, so I temporarily embraced celibacy Upon my return home in the summer of ‘07, however, I met someone by chance (Brazilian guy working in Vienna as a model). The relationship was a roller coaster ride, but we did have the most amazing, intense sex This experience gave me the impetus to come out to numerous good friends and some of relatives (not the parents though).

For the next year I lived and worked in Shanghai. Had an amazing time there and went out with a lot of guys within the ex-pat community. I was open about my sexuality from the start (in my personal life as well as at work ),developed a much stronger sense of self worth and came to terms with being gay. Had my first longer relationship with a guy there (he eventually moved back to Denmark).

Now back in good old Europe and happily dating a German boy. Still have to tell the parents, but being in a relationship with someone that cares about you and gives you strength is definitely a motivating force. My bro’s wife is expecting a baby, so mum is happy that she will soon be a grandmother (taking away the pressure on me to create offspring)…

It won’t be easy to tell my mum and dad, but there will never be a ‘perfect time’. Gonna open up to them soon. They deserve to know and I am pretty sure they’ll come to accept it in the end.

Matthew Shirer (Matthew Shirer) says:
(Posted October 5th, 2008 at 12:05 pm)

Hmmm, well my parents found out I was gay in 7th grade cuz they found porn on the computer. Oops.

I would say I officially came out at the end of my sophomore year of high school. A lot of people knew already, but I think i just stopped caring around end of soph year. Junior and senior year I was completely open about it and had the time of my life, although Michigan is way more fun than HF. lol.

And I highly recommend coming out. Makes finding other gay guys easier for everyone!

Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm)

Thanks for your responses everybody! I definitely appreciate them and enjoy reading your stories.

And Dre, your globetrotting intrigues me like you wouldn’t believe. As does the Brazilian sex.

The interviews with the frat boys have been going really well. I’ll hopefully have it up on the217 soon!

Suleman Hussain (Suleman Hussain) says:
(Posted October 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm)

My story is a little disjunct. I mean I did tell one friend in eighth grade, and being the great friend she was, she told every person we knew. I lost every male friend that I had, leaving me with about four friends, so I decided to try and cut my losses and say it was a rumour and I had never said it. That’s where I was left until just after sophomore year when I began telling a few of my close friends.
Meanwhile, my parents (esp. my mother’s) fantastic ability to deny what was in front of them put off my coming out proper for a long time until just after Junior year when they finally confronted me about it, my father, the medical doctor mind you, telling me it was a choice and I had made the wrong one. My mother didn’t really say much of anything except “Can’t you just tell your father you’ll pray more or something, he’s really distraught”. For the record they’re okay with it now, but our relationship has never quite been the same.
Well once the rents knew I figured there wasn’t any point in staying in the closet to what was likely to be my support base so I came out Summer after Junior year. Not one of my friends cared. Only two were even remotely surprised.

Bryce L. (Bryce L.) says:
(Posted October 6th, 2008 at 12:50 pm)

It took me quite a while to figure out that I am gay. I remember weighing various reasons I had to believe that I was straight vs. gay. Straight: I am tall, nobody seems to think I’m gay, I sorta like this girl, I’m just going through a phase, etc… Gay: I have agonizing crushes on every handsome guy I know who is nice to me. I acknowledged to myself that I was gay when I was 16 years old, after reading stories on the internet written by gay Christians about their experience.

It was a year later before I told anyone else. First a pastor from my church. Then my mom the next day. My mom was either really dense or trying to be nice. I tried very hard to help her figure it out, without saying the words “I am gay.” She didn’t though, I had to say it. She was very upset, but not because she thought I was a bad person. Our relationship continued to be good, as it had always been. She is gone now and I feel very sad because we almost never spoke about my sexuality, and a great deal was lost for both of us because we didn’t talk about it more.

After that five years went by before I came out to anyone else. For those five years I had many good friends to whom I never breathed a word about my sexuality. Meanwhile I felt a great deal of pressure to be a good Christian and stay out of fantasy land, and also not fall in love with every guy I met who was nice to me. Neither of which did I succeed in very well.

I was terrified to tell people about myself, especially peers. But at the same time it’s very painful to keep a secret about something so pervasive in your personality, and also to keep so much emotion to yourself. I eventually came out to one of my very bests friend at the University of Illinois, who also turned out to be gay. Following this very good experience, I told everyone I knew if (or when) it became relevant. At that time I was coming out in the context of someone who “struggles” with homosexuality and wishes to change.

More years went by, and “struggling to change” felt fruitless, extremely tiring, and lonely. My friend who I first came out to at the U of I had a much worse time with it than I did, and became depressed in way which I thought he would not survive. We had both tried to take care of each other and help keep one and other strong, but in my worry for his life I became most concerned with convincing him that he was a fine man, and a good man, and that deserved to live, no matter what his sexual orientation. This very dark season ended when my friend decided that “It is clear to me the things I have believed will kill me” and re-evaluated many of his religious beliefs.

Speaking for myself, I think “typical beliefs” of Christian churches about homosexuality are tragically flawed, and that gay Christians have given up a great deal of their lives to needless suffering. And I hope churches will have humility in assessing their own current grasp on the truth, and be willing to take in a lot of evidence about homosexuality.

Following these experiences I told everyone (as it became relevant) that I am gay and hope some day to have a companion.

... (...) says:
(Posted October 8th, 2008 at 11:28 am)

In 6th grade we started to change for P.E. That’s when I realized I was attracted to other guys. At the time though I considered myself either in a phase or bi-sexual. I kept it to myself and didn’t tell anyone.

In high school I dated like 2 girls and the relationships were terrible. I still considered myself bi-sexual. It wasn’t untill my Junior year that I had the guts to tell someone. I came out to one of my female friends. I told her I was bi.. She was totally fine with it. I was happy. By senior year I pretty much came out to all my friends and no one had a problem. It was great. It wasn’t untill the summer after senior year that I actually got to experiment with another guy. I knew for a fact that I liked men.

For the first half of freshman year of college I still considered my self bi-sexual. It wasn’t untill the middle of the year that I realized that my attraction to women diminished. I then considered myself gay.

Then I finally met someone. We were back home and one night we came back to my place. My parents said that they were going to be out late so we used the opportunity to just fool around. My parents came back early. We tried to walk down the stairs casually but my parents have never met this guy before. I played it off as a new friend and that we were leaving now to meet some more people. As we were in the car driving back to his place my mom calls me on my phone asking what we did in the guest room bed because she made it earlier that day and now it was messed up. I just told her we didn’t do anything and hung up the phone.

When I got back home, my mother was in tears and my father was drinking. He told me that the next day we would get up early and that me and him were going to have a talk. Morning came, and in an awkward ride to Denny’s my dad told me that I had three options that I could tell him. 1. I was gay. 2. I’m confused. or 3. I’m straight. So, I just told him that I was gay. My dad’s first reaction was “Fuck.”

For the next couple months I would have extremely awkward and irritating conversations with my parents (mostly with my dad) about how I really wasn’t gay and that they were going to make me realize it. First came the insults such as “you are going to ruin your life,” “you will get AIDS and die,” “all your friends are making fun of you behind your back,” “no one will higher you for a job,” etc. Then came talks about pornography and masturbation and how sometimes boys like to experiment with each other and that it doesn’t necessarily mean that your gay (I was 19 at the time not 12. I knew what I was attracted to.).

Summer came and my dad did some research. He went online and found some “Ex-gay sights.” He printed out a lot of these things, some of which included N.A.R.T.H. (National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality). It was one of the biggest fights I have ever had with my dad and probably the first time I told him “Fuck you.”

I agreed to my dad that I would go through “Repetitive Therapy” (“repairing” my homosexuality). My dad, who didn’t remember when my birthday was, accidentally scheduled the “therapy session” on my 20th birthday (I also got a wii). When I went to my session, it was the most bull shit I have ever heard in my life. That would take up another page so I won’t really write about that. But, because I was going to school and there were no “clinics” back at school, I couldn’t continue with “treatment” (oh darn).

Ever since then it has been so awkward with my parents. It’s the pink elephant in the room, everyone knows it’s there but no one wants to talk about it. I will never forgive them for doing that to me.

Although all this shit has gone down with my parents, I don’t regret coming out. I don’t. I was more comfortable with who I was when I did. It was like this weight was lifted (I know cliché, but true). I have my friend to support me, which they do, and I just avoid my parents as much as possible. Hopefully, they will come around.

Nate (Nate) says:
(Posted October 8th, 2008 at 9:20 pm)

“Coming out.” Such a curious expression, is it not? I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. Much of life as a Witness consists in concealing and suppressing who one is. I know I spent a ridiculous amount of time growing up trying to fit myself into the Watchtower Society’s inhuman mold. But what living thing does not want to grow? All the affairs of life that most empower us—such as friendship, education, and creative activity—involve revealing, cautiously revealing ourselves to others and to ourselves. By isolating its members from the world and, really, from meaningful friendships with each other, the Watchtower is able to cripple many who would otherwise flourish.

Sigh.

Since I was raised as a good little Jehovah’s Witness, I naturally struggle with a sense of isolation, or, perhaps I’m simply more aware of the existential alienation, the radical subjectivity which is the human condition. This sense of isolation was exacerbated by the fact that both of my parents were damaged by the harsh, authoritarian doctrines and practices of the faith. My sister and I spent much of our childhood living with my grandparents, who helped take care of my mom until my sister and I were able to take a more active role. My sister is now having to bear this burden alone while I’m here at one of the institutions of higher learning forbidden by the all-wise and benevolent Watchtower Society.

So, back to coming out. It’s strange how one harmless question leads to another. All the time I was “auxiliary pioneering,” serving as a “ministerial servant,” and otherwise going about the life of a Witness who’s also trying to have a life, I suppose a part of me was noticing the stuff that didn’t fit. Why is it that humans, whose natural function, as rational animals, is to reason, are so often disinclined to do so? I’m gay. I knew I was gay from the first moment I started having explicitly sexual thoughts about anyone. And, in retrospect, I can identify in myself a heightened awareness my own sex from about the time I realized there were different sexes. That is, I became awkward, shy, and nervous around guys I liked and I was uniquely aware of and vulnerable to my male friends, before I ever had what I could be legitimately called a sexual thought. Nonetheless, the mind’s ability to deceive itself and compartmentalize things is amazing.

Being gay, of course, complicates things when one is a Witness. But, on another level, being a Witness is the best training for being in the closet that I can imagine. All the skills that make one a good Witness also make one a good closeted homosexual. Where else but in “The Truth” could I have learned to isolate myself so perfectly, to shut off almost all of my natural inclinations for social (and sexual) intercourse? Does the data coming in from the outside world and your own experience contradict the imaginary world you’re trying to live in? Sure, but somehow you manage to explain it all away, tuck it all under the rug. Do you spend so much time trying to convince other people that you manage to almost convince yourself? Then you’re either a gay man who’s trying to stay in the closet, or you’re a Witness who’s trying to stay in “The Truth.” Or, if you’re like I was, you’re both. I didn’t even let myself realize I was gay until I had discarded the Jehovah’s Witness theology. I suppose this deserves some clarification. Sure. On some level, I always knew liked to look at other guys, and I always told people I was never going to marry. But I just told myself that my thoughts were a passing phase and prayed to Jehovah to change me.

After I worked my way through an analysis of the doctrines and practices of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I was able to re-examine my beliefs about homosexuality, to embrace my own sense of what is natural, rational, and good, and to come out to a few close friends and relatives. To seek truth and to speak it, these are noble goals. And they demand of us extraordinary courage, for nothing as precious as they has ever been achieved without terrific effort.

Mike (Mike) says:
(Posted October 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm)

As a kid, I like to say I was packaged deeply within a box of my own making. Emotions, true feelings, or my real self rarely emerged because I was so scared of anyone finding out that I was one of those gays that everyone flung slurs about and called each other as a derogatory term. So for school, I had few close friends and only the Boy Scouts to bury myself in - so to speak.

Of course, I knew I was gay when I was about 12 or 13. I dated a few girls, but just because they were interested in me. The thought of making out with any of them made me rather queasy at the time. So I stayed closeted from everyone and went away to college not thinking too much about the whole coming out thing - after all I’d been hiding it for six or seven years.

My roommate and best friend freshman year frequently talked at night about his emotional toils with an ex-girlfriend of his. I was truly a naive freshman with NO relationship experience, so I’m sure I had no good advice for him. But one evening as we sat talking, he turned the tables on me and asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. For some reason this whole gay thing had been on my mind (perhaps it was the guy in the room next door who had recently been giving me my first blow jobs), but I was truly afraid to say those words… it even scared me to say it to the guy that was blowing me. Somehow saying it out loud made it real.

So there I sat in the corner of my bed, not saying anything. My friend prodded me, knowing there was something I really wanted to tell him. I was scared sh*$&less. Eventually I got out, “well, I’m gay.” As the words came out of my mouth, my body started physically shaking. I thought the world would come crashing down and he would run screaming… but all he said was “Yeah, so what. That’s ok.” It took me a good ten minutes to stop shaking and hugging my knees to my chest. I think he was a little worried about me.

The world didn’t come crashing down around me. 95% of the people at school I told were absolutely fine with it, and the one who wasn’t was pissed I didn’t tell him myself. I was really lucky, and had a fantastically supportive environment. For my friend, I’ll say he is one of the biggest reasons my life changed for the better.

Turns out he knew I was gay when I answered the door in my boxer shorts and stood there talking to some girl for a couple minutes unphased. Even I couldn’t be perfect at hiding myself apparently.

Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted October 9th, 2008 at 11:18 pm)

Mike, it’s hilarious that you should mention the answering your door in your underwear. The first week I was in Austria I went on this ski trip in the Alps with a bunch of Americans from U of I. Here was yet another group I would have to come out to. To make it easy I thought I’d just leave a gay magazine on the table, but it turns out this one girl Brittany told me she figured out I was gay because I was hanging out in her hotel room, which was full of girls, in my boxers. Apparently only a gay guy would be confident enough to do that. Damn being comfortable with sexuality!

Jeff (Jeff) says:
(Posted October 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am)

I am so interested at reading everyone’s unique story. That being said, it would be hypocritical not to add my own.

I don’t exactly know when I knew I was gay. I had thoughts about men since puberty, but I always pushed them aside. I figured it was just another part of growing up, a phase, whatever you may want to call it. I dated a few girls in middle school, desiring the closeness and romantic aspect, figuring my shying away from sexual activities had to do with my Christian morals. Meantime, I lived my life as the “pure one.” I sang in my church’s teen choir and sat at attention in my CCD meetings. My family all thought I would be a priest one day.

Freshman year of high school, I had a girlfriend for a short while, but we soon just became good friends. I started acting in the plays and made a lot of friends. The summer after my freshman year, one of those friends became my boyfriend. We had met on the stage, hung out at school, but it wasn’t until we had spent a good week of the summer, seeing each other every day, that I knew there was more between us. One day, he kissed me, my first kiss from a boy. Later that day, we decided to date, to “try it out.”

Coming out was a slow process for me. In a way, my good friends always knew, so that part was easy. Sophomore year, I came out to my sister, telling her I was bisexual. It wasn’t until later that year that I came out to my mother, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. After the “are you sure?” and the “your father and I always had a feeling…”, she told me “You know, it’s a hard life.” She also made me promise not to come out at school or to the community until I was out of high school. “For your brother,” she said, worrying that this would ruin his high school life (twisted, I know). In a way, I have always felt happy that my mom was so accepting. However, I can’t help but think how my life would have been different if I was able to be more open at an earlier age.

Little by little, my mom has been telling my relatives. My dad knows, but has yet to bring it up. My parents talk around it, the choking smoke of tolerance. They have come to accept my partner as part of the family, but we act more like friends than a couple when we are in my house. Slowly, I am trying to change that, but it is never easy. Nowadays, my parents care more about my studies than my personal life.

At college, I have been open with my sexuality. I may not always be a part of “the scene,” but I have made sure to stay true to myself. All of my friends are accepting, and I have had no serious issues on campus. As I said before, I have a long term partner, and we plan to move in together this summer. I may not be the moral priest my parents thought I would be, but I am proud of who I am. In a way, I know they are too.

J. Alfredo Guerrero (J. Alfredo Guerrero) says:
(Posted October 10th, 2008 at 9:45 pm)

The first time I came out to someone was in sixth grade. Like any other middle-schooler my best friend and I were talking about people, and when we started talking about boys I made a comment about how I thought somone was cute, she asked me if I was gay, and after saying ”no” twice, I was like, “yeah.” and we both laughed our asses off and continued doing school work while proceeding to talk about the cute boys. It felt so good to tell her that I told other close friends, who then proceeded to tell other people, and pretty soon everyone knew. I denied it to most people, but, by the time I was in eighth grade, I stopped caring.

In high school I was pretty much out to anyone who cared to ask. My high school being huge, it was hard for anyone to really pay attention to one specific person. So, people who knew me sometimes knew I was gay, sometimes not. It wasn’t really a big deal ever. Plus, there were gay people all over the place, so, I was hardly the only person.

Being Mexican and hearing stories of my dad beating the shit out of a guy who had hit on him made it harder to tell my parents. All through high school I knew that before I went off to college I wanted them to know, to avoid having them blame my ”gayness” on being away from home. I decided to tell them the night before I left for U of I. I wrote a letter, printed out two copies, and before I went out with friends, I gave them the letters, sat them down and told them to read on. They read meanwhile I shitted bricks. My younger brother and sister decided to ”go to the store” when I told them what I was planning on doing (later I found out they decided to rush home just in case my dad went crazy on me or something). As they read the letters, I was sweating and freaking out, and I’m pretty sure I forgot to breathe a lot. I wasn’t looking at either my mom or dad, but, from the side I knew my dad finished the letter first, and all he did was look up at me, and I looked at him, and all he said was, “Come here” (in spanish :D) as he opened up his arms to me, and he gave me the best hug I had ever recieved up until then. As soon as we hugged I started crying like there was no tomorrow, and both him and my mom proceeded to let me know that I would always be their son and they would always be proud of me no matter what. It was the best night ever! After all the crying, my dad took me to the store to pick up last minute things and then I went out with friends and got piss drunk. jajaja. Good times.

I’m sure both my parents were dissappointed or sad about it, but they never said anything to me about that. My parents and I always had a good relationship and we continue to have one. Coming out for me was the best thing ever and I am extremely thankful for my parents and their understanding nature. My mom and I even talk about my love life a lot, my dad and I never really talk about it, but it’s good to know that he knows and doesn’t care. YAY FOR COMING OUT!

Jon Newhall (Jon Newhall) says:
(Posted October 10th, 2008 at 10:04 pm)

First off: Leave it to Kevin to always be the first one out, even on Liam’s blog.

Second: I told my dad on Christmas eve on the way to church. BTW he is a minister. His reaction (I think I have this mostly right) “Well… Don’t get any diseases or anything” He trys hard and is an awesome dad.