It wasn’t until my sophomore year at UIUC that I stepped into a frat house for the first time. I’d met this bro online using Craigslist, a website where you can not only buy and sell your couch, but also a place where one night stands are given away like candy. The bro snuck me into his frat house and we had to be really quiet when we got down to business. Do you remember that shark with the mouthful of rotating sharp teeth from James & the Giant Peach? That’s what it feels like if you’re hooking up with a bro who doesn’t have a lot of experience, and this proved to be no exception.
I came out of the closet at the end of the 8th grade, so this sneaking around crap was really strange to me. While I couldn’t understand why someone would need to hide their sexuality, it was also a huge turn on. Here I was in a frat house hooking up with some bro and could get caught/lynched at any moment. This experience was what prompted me to write this article exploring the lives of both in the closet and out of the closet queers within the frat system here at UIUC.
Two weeks ago I posted several ads on Craigslist, because if you’re on a mission to find queer frat guys, Craigslist is the place to find them. Within an hour I had my first response and now at the end of my research I’ve spoken with eight different guys, all with different backgrounds. Some of them are out of the closet, some of them are not, some of them have graduated and some of them are still living in their frat house. They identify as gay, bisexual, and two choose not to label themselves at all. Some of their names are aliases, some are their real names. The following is a brief summary (do take note on the word brief) of their feelings about being queer and in the Greek system, and its purpose is to show any other queer guys in frats that they are not alone. It by no means represents all homosexuals (bisexuals, etc.) or the entire Greek system, but a random sampling of a few guys who took the time to answer an ad.
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Being in a frat on the U of I campus is linked to certain stereotypes, and most often these include mass amounts of alcohol, lots of promiscuous sex, and as of a few years ago, the ability to throw a now infamous party that involves both tacos AND tequila. Greeks on campus are often thought of as tools that are close-minded and bigoted, but after interviewing eight queer frat guys over the past two weeks, it is clear that these stereotypes are based more out of ignorance than actual fact. Also clear is that gays exist all over this campus, and they do not adhere to the stereotypes they are dealt.
Out of the Closet
Being gay, Greek, and out has a lot more prominence on this campus than one might readily expect. In two weeks I was able to find four out queer guys: Logan, Dan, Ari, and Peter. Peter, who graduated last year, told me stories that involved competitions among his frat brothers over who could get the most action in the shortest period of time, and not feeling he had to hide anything, he won the competition. Logan considers himself to be from one of the “top 6” frats on campus, but wasn’t out during his undergrad. Now as a grad student, he has come out to his frat brothers who now give him dating advice. Ari, now in law school, came out to a few select friends because he felt if he went through this alone, he wouldn’t survive it. After spending a semester away, people talked and he came back to nearly everyone knowing that he is gay, but no one really cared one way or the other about it, and “…it didn’t really matter anymore; it was such common knowledge eventually even pledges would find out.”
Before they came out, their sex lives were not only private, but hidden. Nearly every guy I interviewed had to sneak a guy into the frat house in order to hook up with them. Many of these stories also involved using websites like Craigslist in order to find other queers and more often than not they had to be assisted with liquid courage. Dan, however, is a bit different. A senior in sociology, he was out of the closet even when he rushed the frat. Dan does not feel the need to hide his sex life and claims, “It’s not a big deal to bring guys home.”
Differing from many gay and bisexual guys on campus, the Out Greeks never got sucked into the gay scene of CU. They all have main circles of friends/brothers that have more in common than just sexual orientation. When it comes to being gay on campus, the consensus seems to be that most places are safe for gays, up to and including most of the frat houses (though you shouldn’t be surprised if you are stared at heavily).
In the Closet
Being in the closet is a very different case. Three of the four guys who are not out refused to meet in person and gave all interviews through E-Mail. Joe, a sophomore in psychology, writes, “I think I would be safe to be out in my frat but I’m only assuming. I do not fully know my brothers that well.” Three of the four also claimed to never have had a relationship, though hookups seem to be aplenty. Cole, a senior in business, has hooked up with 10 guys and has done so using sites like Craigslist, remaining anonymous with fake email addresses and fake names.
When asked why they choose to remain closeted, they feel they do not want to be thought of simply as “the gay one,” because there is more to each one of them aside from their sexual orientation. Cole, bisexual, also says that if he were out girls would no longer want to hook up with him, and with a desire to have a family one day, coming out as bisexual would not be a good idea.
The In-Between
One of my most intense conversations was with Parker, a junior in advertising. By the end of our 2 hour phone conversation (when I should have been studying for midterms), Parker told me he didn’t really have a chance to talk about everything like we had before and that he has started to reconsider his choice of staying in the closet.
“I have to teach freshmen these brotherly values and now … well, it’s kind of sad that I can’t practice what I preach.”
Out to very few of his friends, Parker says that having someone to confide in is an absolute must. With hopes of one day bringing a guy as a date to a frat function, Parker asked the question, “Why do I care?” several times throughout the interview, “Seriously, you can get away with so much shit in college and I’m wasting my days. I’m sure I’ll regret not having come out sooner. I’ve never had a relationship. Or even a date that wasn’t actually just a hookup.”
Still To Come
With so many interviews and so little page space, this is only the tip of the iceberg. For more details on the guys’ interviews, check bac here on the blog over the next few days. I’ll devote a blog to each person and discuss topics such as the hypocrisy of a brotherhood and the hiding of secrets, whether or not groups such as Greek Allies actually help acceptance on campus, and of course a few more intimate details when it comes to those hidden aspects of the life of being closeted and Greek. Queers exist in all forms on this campus, whether they’re dancers in the art department or Cubs fans and in a fraternity, they exist and have histories that run way deeper than how their sexual orientation may stereotypically define them. Read the blog, learn their stories, and realize that your brother may have something that he wants to tell you. He is, after all, your brother. (Though, in all honesty, if he is a Cubs fan, you might want to consider setting a few boundaries. That’s just not natural and frankly I find it appalling.)
