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Champagne

posted by Liam Reed at 7:08 pm.

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I should be reading this story called “Leben der schwedischen Graefin von G***.” It’s this story that involves a dead husband and a new husband and then finding out that the original husband wasn’t so dead. And incest. For some reason the Germans thought this was a pretty fun concept in the 18th Century. I would have to agree. However, I’m actually a bit more distracted by the plague of what is basically Pornography Light (aka erotic art) on sites such as SuicideGirls.com.

Suicide Girls was first brought to my attention a few years ago when I was perusing the sex section of a Borders up in Orland. My hometown of Oak Forest doesn’t have any bookstores. We do have a library but only old people go there and I’m relatively certain that their books aren’t as up-to-date as a library in … well, any other city but Oak Forest. You probably haven’t even heard of it. In fact, I’m one of those people that tells people I’m from Chicago just to make it simpler than explaining that Oak Forest isn’t Oak Park or Lake Forest. I lived on the south side of Chicago (Marquette Park, bitches) until I was 9, but due to the whole gangbangers and drugs and people getting shot and witnessing gang wars from my front porch and my neighbor being murdered, we decided to move.

Anyway, I was at Borders in Orland because Oak Forest doesn’t have a bookstore or up-to-date library.

My dearest darlingest friend Aurora pulled out a book called Suicide Girls, a book filled with girls that resembled her, if not a bit more hardcore in terms of the piercings, tattoos, and fucked-up hair. How I recall it being explained to me was that these were nude photos of actual girls. This is what women actually look like. Some of them were skinny, some of them were not. Some of them were very angry, some of them were incredibly squeezable. They were all either, as stereotypes defined them: goth, punk, or indie.

I thought the idea was interesting but not enough to actual invest in one of the books. Nowadays they have their own website and a lot more girls, though hardly any of the original pin-ups remain. It turns out there were several controversies. On the website the girls were allowed to have blogs, but then they were censored whenever they would criticize management. A lot of photos were taken down because of the U.S. Justice Department’s War on Porn. I wasn’t aware there was a war going on, otherwise I would have suited up for battle against the Justice Department. HOW DARE THEY?

Then there’s the whole Nazi incident in which a girl was wearing Nazi paraphernalia and blah blah blah. Basically, this went from being a company promoting that all women are real women to a site full of evil controversy and pornography and evil evil Nazis.

Naturally other sites sprang up, which is actually what got my attention on the subject again. One of my friends from high school told me she was going to be posing for one of the sites, this one is called GodsGirls.com. I’ve seen her photos and while I thought it might be weird seeing someone I’ve known for so long naked on screen, I soon realized that wasn’t true. I actually dig her photos and if you can afford the 20 dollars a month, you should check out the site.

That, however, is where I’m not sure how I feel about this. How much money do the girls themselves see? Is it still art if you can’t access it freely? I guess that’s a dumb question, as even the Art Institute of Chicago has an entrance fee, and most works in there aren’t pornography (except that one with the little girls and the oranges …).

Renoir at his pornographic/pedophilic best

The same friend told me about FedorasBox.com, a site she called, “the revolution of sexual expression” and “another amazing, artsy, porny-type site.”

Artsy porn. I really liked this term because normally people don’t admit to pornography being both artistic and something you can jerk off to, unless of course it’s erotic literature.

Are these sites really the classy way to beat off? Or is it just a different kind of marketing? The blogs are supposed to make you feel more connected to who you’re getting hard from. They give each girl more personality than a Playboy centerfold’s “My favorite movie is Saving Private Ryan and I really don’t like things like pollution or graffiti.” These girls are real, a bit in your face, and hot.

**

On a side note, in terms of keeping it real, my roommates Natalie and Shauna just brought me home a durag. I don’t feel so much ghetto fabulous as I feel like a pirate, but I think the fabulousness just comes with time.

Double side note, Microsoft Word didn’t try to auto-correct the word fabulousness and I am very pleased to announce that it is indeed a real word, acceptable for use in a game of Scrabble. At least according to Microsoft.

**

Back to the artsy porn. Porn is becoming a lot more of a normal human being experience, no longer limited to the glamorous and what society prescribes as being beautiful. Xtube, PornTube, Cam4, Suicide Girls, Gods Girls, Fedoras Box, and so many other similar sites are promoting sex made by and for regular people.

Are these sites with artsy porn really art or are they just softcore porn? Is that what artsy porn actually is? Simply softcore with a different name?

I know I raised the question of regular people in porn before, but this is a different question that I need to ask:

Can you jerk off and be entirely classy about it? Something tells me that whenever Queen Elizabeth gives herself the old rubdown in the tub. Not a pleasant image? Sorry, what about Princess Di when she masturbated? You know that had to be a classy affair. She probably ejaculated champagne, for all we know.

What? Too soon?

Look how pleased she is with herself! You know a man didn’t put that grin on her face. I’d love to see her dildo collection. She probably has one made of fuckin’ crystal.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com