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Immanuel Kant: His Trunk and the Junk Therein

posted by Liam Reed at 11:36 pm.

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As it is Labor Day, I decided to sit back in my underwear and read one of my favorite texts by Mr. Kant, “What Is The Enlightenment?” Now, I had to read this for class anyway, but it was the perfect reason to get into my bed and chill in boxer briefs, curled up with one of the greatest philosophers of the 18th century. I guess when one looks at his picture one doesn’t imagine the epitome of sexiness, but when I fuck, I fuck for brains.

the sexy beast himself

As I enjoy being in my underwear, I also find it necessary to let all of my friends, family, and acquaintances know when one can find me in such a state of dress. I made this my Facebook status and wouldn’t you know it but several fine conversations come up on the subject of underwear.

Underwear is a delicate matter, hence the term “delicates.” Yes, you may now laugh raucously and pat me on the back for coming up with that one, and you may also call me, “You old whipper snapper, you!” But quite seriously, they are indeed delicate. Underwear can make or break a man. I don’t do chicks, but since they have entire stores devoted to nothing but bras and panties, something tells me this holds true for them too.

My first rule of thumb is that if a guy is wearing a pair of boxers with pictures of beer mugs or clovers on them, he’s tossed out. He should not be accepted as a part of mankind and he should be ashamed of himself for even trying. If you have cartoons on your underwear (Homer Simpson, for example), you’re probably the type of person where your underwear will never see the light of day anyway. SHAME ON YOU.

Pickles, on the other hand, are okay.

One time I came across a guy who had underwear with pickles drinking from mugs of beer. I was completely confused as to what to do and developed a complex.

One of the conversations that developed from my “in bed with Kant” status was the ever-famous Boxers vs. Briefs debate. The first time I ever heard of the debate was for a commercial starring the Space Jammer himself, Michael Jordan. The commercial had, if I recall correctly, two women who were sitting on a bench in the middle of a park. As joggers went by, they would objectify the men as sexual objects and exclaim “boxers” or “briefs” depending on the type of jogger. When Michael Jordan jogs by, they cock their heads and ask the question. MJ turns around, gives a little wink to the camera, and exclaims that they’re Hanes. The women turn red, embarrassed, and then try to picture Michael’s junk. His son goes to U of I, so something tells me Michael is at least packin’ something under there.

The debate breaks loose. One can be so comfy in boxers and they can even make you feel sexy, especially if they’re silk. That’s hot shit. But then there are briefs, and while they may have been slightly embarrassing in the locker room in middle school, now that you’re fully developed they’re the best tool you’ve got to outlining the goods. I personally invest in both. If I feel my pants are going to come off at some point in front of mixed company, boxers will be the underwear of choice, but if they are to come off in solitary company, briefs are the way to go.

Naturally God decided to make our lives even more confusing by inventing things like boxer briefs. And banana hammocks. And these weird thong things. And jock straps. Have you ever heard of a bong thong? They’re terrifying. There are types of underwear that offer extra support and then there are the wonderbras of the male underwear department.

If you browse the web like I do, which I hope to god you don’t, you’ll notice that brand names such as 2(x)ist are becoming increasingly popular among men in the 20s age bracket. At $16 a pair, are they too expensive? When did underwear become a status symbol?

Recently I spent around 18 dollars at Dick’s on a set of 6 pairs of Nike socks. I was ridiculed. Scolded. I was told that one should just buy socks from Walmart because they’re a clothing item that no one sees or cares about. Is it really the same with underwear? By the time you have their pants off, will you really kick them out of your house for wearing a pair of boxers with Homer Simpson eating a donut on it?

Yes. Yes I would. I am not ashamed to admit that I have standards. It may not be classy to kick someone out, but you weren’t being very classy when you bought that pair of underwear now were you?

Want to know how much it costs for a pair of Ed Hardy briefs? 36 bucks.

I’m not sure if, when I see Ed Hardy underwear, I should respect it or disrespect it. Is it really necessary to spend that much on underwear? I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself, but there are children in China who have to wear Homer Simpson underwear! Don’t you care?!

I guess in all reality those kids are probably actually sewing the Homer Simpson underwear, and not really wearing them. Maybe we should all go green and wear underwear made out of hemp and bamboo.

If I could go back in time, I would like to ask Immanuel Kant wore boxers or briefs. He was pretty on top of things, so whatever he chose, he’d probably be down with Michael and go with the Hanes.

Polka dots? Count me in, big boy.

If you want to check out the bong thong, hit up undergear.com. I highly recommend subscribing to the catalogue.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com