I had been thinking about doing this for a while, but something in my RST course (I know…) today gave me the extra push to write a Craigslist ad. We were talking about minority rights in the United States and how minorities such as Jackie Robinson really helped gain major acceptance for blacks in the United States. As sad as it may be, many middle class white guys don’t seem to be accepting of a person (or “race”) until they prove themselves on some sort of field, whether it be baseball, basketball, or football. Gays are starting to make strides in sports when it comes to things like the Gay Games, but there aren’t that many “out” athletes out there, and the ones that ARE out of the closet aren’t out until they’ve retired. The Greek community may not be the U of I sport community, but I’d venture to say it’s a good place to start.

I posted an ad on Craigslist in an attempt to do research for a blog I’d like to write and post here on the217. I’ll post the ad here as well. I know it’s wordy and most people will stop reading it once they realize it’s not an ad that will result in having their dick sucked in some bathroom stall at the Undergrad, but I figure it’s worth a shot.

The (very lengthy) Ad:

I’ll probably get bitched at for doing research this way, but I’m really interested in the story so I will just have to deal with gossip in my community.

My name is Liam and I write a sex column for the217.com called With Tongue. I write about everything from hardcore porn to hate crimes on campus to fetishes to politics to local sex-related events.

I am very interested in the idea of closeted homo/bi/experimenting frat guys and would like to write an article about them to show our campus that homosexuality does indeed exist in every niche of our community, up to and including the Greek system.

Why I am writing is because I know a lot of these closeted guys tend to find the guys they are sexually active with on sites like Craigslist and Facebook, but Craigslist is fantastic because it’s simply a huge public forum that functions as free advertising.

If you are a homo/bi/experimenting guy in a fraternity here at the U of I, I would love to interview you. These interviews can be as anonymous as you want (you can use a fake email addy, name, and we don’t have to talk face-to-face or even on the phone). This hinders my research in that you could just be some out of the closet gay guy on campus with an agenda, but I figure that most frat guys here are probably in the closet and are afraid to reveal this information about themselves for a reason. It’s something I’ll just have to deal with.

I will NOT ask you for your name or which frat you belong to. If you’re interested, please respond to this ad and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

To see a sample of my blog, check out the URL: blogs.the217.com/withtongue

Questions I hope to answer with this blog are:

*As a member of a fraternity, a literal brotherhood, do you feel oppressed in terms of showing your entire identity?

*Is it safe to be out in a frat?

*Is it necessarily a bad thing to be in the closet in a frat? Is there reason to be in the closet in a frat?

*Do you see yourself coming out of the closet or having a relationship with another guy freely (that is, not hidden) after finishing school?

*When programs such as panels about being “gay friendly” are brought to frat houses, are they seen strictly as a punishment?

*Do you feel that if more gay members of the Greek system were out of the closet, gays would be more accepted on this campus?

*Do you feel gays ARE accepted on this campus?

*Are terms such as “faggot” and “that’s so gay” less/more prominent in the Greek system on campus than other parts of campus?

*If gays are ever a topic of conversation, is homosexuality ever talked about in a positive light?

Maybe my aims are a bit high with this, but I figure that unless I ask, I’ll never even have a chance at knowing.

Thanks a lot. Your help is definitely appreciated.

blogs.the217.com/withtongue

There’s been a lot of talk over here at the Molly House lately about rimming, that blessed act described in the Holy Bible as the eating of another person’s ass. The women of the house claim they would never look into performing such horrid acts. It’s one thing to put your mouth on a guy’s cock, but to go around the corner is simply sinful and disgusting. Anyone who dare suggest otherwise probably has a mouth full of intestinal bacteria and should be banished to a faraway island. The men of the house, however, disagree. Putting your tongue up a guy’s butt is just another way of saying “I love you.”

I’m supposed to be writing a paper about Minna von Barnhelm, the sweet story of a man who is afraid to be in a relationship because he simply can’t afford it. In 45 minutes I need to go to work at the cafe. This cafe is going to provide me with delicious caffeinated treats, so I feel taking a few minutes to discuss the finer points of rimming is well in order.

FREE at The Office

For those of you who have never rimmed or been rimmed, I venture there are certain reasons for that. The first is more than likely that it involves your mouth near the place where another human being defecates. A great tool to rid yourself of this fear is to invest in what is known as a dental dam, which is basically a little rectangular square of latex that is actually there to prevent the transmission of STDs. But, for some, I am sure it will give a nice little barrier for those who are afraid of having their mouths on specific “backland” areas. Dental dams are able to be acquired for free at the Office on the third floor of the Union here at U of I.

There are other reasons people are afraid to rim. Heterosexual males who are afraid of being rimmed by their female partner probably fear that it emasculates them. If they receive joy from anal stimulation they must practically be gay, and therefore less of a man. This, of course, is by no means true. Personally I think if a guy is willing to get his ass licked by a woman he’s pretty high up there on the living dangerously zone.

When it comes to women having their asses rimmed, I have very little advice. In fact, I don’t even know if a woman can be as stimulated by a rimjob as a man can because I don’t know how their bodies work and none of the women I have asked have admitted to having partaken in such activities.

Go For The Rim!

Before I ever rimmed/was rimmed, I had a much greater fear, a fear that not many speak aloud simply because it involves the use of a word that is thought of as a child’s word. Yes, my friends, I was afraid of farting in my partner’s face. Could you imagine?! What if the person whose face you farted in wasn’t your future husband/wife, but a one-night stand who probably wouldn’t stick around long enough for you to explain that it was something that you ate at Qdoba (ew.) and that it would not be a recurring theme throughout the night.

This was my greatest fear, but somehow I was flipped over and god damn if it wasn’t an amazing feeling. Within mere minutes my fear had been forever eliminated and I was now willing to try some kinky ass shit, no pun intended.

One thing I am putting off til that someone special, though, is felching. Felching of course is the act of cumming into your partner’s ass or vagina and then licking the cum back into your own mouth. I’m 20 years old and I haven’t yet dared to taste my own “business” after masturbating, so barebacking and licking it out of someone’s butt is going to be a long way off.

I have a huge request of you, dear reader. I want you to please comment any rimming experiences that you’ve had. If you need to do so anonymously, then post anonymously, but I think it’s important that people aren’t grossed out by trying new things sexually, even if it turns out certain acts aren’t for them. The goal is to get people to start trying new things in bed, because as of late I have heard way too many stories of friends who, while they are having sex, just simply aren’t being satisfied. There’s simply not enough time to be having bad sex!

I was just talking to Smallz and he tells me that Clay Aiken is apparently gay. It’s all over the news.

Didn’t see that one coming.

And I’m sure similar jokes are being made across the nation by just about everybody.

**

Also, Chris Crocker just released his first song and it’s available on iTunes. You can also listen to it on YouTube, realize it sucks, and just not waste 99 cents on it and download a good song instead. I recommend “Nikki Don’t Stop” by Low Millions.

** Start Actual Blog **

Remember how I wrote about going to the Farmers’ Market out in Urbana a few weeks ago? Well, I neglected to mention a certain event that happened on that very same morning. I have been collecting evidence about being “gay about town.”

I was walking around the market holding the hand of another dude (or brosky, as some might refer to them). We were just minding our own business looking at locally grown produce when all of a sudden this older homosexschull practically jogs up to us, “OH LOOK AT YOU GUYS! HOLDIN’ HANDS AT THE MAR-KUHT! AINT THAT CUTE!”

Truth be told, whenever I show affection to a brosky in public I get the feeling that the two of us are bound to be watched. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the market. The type of people who buy locally grown food tend to be liberal while the people who grow and sell the food are probably more on the conservative side. So there we were and the only person who cared about us holding hands in a public space was a gay guy.

Fast forward to last Saturday night. I was riding on a bus with my friend Roman to C St., the ever-famous gay bar of Champaign-Urbana. Roman had been visiting from Vienna and it was very important for me to show him the way gays in southern Illinois (don’t kid yourself, this is the south) go about their mating rituals. On the bus this large group of students entered, shouting, “Oh My God We’re Going to C Streeeeeet!”

They were pretty excited.

This girl, Ashley, approached Roman and me on the bus and asked where we were going. She became more excited when she found out we were going to the same bar.

“Wait! Are you guys boyfriends?!”

“No …. we’re just friends. We’re just going out to a bar.”

Enter Roman, “Yes, I am from Vienna. I just want to see what it’s like.”

“Oh my god you are like 100 times more cooler now!”

So there we were, not even midnight and already 100 times more cooler.

She explained to us how among her group they were all straight but whenever this one particular friend from out of town came to CU, they all would go to C St. She instantly became our friend for the next 2 minutes and gave us a hug goodbye when we jumped away from her group of breeding buddies.

Inside C St., the place was full of heterosexual students. Everyone was having a good time, and while it’s cool and all that straights exist, it just bugs me when they come into our bars and make out and stuff. It’s unnatural and I don’t think I should have to see it.

Fast forward even FURTHER into the future. I was on a date this evening with the aforementioned brosky, Cody, and we went to dinner and saw a movie and all that good stuff. When I drove Cody home we kissed at a stoplight. The guy in the car next to us gave us one of the dirtiest looks I could imagine.

Rewind to two years ago. My boyfriend Brad and I were walking home from somewhere and a guy standing on the balcony of a house shouted, “FAGGOT!” and threw a beer bottle at us, hitting Brad on the head.

Last Halloween, after yet another evening at C St., my friends and I went to Perkins to partake in some delicious late night mozzarella sticks, eggs, and chocolate shakes. The locals, inside Perkins on Halloween at 3 AM might I add, pulled me over to their table so they could ask me if my friends were supposed to be women. Based on the size of their bulges in their very exposed underwear, I went on a limb and told them no, that’s not what they were going for.

I’m really not sure where this town stands on the gays. I feel like I can cuddle up on the quad like all the straight couples are doing, but at the same time I feel I’m being stared at. The only way to stop the stares is to make it a common thing, I suppose. To stop hiding affection. I just don’t know how many beer bottles I want to risk having to deal with. How many would you?

Tonight is Queer Bowling at the Union. Festivities start at 9:30 PM (that’s 21:30 for all of you out there who aren’t ashamed to use REAL time). Free bowling is pretty sweet, so you should definitely go.

In other news, Brad Pitt donated $100,000 to fight for the right to gay marriage, which is the highest donation from an A-List celebrity in this current battle going on in California. I always thought he was so bitchin’ in Fight Club but now I think he’s just kind of gay.

I’m feeling nappish and today is the first day I don’t have to go to work, so I’m digging that hardcore. I’ll see you at the lanes.

hollaaaaa

Alright, so I wrote 88 Broadway today and got a response within just a few hours. They apologized and are now seeking out who it was behind the megaphone.

In other words:

I take back every negative thing I just wrote about 88 Broadway and apologize myself for coming to hasty conclusions about the bar itself. I also highly encourage you to indeed ride the trolley and eat some of their foodstuffs.

I suppose I could delete the other post but that wouldn’t really show that there was a problem with a local company and they fixed it in a very efficient and fantastic manner. I dig these guys. They’re a bit of alright.

Two weeks ago I walked to the farmers’ market in Urbana with some of my closest buddies. We were in need of some local produce and that is the place to be. We walked home with gains of fresh peppers, peaches, and this weird German vegetable called kohlrabi (which ended up being pretty delicious, even if it was a bit strange). On the way home we saw a trolley sitting outside of a place called 88 Broadway. I asked my friend/dude squatting in my house Jon about it and he explained that it’s basically this bar and/or restaurant that has dueling pianos. They play just about anything and when he went there it was a really good time.

The deal with the trolley is that they pick people up from campus and drive them all the way down to the bar. I assume they do this because 88 Broadway is way out in Urbana and that makes it difficult to get the frat boys out their way. The easiest way to do so is to give them a ride over there and make it fun along the way.

Last Thursday I was on Green St. waiting outside the fine establishment that is Murphy’s. We were waiting in line and this trolley comes galloping down the road with a bunch of drunken students inside of it. Everyone inside was rather smiley and a guy on a megaphone kept shouting at all of us to get in the trolley and ride to “88 Broadway!” When no one left the line to hop on the trolley he called us all pussies and faggots.

This, my friends, is not cool. It’s one thing if I hear another gay guy call someone a faggot. When a gay guy says it, it’s considered ironic.

“What, dearest homosexual friend, you are but a gay yourself! You saying the dehumanizing word is the opposite of what I expected from you, hence the term ironic. Oh, dear chum, how you fill me with questions to which I seek answers!”

This happens all the time. Usually verbatim.

It’s the same deal with that whole n-word situation. If I were to say it, if my ass isn’t kicked I will at least get a lot of people whispering about me. Calling someone a slur based on minority “status” is only allowed if you are of that minority group. Minorities usually call this “taking back Insert Slur Here.”

When the word “faggot” is shouted through a megaphone at a crowd of people on Green St., I’m not a happy person. If the guy on the trolley said, “Oh, you’re all just a bunch of niggers!” through a megaphone that would not be accepted.

I’m writing the people at 88 Broadway. I feel aside from not riding the trolley, that’s all I really can do. I encourage you to do the same. If you don’t, you’re just always gonna be a pussy and a faggot.

luke@88broadwaybar.com

http://www.88broadwaybar.com/

Studying abroad is one of those things that you really need to take advantage of while in college. I studied abroad in Vienna, and there are countless experiences I had there that I had never experienced in the United States. One such experience involved having my foot sucked on and having a feeling more intense than any blowjob I’ve ever gotten.

Seriously, if you haven’t had your foot sucked on, you really need to find someone who is willing to do that for you. It’s like getting a foot massage except it is sexual (seriously, it’s not creepy) and therefore more relaxing.

Since having the footjob I have questioned whether or not I am sexually attracted to feet. That is, do I have a foot fetish? I remember this one episode of Sex & the City where one of the girls gets free shoes because she lets the shoe salesman handle her goodies (all 10 toes included). This guy was so into feet that he made them his profession and then used expensive shoes as a come-on. I, on the other hand, sell clothes and coffee and really don’t think about your feet unless they somehow end up on my lap.

Photo courtesy of myfriendsfeet.com

Here in my place of residence, the Molly House,* we were discussing feet for some reason or other. I can’t remember if we were talking about a foot fetish itself or if someone simply forgot to wear socks, but somehow in conversation the topic of foot rape came up.

My lovely housemate R**** told me about a friend of hers who was at a party here on campus. Having drunk a bit too much, he had to take a piss. Apparently whoever was in the bathroom was either vomiting or taking a shit because at some point he decided to sit down and lay his legs flat on the ground. A girl walked by, clearly horny, and sat on his lap and started making out with him. Then she reached under her skirt and moved her panties to the side and sat on his barefoot.

She fucked herself with his foot. Bareback.

This was, by my definition and that of my housemates’, a clear case of foot rape. Rather, the foot was raped by the vagina. The guy didn’t know what to do so he just let it happen. Rape, of course, is a strong word, but in all seriousness, this guy did not agree to fuck this girl (with his foot or otherwise), and therefore I am comfortable using the word. He was drunk and taken advantage of, just in a very bizarre sort of way. She didn’t even give him the chance to put on a latex foot glove. They make those, right?

What I wonder is if the girl saw it as a crime at all. Or if she even considered it to be a sexual intercourse type of act. I know a lot of people don’t define oral sex to be sex, myself included, and I’m wondering if foot/vag penetration is considered sex sex. If someone fucked you with his or her foot, and you’ve never had any other form of sex, would you consider the foot fucking a loss of your virginity?

If you watch Weeds, which you should, you probably remember the episodes in season 3 where Andy ends up shooting porn where he fucks girls with his foot (the one with the missing toe). Is foot fucking now a popular thing? Has it crossed the line from being a fetish to mainstream sex?
And in that regard, is there such a thing as a fetish crossing over into being considered “normal” sex? Like fingering. Was finger banging just a fetish people had?

I’m proud of the fact that I would rather have a footjob than a blowjob. I don’t know, maybe I’ve just never gotten a really great blowjob. Or maybe all those nerves that are supposed to be in my dick actually ended up in my foot. Or maybe I just have some psychological problem and require a large amount of therapy. Regardless of what the deal is, at least I’m getting off. I certainly hope I can say the same for you.

Oo, baby, give it to me manually!

* The house that I currently occupy with my housemates has been dubbed The Molly House, which was a tavern in the early modern period where men would meet to socialize, dance, and drink. Almost like a brothel, it was also a place where they could meet other men and actually have sex with anonymous partners. We’re having a party this weekend. It’s gonna be balls out fantastic.

R***** This is my new nickname for one of my roommates, because clearly I don’t want to embarrass her or her friend by printing any real names. And R***** just rolls off the tongue, ya know?

Over the next 7 days, I have three papers, two tests, one project, and two jobs to work at. Naturally I’m a little stressed out, but I’m holding my head high and sipping some OJ.

I try to sign into Facebook but my account has been disabled. Along with my roommates, I’m hosting an event this coming weekend, an “erotic party,” if you will. That’s one of the dropdown categories they actually supply you with on Facebook.

I uploaded a photo of two women. One of these women had exposed breasts. I think the photo is beautiful, and while erotic, not necessarily pornographic. Facebook disagrees, as well as someone who saw the pics in the event and actually decided to report the image in question.

My Facebook account has been disabled. It might be a permanent thing. Why would the give me the option of hosting an erotic party if they didn’t want any erotic photos to show just how erotic it would be?!

I don’t know what to say or do. I wrote them, explaining my case … but my god, can you imagine? I may have to re-meet all my acquaintances. Call them. Well, first ask for all of their numbers and then the tons of photos we took together.

My god.

What a brave new world this is.

I should be reading this story called “Leben der schwedischen Graefin von G***.” It’s this story that involves a dead husband and a new husband and then finding out that the original husband wasn’t so dead. And incest. For some reason the Germans thought this was a pretty fun concept in the 18th Century. I would have to agree. However, I’m actually a bit more distracted by the plague of what is basically Pornography Light (aka erotic art) on sites such as SuicideGirls.com.

Suicide Girls was first brought to my attention a few years ago when I was perusing the sex section of a Borders up in Orland. My hometown of Oak Forest doesn’t have any bookstores. We do have a library but only old people go there and I’m relatively certain that their books aren’t as up-to-date as a library in … well, any other city but Oak Forest. You probably haven’t even heard of it. In fact, I’m one of those people that tells people I’m from Chicago just to make it simpler than explaining that Oak Forest isn’t Oak Park or Lake Forest. I lived on the south side of Chicago (Marquette Park, bitches) until I was 9, but due to the whole gangbangers and drugs and people getting shot and witnessing gang wars from my front porch and my neighbor being murdered, we decided to move.

Anyway, I was at Borders in Orland because Oak Forest doesn’t have a bookstore or up-to-date library.

My dearest darlingest friend Aurora pulled out a book called Suicide Girls, a book filled with girls that resembled her, if not a bit more hardcore in terms of the piercings, tattoos, and fucked-up hair. How I recall it being explained to me was that these were nude photos of actual girls. This is what women actually look like. Some of them were skinny, some of them were not. Some of them were very angry, some of them were incredibly squeezable. They were all either, as stereotypes defined them: goth, punk, or indie.

I thought the idea was interesting but not enough to actual invest in one of the books. Nowadays they have their own website and a lot more girls, though hardly any of the original pin-ups remain. It turns out there were several controversies. On the website the girls were allowed to have blogs, but then they were censored whenever they would criticize management. A lot of photos were taken down because of the U.S. Justice Department’s War on Porn. I wasn’t aware there was a war going on, otherwise I would have suited up for battle against the Justice Department. HOW DARE THEY?

Then there’s the whole Nazi incident in which a girl was wearing Nazi paraphernalia and blah blah blah. Basically, this went from being a company promoting that all women are real women to a site full of evil controversy and pornography and evil evil Nazis.

Naturally other sites sprang up, which is actually what got my attention on the subject again. One of my friends from high school told me she was going to be posing for one of the sites, this one is called GodsGirls.com. I’ve seen her photos and while I thought it might be weird seeing someone I’ve known for so long naked on screen, I soon realized that wasn’t true. I actually dig her photos and if you can afford the 20 dollars a month, you should check out the site.

That, however, is where I’m not sure how I feel about this. How much money do the girls themselves see? Is it still art if you can’t access it freely? I guess that’s a dumb question, as even the Art Institute of Chicago has an entrance fee, and most works in there aren’t pornography (except that one with the little girls and the oranges …).

Renoir at his pornographic/pedophilic best

The same friend told me about FedorasBox.com, a site she called, “the revolution of sexual expression” and “another amazing, artsy, porny-type site.”

Artsy porn. I really liked this term because normally people don’t admit to pornography being both artistic and something you can jerk off to, unless of course it’s erotic literature.

Are these sites really the classy way to beat off? Or is it just a different kind of marketing? The blogs are supposed to make you feel more connected to who you’re getting hard from. They give each girl more personality than a Playboy centerfold’s “My favorite movie is Saving Private Ryan and I really don’t like things like pollution or graffiti.” These girls are real, a bit in your face, and hot.

**

On a side note, in terms of keeping it real, my roommates Natalie and Shauna just brought me home a durag. I don’t feel so much ghetto fabulous as I feel like a pirate, but I think the fabulousness just comes with time.

Double side note, Microsoft Word didn’t try to auto-correct the word fabulousness and I am very pleased to announce that it is indeed a real word, acceptable for use in a game of Scrabble. At least according to Microsoft.

**

Back to the artsy porn. Porn is becoming a lot more of a normal human being experience, no longer limited to the glamorous and what society prescribes as being beautiful. Xtube, PornTube, Cam4, Suicide Girls, Gods Girls, Fedoras Box, and so many other similar sites are promoting sex made by and for regular people.

Are these sites with artsy porn really art or are they just softcore porn? Is that what artsy porn actually is? Simply softcore with a different name?

I know I raised the question of regular people in porn before, but this is a different question that I need to ask:

Can you jerk off and be entirely classy about it? Something tells me that whenever Queen Elizabeth gives herself the old rubdown in the tub. Not a pleasant image? Sorry, what about Princess Di when she masturbated? You know that had to be a classy affair. She probably ejaculated champagne, for all we know.

What? Too soon?

Look how pleased she is with herself! You know a man didn’t put that grin on her face. I’d love to see her dildo collection. She probably has one made of fuckin’ crystal.

As it is Labor Day, I decided to sit back in my underwear and read one of my favorite texts by Mr. Kant, “What Is The Enlightenment?” Now, I had to read this for class anyway, but it was the perfect reason to get into my bed and chill in boxer briefs, curled up with one of the greatest philosophers of the 18th century. I guess when one looks at his picture one doesn’t imagine the epitome of sexiness, but when I fuck, I fuck for brains.

the sexy beast himself

As I enjoy being in my underwear, I also find it necessary to let all of my friends, family, and acquaintances know when one can find me in such a state of dress. I made this my Facebook status and wouldn’t you know it but several fine conversations come up on the subject of underwear.

Underwear is a delicate matter, hence the term “delicates.” Yes, you may now laugh raucously and pat me on the back for coming up with that one, and you may also call me, “You old whipper snapper, you!” But quite seriously, they are indeed delicate. Underwear can make or break a man. I don’t do chicks, but since they have entire stores devoted to nothing but bras and panties, something tells me this holds true for them too.

My first rule of thumb is that if a guy is wearing a pair of boxers with pictures of beer mugs or clovers on them, he’s tossed out. He should not be accepted as a part of mankind and he should be ashamed of himself for even trying. If you have cartoons on your underwear (Homer Simpson, for example), you’re probably the type of person where your underwear will never see the light of day anyway. SHAME ON YOU.

Pickles, on the other hand, are okay.

One time I came across a guy who had underwear with pickles drinking from mugs of beer. I was completely confused as to what to do and developed a complex.

One of the conversations that developed from my “in bed with Kant” status was the ever-famous Boxers vs. Briefs debate. The first time I ever heard of the debate was for a commercial starring the Space Jammer himself, Michael Jordan. The commercial had, if I recall correctly, two women who were sitting on a bench in the middle of a park. As joggers went by, they would objectify the men as sexual objects and exclaim “boxers” or “briefs” depending on the type of jogger. When Michael Jordan jogs by, they cock their heads and ask the question. MJ turns around, gives a little wink to the camera, and exclaims that they’re Hanes. The women turn red, embarrassed, and then try to picture Michael’s junk. His son goes to U of I, so something tells me Michael is at least packin’ something under there.

The debate breaks loose. One can be so comfy in boxers and they can even make you feel sexy, especially if they’re silk. That’s hot shit. But then there are briefs, and while they may have been slightly embarrassing in the locker room in middle school, now that you’re fully developed they’re the best tool you’ve got to outlining the goods. I personally invest in both. If I feel my pants are going to come off at some point in front of mixed company, boxers will be the underwear of choice, but if they are to come off in solitary company, briefs are the way to go.

Naturally God decided to make our lives even more confusing by inventing things like boxer briefs. And banana hammocks. And these weird thong things. And jock straps. Have you ever heard of a bong thong? They’re terrifying. There are types of underwear that offer extra support and then there are the wonderbras of the male underwear department.

If you browse the web like I do, which I hope to god you don’t, you’ll notice that brand names such as 2(x)ist are becoming increasingly popular among men in the 20s age bracket. At $16 a pair, are they too expensive? When did underwear become a status symbol?

Recently I spent around 18 dollars at Dick’s on a set of 6 pairs of Nike socks. I was ridiculed. Scolded. I was told that one should just buy socks from Walmart because they’re a clothing item that no one sees or cares about. Is it really the same with underwear? By the time you have their pants off, will you really kick them out of your house for wearing a pair of boxers with Homer Simpson eating a donut on it?

Yes. Yes I would. I am not ashamed to admit that I have standards. It may not be classy to kick someone out, but you weren’t being very classy when you bought that pair of underwear now were you?

Want to know how much it costs for a pair of Ed Hardy briefs? 36 bucks.

I’m not sure if, when I see Ed Hardy underwear, I should respect it or disrespect it. Is it really necessary to spend that much on underwear? I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself, but there are children in China who have to wear Homer Simpson underwear! Don’t you care?!

I guess in all reality those kids are probably actually sewing the Homer Simpson underwear, and not really wearing them. Maybe we should all go green and wear underwear made out of hemp and bamboo.

If I could go back in time, I would like to ask Immanuel Kant wore boxers or briefs. He was pretty on top of things, so whatever he chose, he’d probably be down with Michael and go with the Hanes.

Polka dots? Count me in, big boy.

If you want to check out the bong thong, hit up undergear.com. I highly recommend subscribing to the catalogue.