I wrote the following blog a few days ago, back when the Olympics were still hot. I was considering not posting it because it shows just how shallow of a person I actually am. But, in the spirit of Darwinism, I am going to post it. Maybe it’s wrong to constantly dote on how good you look or how athletically inclined you are, but there’s a reason we do it. Why shouldn’t we want to be with really hot athletic intelligent talented people? It’s one of the reasons I was so glad I got into U of I. Hooray! No ISU, bitches! It’s also why I shed a single tear (that later turned into a gumdrop) when I was turned down for Columbia. Those bastards just didn’t appreciate the fact that I did little to nothing to actually change the world when I was 16. Fascists.
* * *
I was really excited for the Olympics this year. I figured after really getting into the Euro Cup (Deutschland!!!!) I could easily transition into some fine competition among the world’s greatest athletes. Then, after listening to some of my friends talk about their favorite athletes (okay, basically whenever I heard them talking about Phelps), I realized that it would be impossible for me to get into the Olympics, at least right now while I am in a phase of not going to the gym because my damn workout buddy is camping and to go to the gym alone would be asking way too much of myself.
I’m jealous of Michael Phelps. This kid from Baltimore who goes to U of Michigan holds 16 Olympic medals, only 2 of which are not gold. When I hear people discussing his wins, they’re not only interested in the fact that he’s an amazing athlete and more than likely a genetic mutant, but the conversation ultimately turns to how much they want Phelps to stick it in them. This isn’t just on our campus, but across the entire world. This guy could walk into any bar, whether it be Legends, KAMS, or even a Barnes & Noble, and people will flock to him, male, female, and otherwise, wanting his business deep inside them.
It’s highly unlikely that Phelps will choose to sleep with any of them. He doesn’t know them and he probably won’t accept their friend request on Facebook. Something tells me he’s not that into poke wars.
This morning I tried watching this biking event, I think it was sprints, where they have two guys slowly riding bicycles on a track with banked curves. Once they make a complete round, the buzzer goes off and they start racing the shit out of each other. My favorite match was between some dude from France and this guy from the Netherlands in his little orange jumpsuit. These suits cut down wind resistance as much as possible and also make the athletes’ bodies look amazing.
I’m a history and German literature major at the U of I. I try to work out as often as possible, and I try to be as decent of a human being as necessary, but there’s no way I’m ever going to be as physically fit as any of these athletes. And have you noticed how many of our American athletes go to Ivy League schools? So not only are these kids incredibly athletically talented and winning medals for the U.S., but they’re also incredibly intelligent/set for life.
I work at a café and I am a writer struggling to crack out a few chapters in my novel that conveniently stares at me from the desktop. How can I, or any of us, really compete? It seems that everyone in both the gay and straight communities wants to have their ideal humanoid as a partner, and thanks to the Olympics the current ideal is that of a man who is 6’4” and has an arm span of 6’7”. Apparently the man is double-jointed everywhere, a term that I had thought I had learned to be total bullshit. But no, he’s a genetic wonder who trained incredibly hard and is arguably one of the sexiest men in America.
I’m not saying people will continue to desire only the utmost perfection in terms of a mate, but I just think it’s absolute bull when women complain about having to fit specific societal images and looking pretty all the time. The same clearly goes for men. And it is completely possible to look like Michael Phelps or Angelina Jolie or whomever, but most of us just aren’t willing to put in the effort all the time. Maybe we need the genetics and luck and talent to bring us to next step, that of being world-renowned etc. etc., but we can still look hot.
Michael Phelps, as well as the rest of Team USA, are definitely hard-working beasts. They are constantly training and improving upon themselves. I work at a café and I chill on the quad throwing a disc around with my friends. I do not have the body of Michael Phelps, I do not have the success of Michael Phelps, and I do not have the worldwide recognition of my last name like Michael Phelps. I’m pretty okay with working at a café and chilling on the quad, but I’m definitely jealous of this man, and I’m definitely going to be hitting up CRCE as soon as I get back to campus.
It’s great if you feel you don’t have to conform to society’s representation of what it means to be hot and attractive, but something tells me that you’re trying to be the best at something. Maybe you’re not trying to be an athlete, but perhaps you’re trying to become some great chemist or artist or paleontologist or actress or historian or whatever the case may be. I love living in a capitalist nation where competition rules and being the best gets you a bigger house and boat than the next guy, but sometimes I just get worried that I’ll never get that damn boat.
Whatever. I’m in college, I have two years left before I’m unemployed, and I have a shit ton of solo cups that will guarantee that I’ll have fun without having flippers for feet.
Yeah. I’m okay with that. At least for the next few minutes.
This is what we’re supposed to look like? Well, I’m screwed.
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
RJ (RJ) says:
(Posted August 20th, 2008 at 9:59 am)
Phelps phobia, in MY community LGBT blog? It’s more likely than you think.
Micheal Phelps has a lot of things going for him. To reiterate, he’s recently won eight gold medals in one games - the most by any single athlete ever, ever. He’s like Neil Armstrong, Brett Favre, and Flipper rolled all into one. He’s also 23. For all of you college-aged folk and younger reading today, let me remind you that contradictory to what you might think, life pretty much begins at 23. I recently turned 24; My lifetime goals include an impressive zero olympic gold medals, zero olympic silvers, and no olympic bronzes. And I did it all without attending the Games in Atlanta, Athens, Sydney, or Beijing! I believe my highest ranking award would be 5th place in the Montana State Mathcounts competition. That’s true pride.
There are ultimately two sides to the Phelps Coin of Success - being amazingly successful at something and accomplishing something.
I can say I’m ultimately jealous of him. I can’t swim for shit. Phelps can swim, however, and he uses his talents, trains vigorously, and spends day after day at the pool. The pool is his life. What do you spend your time doing? It is not surprising that the most prestigious physical human accomplishment ends up going to a human with quite glowing human qualities: sex appeal, strength, package. But Phelps does have to spend a lot of time working towards it. Genetics isn’t everything, you know 
If you want to be truly successful at something, you have to practice.
Phelps had been to the Olympics before. He knows what exists, what can be accomplished. He didn’t train the 500m doggy-paddle; he trained 8 specific routines in 8 specific conditions designed to be the fastest in each of those situations. He was smart about it! We forget sometimes that this ability to accomplish great things isn’t automatic. I guess what I’m trying to say is if you have something in your life you know you want to be able to succeed at, don’t continually question whether you can do it or not. Make the extra effort. Find out everything you can about it. Train. There might not be a gold medal in the end, but actually adapting to new challenges is what makes us unique and exciting as humans. Don’t give up!
Here’s a little grain of salt to enjoy with your Phelps. (Who knows, maybe he’s not salty enough?) Success and reputation go hand-in-hand. We all learned last week that Mark spits. Now for the next good while, they will ask Phelps every four years if the athlete attempting to break his record is man enough to swallow. Remember, Phelps’ life has just began. He has lots of talking to get to. I don’t know about swimming as a profession, but I hope he has a real passion outside of aquatics to keep him entertained and busy for the rest of his days.
You might not win big, but you can be a winner if you try. And look damn good trying.
Phillip Bartell (Phillip Bartell) says:
(Posted August 20th, 2008 at 10:40 am)
Sure, Phelps can get laid by whomever he wants, but I’m not sure I woulda traded in my childhood/teenage years to achieve world domination/easy lay-ability, as he must have with all that training. Add to that the “You people only wanna be around me cuz I’m famous/hot/rich” fear factor he must have, and the “This is as PINNACLE OF MY FUCKING LIFE but I’ve got 60-70 years left to go” element and who knows? Maybe being a god at 23 isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 
Phillip Bartell (Phillip Bartell) says:
(Posted August 20th, 2008 at 10:40 am)
P.S. But I DO like the pic, hehheh.
Mike Consalvo (Mike Consalvo) says:
(Posted August 20th, 2008 at 9:33 pm)
Maybe its the cynic in me coming out, but ever since the steroid scandal in baseball, I usually have doubts an athlete’s accomplishment.
For the record though, although I find Phelps hot, call me crazy but I find you more attractive.
Aurora (Aurora) says:
(Posted August 21st, 2008 at 11:13 am)
I wouldn’t do him. But I appreciate that he’s not too muscle-y. I’d do you first, tho.
Nick Z (Nick Z) says:
(Posted August 24th, 2008 at 2:18 am)
It is important to note everything that goes into being as successful as these people are. Like you said about them being set for life, how many of them were given great opportunities just due to their Socioeconomic Status that most people cant even dream of. Personal training when they are younger, the money to pay for the Applications to medical school (!!!). It is nice to see the world turning more towards realism in terms of what they see as attractive and acceptable. Not everyone can look like this guy just due to the constraints and demands of their life, not necessarily because they are lazy or whatnot. Although that is not to say it isn’t nice to have people around who are pleasant to look at as well.
Here’s to a new semester!
Marc (Marc) says:
(Posted September 4th, 2008 at 7:43 pm)
I actually don’t think Phelps is very attractive. As far as swimmers go I prefer Australian Ian Thorpe.
Add your comment
the217
Sections
Buzz Magazine
Liam Reed
1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted August 20th, 2008 at 9:40 am)
Honestly, just drop down to minimal body fat, do some crunches and you can look like a layman’s version of that, easy. What you’ll lack of course is the supreme functionality of the entire machine which obviously comes with the years of training nonstop. Besides compared to a great many gays you’re a top specimen almost on my level (lol! j/k?). So I hope once the Olympics fever has completely died down you can feel fit with your status among U of I’s Homosexual Superior.