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Sperm: The Other Other Other White Meat

posted by Liam Reed at 6:33 pm.

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I recently read an article that taught me some interesting information about soy, namely that IT IS KILLING MY MANHOOD. I started drinking soy milk instead of cow/goat/horse milk about 8 months ago when I thought I was lactose intolerant. I have never been tested for lactose intolerance, but when my whey shakes with milk and yogurt started making me feel incredibly terrible in the stomach/ass department (perhaps more well known as gastrointestinal?), I decided to start monitoring my diet and realized that these terrible pains only were abound when I was drinking milk. A=B B=C A= I ain’t spending no money on seeing a doctor.

As I learned from this article, which I trust wholeheartedly, there exists such a thing as phytoestrogens, and there is a category of phytoestrogens known as isoflavones. I’m not sure what that means, but what this article tells me is that isoflavones are found in soy-based foods (tofu, soy milk, tofurkey, etc.). People in the study had their sperm count tested, and to quote RealJock.com (shut up), “The men in the highest soy intake group had 41 million fewer sperm per milliliter than men who ate no soy. A normal sperm count is 80 to 120 million sperm per milliliter—so those 41 million are a significant effect.”

41 MILLION FEWER SPERM. It’s almost good enough to be a new form of contraception.

Almost, but not quite.

NOT a proper form of contraception.

Regular amounts of soy won’t kill all your little guys, but odds are if you are a vegetarian, you are probably consuming more soy than the average bear. You are also a cold-blooded murderer and should be ashamed of yourself. Every time you are eating soy you are killing millions upon millions of little sperms. If you’re a vegetarian, you’ve probably already killed trillions. And I bet you don’t even feel bad about it. You people make me sick. I should probably call the ASPCA.

I really like this article.

“Hot testicles are sad testicles.”

It also goes on to describe how being fat covers your boys and that KILLS your spermies. Or decreases them, whatever you want to call it I guess. But like I said, this is all from an article on RealJock and, if I figured out how to use the damn html, there should be an actual link to the article above. If you can’t see this link, it’s because I’m a damn fool and the URL can be found here:

http://www.realjock.com/article/1189

For those of you who aren’t superior buff machines like myself, realjock.com is a website that is promoted toward gay men who are into sports, fitness, and nutrition, aka healthy people. Healthy gay people. “But wait,” you interject, “why oh why are you, clearly a homosexual with an agenda, interested in your sperm count?”

To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure, but realjock seems to think that it’s important for gay men to have a high sperm count, regardless of how often they are actually trying to run around impregnating people.

I want you to go pour yourself a drink. It’s time we talk about having kids, dear. I know I’m only 20 years old, but for some damn reason, whether it be the fact that I was a camp counselor for many years or because I cannot wait to cart small screaming people to baseball games, I think about having kids and raising a family. And having dogs. Dogs are an important part of the equation but we’re talking about soybeans and babies right now, not how awesome dogs are.

My awesome dogs

As someone who cannot pass a mirror without checking himself out, I really want to have a kid of my own who looks and thinks like me. I will mold him to become a very intelligent, fitness inclined, incredibly stylish Casanova that will cure cancer and solve that damn global warming thing. That being said, he will probably hate me and be more self conscious than any single person should be, feeling he can never live up to my expectations and running away from home at the young age of 8 years and 4 months. But at least he’ll look like me.

I feel that gay men that want to raise a family have a responsibility to adopt as many children as they are capable of raising, you know, to take care of all the “mistakes” heterosexual slutty 15 year old girls create. You’ve seen the hit blockbuster Juno, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Her legs were wider than … well, like I said, we’re here to talk about soy beans and babies.

There is actually a multitude of options for gay men when it comes to having children. Think about it, if you happen to be “the hot one” of the couple, it’s not an insult when you say to your partner, “I think we should hire someone for me to artificially inseminate.” You get a pretty baby and your husband, Lenny McGee, is not insulted. Try that with your wife, “Uh yeah hon, I was wondering if you mind me inseminating, artificially or otherwise, your best friend Gina. She’s a lot hotter than you and is a doctor and I think that’s what our baby needs. We have to sacrifice ourselves, babe.”

There’s adoption, there’s artificial insemination, of course you can do it cheaper and just sleep with, egad, a woman, and then of course there’s those small women in India who you can pay to carry your child even though you’re a giant 300 lb. man and she weighs in at 95 lbs. and probably shouldn’t be carrying your baby, but needs to make 1,000 bucks to keep her family fed. And of course you can always steal a baby.

Oh. Wait. I forgot something, you CAN’T adopt. If you want to adopt a child as a gay parent, you probably need to run to a country like China to do so. That’s what my high school French teacher did, and while she loved her daughter, she still had to travel to China every now and then for paperwork. China is simply too far away, thank you very much!

I think conservatives are very interesting people. The general conservative consensus is that abortion is murder and that adoption by gays is wrong, yet with all the conservatives out there, it seems like there are a helluva lot of unadopted American children out there. Interesting. I guess the only proper way to act as a 15 year old pregnant girl is to drop out of school and raise the child by working at a Blockbuster (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Or you could just never have sex, but even Blockbuster employees have to get laid.

It’s relatively easy for a gay guy to marry his best female friend, get her all knocked up, and then get parental rights. It’s even easier for lesbians thanks to the fine mechanics of the turkey baster. So why is it that in a world of 150 million orphaned children that gays can’t adopt? It seems that if there are people out there who don’t want these babies aborted, they should be willing to give these kids the best shot at being adopted by a loving family as possible.

But what do I know, right? I’m just some guy with a sex blog who clearly has something against vegetarians.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com