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Caspar David Friedrich: Always Arousing Certain Feelings

posted by Liam Reed at 7:57 am.

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Three days ago I saw my host sister’s tits. I’m not sure if you would call that exaggeration or not. We were on the island of Ruegen, the largest German island that exists, which happens to be where Elizabeth’s* boyfriend of 1 year some odd months lives. He is (basically from what I gathered) a grain farmer and his farm and home lay right on the Baltic Sea. I had never been to Ruegen but was excited to be getting the tour because this is where Caspar David Friedrich painted those forever-famous chalk cliffs. In a few decades they’ll probably be washed away so it’s a good thing I came to see them now instead of for my 90th birthday.

Back to the tits. I was touring Elizabeth’s boyfriend’s home and was led into his bedroom. Elizabeth clearly helped him decorate as this guy didn’t seem to be the type to paint several differently toned brown lines of varying sizes on the wall. Above his bed post, an adorable picture of Elizabeth posing on the rocks that are probably one and the same with the rocks lining the beach a few hundred meters away.

Then, I got the phone call from my second host father (in the Rotary exchange program I was apart of in high school you live with a total of 3 families, Elizabeth was from family number 3 and Papa Hansy* was family number 2, but that isn’t really too significant to the story). During this phone call my host sisters left me alone in the bedroom as I talked to Hansy. We were planning a coffee and/or lunch rendezvous for the next morning. That’s when I noticed the calendar hanging on the back of the bedroom door, and there, Miss July herself, Elizabeth was laying spread across the crimson sheets, tits ablaze.

Americans are prude. Or rather, pruder than Germans, if you would care to allow such a word to exist. The moment I wrote that sentence I realized how incorrect that is. After all, I have admittedly written that many of the girls on the U of I campus are quite skanky when it comes to going out, but how many of you freak out when you see the word tits in print. God forbid I use the c-word… So my question is, is there a difference between being a skank on campus and being STARK NAKED ABSOLUTELY BARE NOT WEARING A THING NUDE IN FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO HAS BASICALLY BEEN A BROTHER TO YOU FOR THE LAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS?

No. There isn’t. It’s basically the same argument between porn and erotica. I enjoy both, I really do. I am the number one advocate of all things Xtube, but while I do think it is quite interesting to see regular joes jerking it for the world to see, I do not think I would go so far as calling it art. Maybe education, but not art. I also really love erotica. One of my favorite all-time books is The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker: An Erotic Memoir by Suzanne Portnoy. If you haven’t read it I will lend you my copy or you can pick up your own here:

http://www.amazon.com/Butcher-Baker-Candlestick-Maker-Erotic/dp/0753511010

Go read this right now.

Arguably, there is a difference between porn and erotica. Porn is meant to get you off while erotica is literature that just happens to turn you on and then you end up throwing the book aside and just go at it. That’s the difference: porn you keep in front of you and erotica you throw aside when you move on to the handy business. So why isn’t porn just considered interactive art?

It should be. That’s the problem with this damn calendar. I see my host sister’s breasts and I try to justify it. Is it art? After all, she’s laying here only for the enjoyment of a single person, her boyfriend. And since they live 2 hours away from each other, the calendar probably is used for more than just keeping track of the date (regardless of how impressive and difficult a task that may be). But yes, I would go so far as to argue it is indeed art. It was meant to please someone’s eye. It was meant to arouse certain feelings. It was created to remind someone of something they enjoy. That someone just doesn’t happen to be me and when I see such things I get a little red in the face.

As some of you know, Germany is in Europe. And being in Europe, it is of course quite to have nude beaches. Sadly the first time I wandered onto one of these beaches when I was 17 I was quite displeased to realize that it’s usually old wrinkly and often fat women who enjoy being nude on the nude beaches. On one of the first days I was living in Germany my host mom (of, naturally, family number 1) took me to the beach that was about a 4-minute walk. Naturally she just decided to take her swimsuit with her and instead of finding some sort of locker room she just stripped down right there in front of me. I learned a lot about my host mom that day and I do not wish to share it. Quick side note, this is the same host mom who, while walking along the same beach, saw a very very large naked man and woman swimming together and then giggled to me, “Hey look, beached whales.”

Germany, clearly a part of Europe.

Not that I advocate making fun of fat naked people, but I just thought it was funny that this person was put in charge of my life for 5 months. She taught me German and I liked her a lot. But that has nothing to do with my host sister’s tits.

What I am getting at is that in Europe everyone seems to be pretty damn cool with their bodies. They make calendars and they walk on beaches even when they’re old and nasty. I believe I mentioned in my article on the Life Ball in Vienna that one guy, instead of wearing an alien-themed costume, just went to the red carpet event naked and painted everything up to and including his uncut penis purple. Yes, I have a picture and no, I will not be posting it, but yes, if you contact me through email I will happily send it to you.

In the United States, bodies are put into pretty little frames. Girls show off their cute little asses and their gigantic tits and fake tans while guys groom rather interesting areas (also a very important topic that must soon be discussed) and wear tight tees with Greek letters to show just how ripped and cool they happen to be.

Like I said, I like porn, so I really don’t have a problem with this. They do this in Europe too of course, because people EVERYWHERE like getting laid, but America just happens to lack a lot of the “erotica” and seems to bank on the “porn.” That, and violence. In America we love violence and video games and movies are a great example of that. One of my favorite movies is Kill Bill Vol. 1 because of just how much ass Uma Thurman happens to kick.

If you compare America to Europe, specifically Germany, you’ll notice that when it comes to media Americans love violence but are too embarrassed to admit to the tits, while Europeans really love tits but don’t like to admit to the violence. A lot of video games are incredibly censored (green blood, seriously?) and you are definitely always carded when purchasing violent games. But if you turn on any television after 11 PM you will see tons of commercials showing off various porn telephone lines that show everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. A friend of mine from Mexico once caught my reaction to a commercial for Grandma Porn. I guess some people are just into that.

In order to solve this whole war on terror, America needs to not only allow the public display of tits, but also encourage the public display of tits. You want to solve this recession we seem to find ourselves in? The solution is obvious: more erotica. We need to stop being embarrassed of the erotic side of sex and embrace it.

Save the USA! Show off what your mama gave you!

Just try and tell me that you can’t imagine what these hands are really grabbin’ on to.

*Elizabeth clearly isn’t the real name of my host sister, but it’s a good name with a good amount of syllables. Oh, and my second host dad wasn’t named Hansy, but I really wish he was.

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com