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Musicals Are Gay

posted by Liam Reed at 5:30 pm.

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If you have ever spoken to a male theater major, odds are that he’s a gay. I don’t mean to stereotype, it’s just the way it is. I did theater in high school, and if my colleagues weren’t out of the closet then, they came out later. Not all, no, but quite a hefty percentage. It is through this observation that I would like to make an a = b, b = c, so therefore a = c type of comment. I used to be a Mathlete, too. Clearly that didn’t work out for long because if it did, I would have a really awesome name to call this abc crap. So, based on this observation, actors are gay, actors act in musicals, and therefore musicals are gay.

HOWEVER, as is true with homosexuals, not all of them are good! Sure, Oklahoma! seems like a good idea at first, but then you realize, “Oh, Oklahoma! is actually the very spawn of all that is evil.” Did you know that the “!” is actually part of the title? It is. And it is very very bad. !!!

So, since I clearly need to protect you from the evil gays, today I would like to present to you the five musicals that are actually good and not filled with terrible music and lame ass chorus lines.

I look back on where I’m from
Look at the woman I’ve become

Hedwig and the Angry Inch – I have mentioned this movie before, and that is because it is fantastic. I’ve seen it live, I’ve seen it on cable, and I’ve seen it on DVD about a million times. It’s the story of Hedwig, that lovely girl from Berlin who used to be that lovely boy from Berlin. She moves to the U.S. with her lover and suddenly finds herself in a desperate situation. The music is a good mix ranging from some “harder” rock in songs like “Angry Inch” to country pop (Sugar Daddy) to the very melancholic and emo (Midnight Radio). When I first got this movie on DVD I watched it repeatedly, and when I wasn’t watching it I was listening to it. The story is incredibly different and puts forth some interesting questions such as “What is love?” “Who is my other half?” “How do we put ourselves back together again?” and of course, most important of all, “Where did that little kid learn to dance?” I realize I haven’t told you much of the story, but that’s because I don’t want to spoil it! Go! Rent! Now!

Tommy can you hear me?
Can you feel me near you?

Tommy – aka the Rock Opera from The Who, it’s the story of deaf, dumb, and blind boy (Tommy) who, through the magic of pinball, becomes a messiah. The movie has music written by The Who as performed not only by the band itself, but also the likes of Ann Margaret, Tina Turner, Eric Clapton, Elton John, and Jack Nicholson (!). This is again a movie that you can either watch the movie or just listen to the album when you get tired of looking at Ann Margaret rolling around in a slop of beans. Yes. A slop of beans.

She said, “Give me that hand, please, and the itch you can’t control.
Let me teach you how to handle all the sadness in your soul.”

Spring Awakening – This one is on Broadway right now and unfortunately hasn’t made it to the silver screen (eww, did I just say that?) just yet, but if you happen to be in New York, it’s definitely worth seeing. I cannot stress enough that the music in these musicals isn’t lame. It isn’t like that crap Wicked. It isn’t like Fiddler. It isn’t like Phantom. It’s actually cool. The story with Spring Awakening takes place in 19th century Germany among a cast of students in the age between … well, somewhere between middle school and high school. The kids are discovering their sexuality and go through interesting experiences such as, oh, I don’t know, having their father rape them. The music in this musical is often haunting, but that just makes me want to listen to it more. There’s pregnancy, there’s on-stage masturbation, there’s death. It’s very typical German. I love it.

Oh, toaster
Don’t you put the burn on me

Shock Treatment – This movie sucks. Really. It’s a terrible movie, but I think you should go check it out anyway, if not only for the music. One of the songs that got me hooked to this sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show is Bitchin’ in the Kitchen, a song about kitchen appliances. Go to YouTube and check out songs like Little Black Dress and Lullaby and try and tell me that you don’t like them. No. Don’t. You’ll hurt my feelings. The plot is really lame but “ahead of its time” in that it was about reality television. It was from 1981, but the idea of watching reality TV in musical form is kind of sickening. I understand this, but I still insist you check it out.

Black boys are delicious
Chocolate flavored love

Hair – Who doesn’t like hippies? My second roommate was a hippie (and if he says he’s not he’s a damn liar. He tied a hammock under my bed and went through a phase of veganism). Point is, I liked my roommate and I liked his hammock, so it only makes sense that I like this movie. It takes place in the 1960s during the Vietnam War and features many songs you probably actually know (Hair, (Age of) Aquarius, Manchester England). I first saw this movie during my freshman year of high school thanks to my best friend Amy who had been watching it, I believe, since she came out of the womb. That reminds me, props to Devin and his girl who is currently giving birth to twins. Anyway, back to the dirty hippies. Amy introduced me to this musical knowing I’d like it. Not only was the music awesome, but the topics covered in the movie? Sex, drugs, black people (!), war. That is basically my life in a nutshell. If you like sex, drugs, or black people, I highly recommend this one.

So that’s them. In no particular order, the five musicals that, while pretty gay, are actually pretty bitchin’. And stay away from Wicked. I saw it live with my ex a few years back, and while it was pretty cool live (eugh, don’t make me say that ever again), having to listen to that bullshit come out of a stereo is just torture. Except that song Popular. I like that one.

So if any of you out there are looking for the song that’s going to be your big hit, you should pay attention, because we are talking to Phil Collins’s people. But then again… aren’t we all?

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com