Why the hell is prostitution illegal? If someone could explain why it is, I encourage you to please do so. Prostitution should be legal, and this column/blog/whatever will be devoted to explaining why that is.
First of all, prostitution is an amazing business if you believe you can have sex with a stranger without feeling bad about it. Tons of girls on campus do this every weekend (short skirts in January in Champaign weather on a Saturday night and you want me to believe they aren’t going home with some drunk and horny frat guy? Please.), so they might as well make a little money while doing it, right? Seriously, if you lack the morals generally hammered into you as a child by organizations such as the Catholic Church and/or Sesame Street, this is a business where you basically sell nothing, at most your orgasms (even faked orgasms!), and make a lot of cash in return. Strap on a condom and you have relatively good odds that you won’t catch one of the STDs that are currently floating around campus. But, of course, this is all dependent on not feeling guilty about sex without love. Maybe it’s not for you, but looking around campus it definitely shouldn’t be a problem for a lot of students.
Many people believe that both men and women enter the illegal world of prostitution in order to take care of their coke habits. This may be true, but if listening to pop music over the last few years has taught me anything, there are also prostitutes who simply just need to take care of their families. Perhaps your husband or wife has left and you need to bring in some extra cash in order to keep feeding little Timmy those toaster strudels he so greatly desires. Prostituting your body is almost noble! I know this may sound like sarcasm, but quite seriously, as stated before this is a business where you trade in nothing for something, and extra cash for an hour or two of sex with a stranger may definitely seem like a situation worthy of getting into in terms of keeping food on the table.
But hey, maybe you just want to get into prostitution for fun. It’s something new, something wild, something dangerous … what’s stopping you? Perhaps it’s the whole STD thing. Or maybe it’s the getting preggers thing. But what would scare me if I were to get into prostitution would be the pimp. I’ve seen Snoop Dogg, and while I’m all about the Sensual Seduction, he freaks me out a bit. I mean, the dude is as old as my dad and he’s still smackin’ that bitch up. And I read Catcher in the Rye. Remember that part where the pimp practically kills Holden? Okay, maybe he didn’t practically kill him, but I sort of had a crush on Holden and therefore everything that happened felt even a bit more exaggerated than what was actually written. ANYWAY, point of the story is that pimps are scary and want to take all my hard-earned (giggle!) cash away, and that’s a problem considering I like wearing clothes that are classy, and classy means expensive. I cannot deal with a pimp taking away a percentage. And this is where the benefits of legalization come in:
A) No pimp. Everything is organized through the state. I mean, maybe that’s worse. Being taxed on your prostitution business kinda sucks, and filling out all those forms is both time-consuming and exhausting, but it keeps things legal and the government gets to cash in on an institution that normally actually costs tax-payers cash. Less policing against prostitution means less money in fighting prostitution, and when we tax prostitution the government gets to take that cash and finally build that auditorium your high school so desperately needed. Finally! Thanks to whores like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman you can finally put on that production of Les Mis!
B) STD Checks. This is where I’m actually most concerned in terms of legalizing prostitution and am not kidding at all. If prostitution were legal, the government could enforce certain laws in regards to it, specifically required STD checks for all prostitutes to ensure that customers won’t be catching anything they don’t necessarily want. The porn industry already has these rules set, and porn stars are required to perform STD checks before every film they act in. More STD checks means that STDs are discovered more often and therefore spread less. This is good.
C) Less rape? Maybe? Look, I don’t know if this is true or not, but if a guy could get laid for a reasonable price whenever he was horny, maybe he’d be less likely to roofie that chick he thinks is do-able. Maybe not … I mean, if a dude is willing to rape, he’s probably the type of guy who is relatively cheap and wouldn’t be willing to pay a hundred or two on a quick lay, so I guess I am just full of it, but maybe the statistics could prove otherwise.
D) Fight the War on Drugs! Bush, you’ll love this. If you get all the names of prostitutes in a database, you can easily find out if they’re working for “noble” reasons or if they’re just trying to get some smack. So basically you can force all prostitutes to enter rehab programs and therefore help them “get on the right track.” And I’m sure you could pay them enough to give up their sources in terms of where they’re getting their drugs, and you’re all about that, right? So take this opportunity and use it to your advantage!
I have the same feelings for prostitution that I have for abortion. I do not really agree with it, but I realize that if someone is desperate enough to fix a bad situation by doing something incredibly dangerous, they will do it whether it’s legal or not. If you make prostitution legal, you can at least bring in some governmental revenue and make things a bit safer (no pimp, no drugs, no STDs) for everyone involved. If you make abortion illegal, women will find underground ways of getting their abortions. Hell, even if they just do it legally in another country, those are dollars going towards a government that is not the American government, and since the Euro is currently valued at around $1.53, I think it’s time we start paying attention to what this country really needs: some hardcore sex with a stranger.
Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Comments
Mike Consalvo (Mike Consalvo) says:
(Posted May 14th, 2008 at 10:53 pm)
I agree with everything you have written 100%. I’ve been saying for years that the government should get rich off of prostitution since other people are too. Just think, with the taxes we can make on legalized hookerism we can help provide health insurance for children without coverage. I know some people say that it would only make guys more tempted to cheat on their wives, but as we know the law is not going to stop somebody from cheating on their wife with a hooker. Just look at Client 9, the former gov. of New York Eliot Spitzer (btw, what a great name for a guy who is getting a hooker). Christians like to point to the moral aspect of it, but honestly wasn’t prostitution in the bible? The way I see it, whatever 2 consenting adults want to do is none of my business. If you ask me its high time for the government to now be the pimp and get its cut.
Jean Kim (Jean Kim) says:
(Posted May 15th, 2008 at 10:17 pm)
You know that other people are thinking this too and are just too timid to say it out loud. I completely agree with you. Whether it’s moral or not is up to the individual, but look at other legal industries like porn or cigarettes. Same difference.
Mary (Mary) says:
(Posted May 15th, 2008 at 11:20 pm)
I personally don’t think it would make rape less prevalent. I think the reasons why rape occurs are much deeper than dudes just wanting to get laid. In fact, it could have the exact opposite effect, with women being seen more as sexual commodities. I am not saying that I disagree with all of your arguments. I do agree that prostitution is an unenforceable crime that mainly punishes the women involved, while the pimps usually go scott-free. But rape is not about just getting some ass, it is about power and dominance.
Chris Fairfield (Chris Fairfield) says:
(Posted May 15th, 2008 at 11:32 pm)
Another well-written article and one I agree with 100%.
@Mary: Perhaps, but in countries where pornography and/or prostitution are accepted the rape rate is much lower. However, that may not be correlative, but it is worth pointing out.
Anyway, there is an interesting published study to read on the subject. It claims legal prostitution would decrease rape in America by 25% (or 25,000 rapes).
http://www.independent.org/publications/working_papers/article.asp?id=1300
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Liam Reed
1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com
Scotty (Scotty) says:
(Posted May 14th, 2008 at 4:38 pm)
Woof!