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Why Queers Shouldn’t Marry

posted by Liam Reed at 12:40 pm.

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Why gay people are always trying to get married is beyond me. If a church and/or religion say they do not accept you, you should just take it in stride and move on. But no, some queers are just too pushy and need to be accepted by everyone and their mother. They need to be loved by everyone! Why?! If they do not accept you for who you are, do not waste your time trying to make them love you. If they do not understand that you are the same person regardless of your sexual orientation, they are either ignorant, dumb, or both and there is no hope for them.

The U.S. government should not get off the hook, though. No, I do not want to be married under a church that does not accept me, but it is total bull that heterosexual couples are getting lots of extra rights that are being denied to gay couples. You want examples? I’m so glad you asked!

Heterosexuals are granted the right to visit their partner if for some reason he or she is brought to the hospital. Perhaps wife Betty Sue was hit by a bus and she flew into oncoming traffic and was hit by an SUV. She laid there on the ground, bleeding from the fresh wound on her head and a crowd rushed around her to get her back on the sidewalk, waiting for the ambulance to come. Or maybe husband John was shot at the convenience store he was working at in the wee hours of the night in order to bring more revenue into the house to afford college for his children. He’s rushed to the hospital and he’s probably not going to make it, but his wife Betty Sue is allowed to see him one last time. She is given a chance to say goodbye. The same thing goes for John if he wants to visit Betty Sue after being hit by the bus. What if it was John who was shot at the convenience store but it was his partner Scott who wanted to see John in the hospital in those last remaining hours that he was alive? Nope. Access denied, bitch! There’s not a chance that he’ll be allowed in to see his lover because he legally isn’t considered family. The hospital doesn’t care that they’ve been together for 15 years and they have been raising their adopted daughter Ling-Ling (who they had to adopt from China, by the way, since the U.S. apparently thinks American orphans shouldn’t be burdened with gay parents) together since she was a baby. Nope nope nope, that doesn’t matter at all. There is no certificate saying they have a civil union, and therefore they are denied these visitation rights. The same goes for visitation rights in prisons, too.

What happens if Unfortunate John actually does die from the bullet wound? Well, it’s quite possible that his house, his car, his money, and everything else will not be going to recently widowed Scott. For example, Scott will definitely be denied the exemption from property tax that is normally given to heterosexual couples in the same situation. But let’s pretend that somehow he does get to have all of this fun stuff. He’ll probably have to sell it anyhow to cover all the hospital bills and the funeral arrangements. It turns out that very few companies are willing to recognize lesbian and gay unions and thereby allow both partners to be covered by company insurance. (Which reminds me, Starbucks is one of the few companies that does grant these “special” rights to lesbian and gay employees, so kudos to you, Starbucks and Starbucks merchants.)
Oops! Wait a gosh darn second! Did you say John just died? Well it looks like Cute Little Ling-Ling is being sent back to China because only one parent was allowed to adopt her, and unfortunately that parent wasn’t Scott, the only family she really has in the world. Oh well! Must suck to be Ling-Ling! She should write her local congressman about joint adoption, I guess.

Want more rights granted to heterosexual couples but not homosexual? Here are a few random ones given in a report to the General Counsel of the U.S. General Accounting Office: access to military stores, bereavement leave, immigration, insurance breaks, social security survivor benefits, tax breaks, veteran’s discounts (they fought for our country yet it doesn’t matter because they’re gay!?), burial determination, domestic violence protection (!!!), and immunity from testifying against spouse. The list continues, my friends, but I’m not going to go on ranting about each specific issue because I am sure you are all well aware of how to use Google. According to this report, there are 1,138 benefits provided to married couples that gays and lesbians do not have access to.* Look some of the other issues up yourself. What I want to do now is propose to you my plan. It’s a plan that no one will actually listen to and will probably never occur in the United States, but I’m going to tell you regardless because I have a big head and believe that somewhere, out there, someone actually cares.

It’s really quite simple, if you want your union to be recognized under God, get married in a church (or wherever, dependent upon your religion of choice). If your religion does not accept you for who you are, well, all I can say is balls, it sucks to be you, too. Now, if you want your union to be recognized by the government, get a civil union. That goes for both heterosexuals and homosexuals my friends. If you want to be able to visit your partner in the hospital while she’s bleeding from her head, lying there unconscious before you with mere hours before death, make sure you make a stop at city hall. If you want to be recognized under the eyes of God AND the government, go for the package deal, the combo meal of unions, if you will.

What it all boils down to is that I want you to keep church separate from state! We already have problems with the damn Pledge of Allegiance, but that’s just lame poppycock compared to what actually matters, you know, the whole “life and death” thing. That’s right, I said it; it’s pure poppycock. Lesbians and gays are not asking for special rights by asking to have unions; they’re asking for equal rights. Don’t you remember learning about how taboo it was to have someone who was white want to marry someone who was black? And now it’s completely normal. It turns out that blacks and whites can actually raise a family together and not cause the world and/or entire suburb to collapse. Who knew?

I feel before I leave I should ask a question regarding the sanctity of marriage, even though it should be clear that it isn’t marriage I am fighting for. Now, please, explain to me how gays and lesbians are damaging this so-called precious sacrament when the divorce rate in the United States is as high as it is. According to divorceform.org, 43% of marriages have been predicted to end in divorce, but that number was actually increased in 2002 to a whopping 50%! How many of you out there have divorced parents? Hate to tell ya this, but according to Christian doctrine it looks like your parents are going to Hell.** But this, of course, is legal, because, as we all know, not all marriages work out and life in a troubled marriage is more of a hell than life after a divorce. And of course, there are all the celebrities getting married and re-married and then re-married once again. Brad Pitt, I’m looking at you, you sly devil you.

But whatever, right? No one really seems to cares if heterosexuals are breaking the God-given rules, but lord forbid should a loving lesbian couple want to get married and be accepted by society. That sort of love, of course, would simply be madness. We simply can’t have any more love in the world. Much too dangerous.

*Source: http://gaylife.about.com/od/samesexmarriage/a/benefits.htm
**Source: The Bible Matthew 5:32

Liam Reed: 1987 model, runs fairly well, few dents, starts in cold weather, no baggage, loves flea markets and canned soup. Send all hate mail, love mail, and sexual advances to withtongue@gmail.com