I met yesterday with one of the associate directors of Illinois Business Consulting, a not-for-profit, student-run management consulting organization. As a BA:Entrepreneurship major, management consulting is my most likely “fresh-out-of-the-ivory-tower” career option.

Here’s why that’s hilarious. When I graduate in May, I’ll be a month shy of 21 years old, and I’ll be hired to tell people with 20 years of industry experience how to do their jobs.

Consulting is really (ahem) the application of algorithmic research patterns by an objective party to identify and implement best practices and strategies. So the final deliverable (fancy word for “what they pay you for”) could just be a powerpoint with a slide that says:

“The increase in Cost Of Goods Sold is symptomatic of increased bargaining power of suppliers caused by consolidation. I recommend a two-pronged response of product diversification and vertical integration of production and marketing processes.”

And what’s truly ridiculous is this: did that sound like bullshit to you?

That was all completely fucking legitimate management consulting advice.

What do you need for this lucrative field? An entrepreneurial focus…exposure to various corporate structures, environments, and industries…some formal business education…strong communication and research skills…a particularly strong ability for creative problem solving and abstract concepts, etc.

And what occurred to me as I read that description researching for this IBC thing, was this: “Holy Shit. That’s me.”

When I was seven I wanted to be a paleontologist. Because I thought dinosaurs were badass (I was a pretty perceptive seven year old). But it’s not like I really knew what it would be like to do that for a living. It’s a childhood fantasy because, as a child, you don’t have to think about the reality of the profession.

The truth is, it wasn’t until the last few months that I ever thought about any career without it being some variation of that childhood fantasy. Now I’ve identified a real career option that I’m being prepared for, I’m qualified to do it, and most importantly, even knowing the day-to-day reality of what the job will be like and having had real work experience in it, I actually want to do it.

And they’re going to PAY me for it. How cool is that?

I have two jobs right now, and working part time at two jobs is actually more work than working full time at one. So I have a ridiculous schedule currently. When you’re asleep; fast, fast asleep, so deeply asleep that you actually start to have dreams about really great naps; I’ve already had my third cup of coffee on my way to my first job. The morning job. The 7 am to noon job. Then, at noon I leave to go to the afternoon job: calling people and asking about their health insurance plans.

One moment. I should first say that:

THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED HERE ARE MY OWN AND DO NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS OF PERSONAL CARE.

It turns out that my ridiculous health insurance employer actually put into writing a policy that legally binds me, and that I signed a contract saying I would comply with, about how I would put that disclaimer in a “prominent position” if I chose to “weblog” about my experience as an employee.

I don’t really have anything bad to say about the company, but I feel better having gotten my legal obligation out of the way.

I’ve had lots of jobs, and what’s totally fucked up about the American work ethic is that when you have a job, it binds with your identity. And when you’re my age, you probably have a job that blows, like mine at Personal Care.

I don’t just mean that when I get off work and pick up the phone to call someone, I have to remind myself not to start the call, “Carl Newman, Personal Care.” Although that is sometimes a danger.

I mean that I cold call people and get hung up on for most of the time at that job. It’s dehumanizing. Which is bad. I’m against me not being human (no mean feat, and yet how often I manage to pull it off). And it’s very easy for people to get a call from a (shudder) health insurance company and get a little nasty with me. I don’t take it personally, but I feel bad for people who feel the need to be bastards to me. It’s not healthy for them.

So I had to quit that job because it made me feel less human. I suggest you do the same, if you can afford to. On the other hand, Personal Care paid me $12/hr, and I know kids my age that would beat kittens with tire irons for that kind of money. So if you’re in the market, and you think your soul can stand the beating, there’s an opening for you down on Neil St.

I started my summer yesterday, and by that I mean I went to two different jobs. Hurray for school being over.

This morning I accepted a second internship which means I’ll be staying here for my wild and crazy summer of working 45 hours a week.

Which means I have to buy a car.

I was in a strange mood last night, because I started reflecting on the last year of my life. and I realized that I was no closer to accomplishing anything in my life than I was a year ago. Sure I’d knocked off another year of college, but it was pretty easy, so it didn’t feel like I did much. It was a little sad.

And then we had a big damn party, which reminded me about the things I did do this year. Which was have a lot of fun. And that doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. Laughter and dancing doesn’t really add up easily. But that’s basically what I did all year, and it took a little “Wolf Like Me,” to remember that.

Especially today when I realized I was going to be working full time for the next three months, probably hanging onto one of the internships into/through next year, buying my first car, being an adult, etc.

So all I did all year was fuck around, to be blunt. But that’s what college is for, I guess. And I won’t be able to live like this much longer, if ever again.

You’re only young once, I guess.

This weeks installment:

Business Core Requirements, or W.A.T.B.S. (We All Take Bull Shit)

To major in business at the University of Illinois (which is like, a big fucking deal, apparently), there are a certain number of classes that you must take regardless of your major in order to graduate. These classes are called the “Business Core Requirements.” Many of them are “survey” courses, which means “like the first two weeks of the grad school class where you actually learn this topic.”

I recently read something very funny over at McSweeney’s which was a bunch of movies rewritten in three lines or less. I will do the same here for the business core classes I have taken:

Econ 102 w/ Fred Gottheil : Fishing, tongue cluck, tongue cluck, fall asleep, TA without English, fishing, tongue cluck, Canada.

Econ 103 w/ Joe Petry: (No description possible. Joe Petry’s voice put everyone to sleep)

Econ 203 : Same as above.

CS 105: Everything you need to know about computer programming (in 1987).

Stat 100: Took it in high school AP MUTHA FUCKA!

Math 220 (Calculus?): Same as above. But cooler.

Fin 221 w/ Mike Dyer: Money is important, and Mike Dyer is the Santa Claus of the college of business. Also, Dyer’s name puts the Zepplin song, “D’yer Maker” in my head. (What, you don’t like Zep?)

Math 125 w/ Tom Carty: Tom Carty is part Jesus (if he’d gained a little weight in his early 40’s) and part Penn, from Penn & Teller. Actually, Just Penn. Also, matricies.

Intro to Public Speaking: Who care’s if you’ve performed in front of more than 10,000 people, Carl? How well can you write a fucking outline?

Legal Environment of Business: I actually learned things about Law. Unfortunately, the tests for the class had little to do with law. Much more to do with academic articles the John Kindt wrote himself.

Accounting 201 and 202: You need to have an accountant, but you don’t want to be one.

Special Mentions:

Intermediate Economic Theory: I loved this class and thought it was completely fascinating. I have nothing bad to say about it. Way to go.

Management and Organizational Behavior: I can’t put this class into three lines or less. First of all, like most classes that blow hardcore (and not in a good, deepthroat, kind of way) it’s enormous. I don’t think anyone can learn anything when there are more than, say, 500 other people around. Except that Donald Trump stole your money at the Learning Annex. Secondly, a good portion of the lecture is movie clips. Of course, I miss them, because I’m busy watching Deadwood on DVD. Or blogging (my readers come first). Lastly, this class is a collection of business buzzwords like “flat structure,” “transformational leadership,” and “management by context.” Of course, without real instruction on WHAT THE FUCK THOSE THINGS ARE. Here’s a real practice test question:

1. All of the following are types of departmentalization, EXCEPT:
a. Customer
b. Product
c. Structural
d. Regional

Now you might not know the answer to this if you aren’t a business student (it’s “structural”), but suffice it to say the question is basically a congress of four vocab words. This is what I commonly refer to as “busy work” or “things I stopped doing when I turned 12.”

Sounds like a bunch of bullshit?

The average starting salary for graduates with my major went up to $42,000 last year.