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I’m Not Good Enough For Stuff White People Like, or But I Guess I’m Good Enough For You

posted by Carl Newman at 12:09 pm.

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I entered into Stuff White People Like’s recent contest of writing your own SWPL entry, but I didn’t win. The bastards. (White people like to be exclusionary). If you don’t know the site, go check it out. But if you don’t what’s wrong with you? It’s the number one blog on the internet ever. Anyways, here is my losing entry for your pleasure.

Stuff White People Like:

Whining About The Treatment of Native Americans
(But only the stuff that happened more than a century ago).

If there’s one thing white people love, it’s whining about how terrible colonial Americans treated the Indians, who white people would never allow you to call “Indians.” They prefer the term “Native Americans.” “They” meaning the white people, they have ever actually spoken to, much less asked the preferences of a genuine Indian/Native American.

When white people whine about the systemic destruction of the Indians, they really only harp on the massacres and the whole small-pox-blanket thing. They never complain about the millions of Indians who died because of exposure to European diseases that their immune systems lacked the antibodies to combat.
Because those Indians were killed by the mere presence of white people, and white people refuse to believe they are walking chemical warfare.

A white person’s favorite whipping boy in this area is Mr. 20 dollar bill, Andrew Jackson, because it was during his administration that the Trail of Tears took place. If you hear a white person denouncing Andrew Jackson, they will certainly mention the Trail of Tears in the next breath. Not because they know anything
about either, but because “the Trail of Tears” is the best marketed tragedy in American history, and white people love nothing more than a catchy moniker. If you need said white person’s favor it is important that you DO NOT ASK THEM ANYTHING ABOUT THE TRAIL OF TEARS. They will not know where it started or ended, what tribes it affected, or what year it took place in (an adept white person might be able to guess “the 1800s”). It is imperative that when a white person is getting offended you do not test their knowledge.

The gaping chasm in their Sitting Bullshit is that white people love to attribute the collegiate career of any Native American to nothing except casino money and affirmative action. This is really just a manifestation of the white person’s natural pastime, hypocrisy.

Carl Newman: appreciates when you don't feel like commenting, but still want to tell him what an asshole he is at warriorpoetresponds@gmail.com