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A Funny Proposal, or A Serious Suggestion

posted by Carl Newman at 1:10 pm.

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A big thank you to the DI for their coverage yesterday of the hug in and the attack, and their editorial in today’s opinion section. I’m glad the story got some press, even if it was a little late. Also, thank you to the readers here and everyone who cares enough to take this hate crime seriously. The more I talk to people about this, the more impressed I am with the people who want a response, want to be informed, and want to see something done about it.

I’m still waiting for a response from the university. But I can hear what they’ll say in my head.
ring

Warrior Poet: Hello?

Voice: Carl, this is Richard Herman and Joseph White.

WP: Both of you?

Whitey: Yes. We’re three-waying you.

WP: OK. What’s up?

Dicky: We read your blog about the hate crime.

Whitey: Nice picture on the217 homepage, by the by.

WP: Thanks. That was Roseanne’s doing.

Dicky: Score.

Whitey: Anyway, we wanted to talk to you about this “accident.”

Dicky: Yes, this supremely isolated event that didn’t even really happen to a “student.”

WP: Actually, Steven is a student. Although, I haven’t been able to find out if his attacker was too.

Whitey: Alleged attacker, Carl. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

WP: Of course.

Dicky: Now, as you are well aware, the Inclusive Illinois program addresses creating a more tolerant campus.

WP: Like, a hate crime-free campus?

Dicky: Sure, why not.

Whitey: So we wanted to call you to assuage your fears about hate crimes on campus, that may or may not have happened.

Dicky: Joe and I are very concerned about this sort of thing, and we wanted you to know we have it covered.

WP: How? It happened, didn’t it?

Dicky: That’s an interesting point. We’ll have the board of trustees set up a discovery committee to see whether or not this did or didn’t happen, then they can report to the trustees the results of the fact finding commission.

WP: And then campus will be safer, and measures will be put in place to prevent violent crimes in the heart of campus?

Whitey: Well, we do already have the QuadCam. So…

Dicky: And of course, the Champaign Police department.

WP: Yeah, I saw one of them give three guys tickets for jay-walking two days after a student was attacked because his attacker assumed he was gay.

Whitey: See? Crack down on Jaywalking! Wonderful, Isn’t it?

WP: Why don’t you have the student patrol just walk up and down Green St and some nearby cross streets from midnight to 3 AM? They wouldn’t bother the general student population because we know they can’t write tickets. But their presence would deter violent crimes committed against students in the heart of campus. I mean, the program already exists, so it wouldn’t be that hard to redirect those resources to making a safer, hate-crime free campus?

Whitey: The student patrol already has a purpose: Telling people to not have fun too loud.

Dicky: We’d have to set up a committee to form a committee to investigate the need for creating a prototype committee to evaluate the need for a committee to oversee a committee to do that.

WP: So…a massmail in response to the attack and a few empty gestures towards creating a more tolerant campus.

Whitey: Woah, Carl. Those empty gestures already exist. It’s called Inclusive Illinois, remember. We had like, guest speakers and stuff.

Dicky: And we can’t just send out a massmail for everything, Carl. You know I don’t write one for anything less than marginally racist greek parties. Or to tell students that there isn’t a snow day.

Whitey: Yeah, that was a good one.

Dicky: I mean, a massmail to inform students that there was a hate crime on campus and that something is being done to prevent it from happening again? That’s a lot of work. Every time I write a massmail it has to be copy-edited by the entire English department. That’s how they pull their weight.

WP: Adjunct faculty, too?

Whitey: No, they’re not real professors. Or people. They’re like migrant farm workers.

Dicky: And compensated similarly. HIIIIIOOOOO!

WP: So…no response to a hate crime on campus against a student in the LGBT community?

Whitey: We called you, didn’t we?
click

Carl Newman: appreciates when you don't feel like commenting, but still want to tell him what an asshole he is at warriorpoetresponds@gmail.com