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Hey! I’m a woman! Let’s talk about weddings!

posted by mzemait2 at 8:45 am.

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My sister Laura is getting married today. But she has three possible fathers! Oh Mamma Mia!

It is about 8:20 am as I write this, and I can assure you that I’ve already made this exact joke to my family at least 3 times today already. But how can I resist, when a major family event coincides with such a cinematic milestone like a Streep/Brosnan musical?! It’s like, if my dad suddenly carved up my mom’s face with a razor, I’d have to be like, “OMG, this is sooooo Dark Knight!”

I completely despise the fuss, pomp, and circumstance of all weddings, including my sister’s. At the rehearsal dinner last night, I smiled to myself and thought fondly of my future elopement, and the eventual familial disowning that would follow.

I would never dare shit on my sister’s big day with my cynicism though. Just because I’m a weirdo who wants wedding pie and a cult-classic celebrity to officiate my ceremony doesn’t mean I can piss on her parade.

So I put a big smile on my face, wear my black bedazzled “Bridesmaid” t-shirt with pride, and do what all moderately funny people do in these situations: Use humor as a coping mechanism. Hey, if it worked in high school, it’s gotta work for weddings, right?

This is why in the past 3 days, I have insisted to my sister that my gift to her is that I’ve hired a man to object at her wedding. Even if they don’t ask for objections. He’ll just storm in. Because every girl deserves a little bit of cinematic flair on her big day! I’ve given her three choices.

1) A dramatic, The Graduate-esque objection, where the man yells from the choir pit, “Laura, noooooooooooooo!” There’s no glass window overlooking the church, but we can make do. She then retorts “You missed your chance!” and the ceremony resumes. The next day, he kills himself.

2) A comedic, Wedding Crashers style objection, where the man interrupts the wedding to make an impassioned, yet clever speech about how she is making the BIGGEST mistake of her life. He gets into an argument with the groom, and knocks out the groom. My aunt Fran then punches him in the face. The wedding resumes at the emergency room.

3) My personal favorite, the 90’s teen movie objection. It turns out that the man objection isn’t in love with Laura, but instead is an old-friend-turned-enemy of the groom, who chooses this moment to reveal that Matt only dated Laura because of a bet. Through tears, Laura asks, “Is this true, Matt, is this true?!” and Matt softly says, “I went out with you because of the bet…but the true prize was falling in love with you.” They kiss, I start a slow clap, and a ska band starts playing a cover of “I Melt with You” in the choir pit.

And the objector? You guessed it, Neil Patrick Harris, star of Doogie Howser and How I Met Your Mother!

You know what? Screw it. Those are too good. I’m saving them for my wedding.

See you at the open bar.

Mary Zemaitis: I enjoy comedy. And entendres. Sometimes, Triple Entendres.