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The I-Book Ain’t Got Nothing on This List!

posted by mzemait2 at 10:32 am.

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Every year, the I-book contains a list of things you should do before you graduate. I’m all for making bucket lists, but this one is rather unadventurous and prepares U of I students for four, fun, fulfilling years of living in Hendrick House and playing World of Warcraft every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night (no offense to anyone who matches these characteristics — I’ve met some lovely chemical engineers who lived there that could actually carry on a conversation, though I have yet to determine if they could write anything other than a lab report).

Here are some of the gems from the I-book list:

“Take a trip to Meijer at 2 am.”

Wait a minute, is the I-book encouraging me to buy economy-sized containers of Kraft Mac and Cheese after the bars get out? Or, are they suggesting that this could be the highlight of my weekend? Clearly, if you are doing college correctly, you should not be at the legal level of sobriety to drive to Meijer at this time. No thanks, I-book. I’ll be at Murphy’s.

“Attend a lecture of a class you are not in.”

What the fuck?! This has got to be the stupidest suggestion on the whole list. It’s a perpetual struggle for students to make it to their 1 pm lecture (probably because they were at Murphy’s the night before), so why would they dare go to a class that they ain’t getting credit for?

Take it from a recent college grad currently stuck in C-U summer limbo — make it a point to leave college having taken advantage of this campus and what it has to offer. More importantly, take advantage of being a college student. Make sure to revel in the things that you can really only do as a college student. Let’s face it. Celebrating Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day in a non-college town would be provocation for an intervention. There are truly some things that you can only get away with while attaining The New High School Diploma (aka, your Bachelor’s Degree). I’ve thought about my own personal College Bucket List, and gathered a few pearls of college revelry from my friends, and compiled it into (drum roll, please)…

Triple Entendre Presents: Shit Ya Gotta Do in C-U

1. Streak the Quad. This was the number one thing I had to cross off my own personal list, and I’m proud to say that I did, right before finals started. Granted, it’s very stereotypical and cliched, but so is binge-drinking when you’re in college, stop pretending you’re original and take your pants off, drunky. Plus, with the creation of the Quad Cam, this quintessential college tradition has an extra edge of taboo when you know that Ground South of Allen Hall might be gathered around a computer watching you and your friends’ naughty bits bob on the Quad (which I’m also pretty sure happened the night I did it).

2. Study Abroad. Your college career is the only time in your life that you will be able to get loan money from the government to make friends from the Czech Republic. It’s awesome. In addition to making you a more worldly, independent individual, studying abroad gives you amusing anecdotes that entertain attractive members of the opposite sex (or same sex). If you can’t fit a study abroad program into your academic career (which you probably can, if you aren’t lazy and plan ahead), be sure to at least travel abroad. We all love Champaign-Urbana, but there are wonderful things beyond these cornfields.

3. Have a hangover. It’s simply a rite of passage, according to my friend Dave, and makes you truly understand the drinking process. It will also make you a more sympathetic friend. I never used to understand what my friends were talking about until the day after my 21st birthday, and boy howdy, now I don’t tease them for drinking an economy-sized jug of Gatorade the morning after. I tell them to pass it.

4. Have your heart broken. This one comes from my friend Alison, who says you’ll become a wiser, stronger person as a result. Very true.

5. Don’t have regrets. But do, however, do something that will make you cringe in retrospect. Trust me, there’s a difference. If you haven’t done something that your friends will mercilessly tease you about until the end of time, start your undergrad again.

6. Stay in C-U for a summer. Ya gotta see the world, but sometimes you just gotta stay put. Spending a summer on campus is a unique experience that makes you appreciate this town. The town slows down a lot, but in a good way. You will get incredibly close to your fellow campus-dwellers at a break-neck speed. Bonus: You actually get to have sober conversations with your friends.

7. Kiss everyone in the room at a party. New Year’s Eve doesn’t count. This one could also be rephrased as “Get mono by doing something funny.”

8. Go see a student theater show. Then go to the after-party. Penny Dreadful Players, New Revels, What You Will, Armory Free, Fishing with Dynamite, Potted Meat, Debono, Spicy Clamato, Other Other Guys. There is an amazing creative culture on this campus of young people trying to make a little art. Explore it. This also allows you to go to their after-parties, as going to the parties without seeing the show is considered a big d-bag move. And let me tell you, there are no crazier parties than a group of people coming off a performance high while suddenly realizing that they won’t get to see each other at rehearsal every day. This will help you achieve number 7. Also, take this a step further and audition for one of these groups.

9. Have a truly epic adventure. Not involving alcohol. Everyone has hilarious drunk stories, and we all love to hear them, but ya gotta do something outside the college box. For instance, my friend Dave went on a bike ride…to Bloomington. Completing number 2 on the list will also help you achieve this. One of my personal favorite stories to tell is how I accidentally ended up in Hamburg, Germany.

10. Drink a good beer. Yes, yes, at the rate and volume at which college students drink, we must normally subside on an alcoholic diet of Keystone Light. However, from time to time, remember that in the real world, alcohol is meant to be enjoyed, not binged. Take a night where you buy a pricier beer, or according to my friend Dave, spend a night where money is no option. For those of you who don’t drink beer, interpret this number as “Learn to appreciate beer, you wussy.”

11. Memorize a bar special. The point is not the drinking of the bar special. The point is that you create a tradition with a group of usual suspects (aka, your friends). For the past two years, I’ve been going to Murphy’s on Wednesdays with my friends for our weekly “Logo Lunch,” which consists of bacon cheeseburgers and a Logo Glass beer. When our schedules got messed up, we changed it to Logo Dinner so everyone could still partake. And you bet yer britches I’m going there today.

12. Wake up in a bed that is not yours. And remember: It’s not the “walk of shame.” It’s the “stride of pride.” You just woke up in some one else’s bed, have a little self-respect!

13. Go on a barcrawl. People never do this in the real world, which means you must do it before you graduate. I only recently when on my first barcrawl, The Jessica Barcrawl Birthday Barcrawl (not a typo). It’s a very different experience from spending a long night sitting around at Murphy’s. Not only is it fun to run around campustown with your friends, but you also get to tour and experience the many fine (and janky) campus bars. You get to develop a finer appreciation for Murphy’s, lemme tell ya.

14. Spend an afternoon on the Quad. It is essential to one’s mental health to sit on the Quad, doing nothing and shooting the breeze. If that gets tiresome, break out the frisbee and hackysack for some more cliched college behavior. The Quad is the living, breathing microcosm of our college society.

15. Spend a night not drinking with your drinking buddies. I know, I know, we are college students, and we love to get schwasted, I know. But friendships based on seeing one another only when sauced is a superficial friendship indeed. These people are called “acquaintances.” Your true friends are the ones you can tolerate while sober. So hang up your drinking hat every so often, head over to Perkins, and spend an evening catching up. To paraphrase something my friend Carl once told me, it’s not the crazy drunken times you’ll remember forever, but the quiet sober ones that will last with you forever.

At least remember this: College is all about becoming a more interesting “Never Have I Ever” player.

What would you add to this list?

Mary Zemaitis: I enjoy comedy. And entendres. Sometimes, Triple Entendres.