Jun
18
2008

Let Them Eat Cake … and Don’t Forget to Tip the Bartender!

posted by mzemait2 at 3:09 pm.

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This past weekend I went to a wedding for my good friends Darwin and Jess. You could tell it was a wedding for two people fresh out of college because when the Best Man gave his toast, my table of college friends lifted up our glasses of champagne and yelled “SOCIAL!” I wish I were joking. I also realized that I’m at the age where being single legitimately makes me feel awkward during slow dances. But all in all, the wedding was a gay affair (I mean happy, not the unholy, illegal union of homosexuals) with lots of dancing and way too much delicious food. The groom also led us in a rousing rendition of The Safety Dance.

The whole evening got me thinking about marriage in general. I think with all the debate in recent years about the meaning of marriage, gay marriage, sanctity, etc, I have to get a very important opinion off my chest.

I want to have wedding pie.

No wait! Even better: wedding pie. With the option of a wedding make-your-own-sundae bar.

I feel cakes are an inferior food to pie. Nay, an inferior food to all desserts. I cannot recall a single time I have eaten cake and thought “Oh yeah boy, that hit the spot. Oh man, was that a satisfying sweet treat, and I would never have wanted to eat anything else at this point in history.” The frosting is always too much and too sweet. And the actual cake part is like eating a decomposing sponge. And don’t even get me started on ice cream cake! It’s as if scientists gathered around one day and thought “Hey, what would happen if we took one really awesome food, and one really terrible one, and combined them and served them at kids’ birthday parties?! We could ruin both foods! Brilliant! Now let’s go invent AIDS!”

Does anyone ever even look forward to eating wedding cake? No. You look forward to steak and an open bar (tragically, an open steak bar has not been developed yet).

I don’t even know if I ever want to get married. If I do, I’d much rather hurry off to city hall, and then have a big blow-out with my friends and family (I hate the muss and fuss of planning big events, but this way, I still get presents). Regardless, I still strongly believe that pie is a much more appropriate and symbolic wedding desert. It’s warm. Sweet, yet fulfilling. Something substantial that will keep you going. It is culinary love for your belly. You pair pie with a make-your-own-sundae bar, well you are setting yourself up for an exciting lifetime of loving and delicious commitment. I have no idea why people continue to serve cake at their wedding receptions. Wedding cake is a superficial, fussy, ornate dessert that is mainly for show and people do it just because they think they should, but when you get down to it, it is an unnecessary, outdated tradition that just leaves your stomach feeling empty.

Ohhhhh. THAT’S why they serve it at weddings!

The only cake I would ever want

If my husband really wanted to have a cake, I would compromise and choose this one. And let’s face it, if I’m getting married, it’s to a guy that wants a Nintendo cake. Girl’s gotta have her standards.

Mary Zemaitis: I enjoy comedy. And entendres. Sometimes, Triple Entendres.

Comments

Christina (Christina) says:
(Posted June 18th, 2008 at 9:06 pm)

That is the most awesome cake. EVER.

Sarah (Sarah) says:
(Posted June 18th, 2008 at 11:25 pm)

Here, Here Mary Z. WEDDING PIE FOR EVERYONE

Liam Reed (Liam Reed) says:
(Posted June 19th, 2008 at 7:02 am)

Mary, who do you think is baking these highly elaborate cakes? The gays, Mary. The gays. I think it’s clear who we need to do away with. Maybe with the elimination of gays (I will refer to it as The Solution from hereon) our loving heterosexual marriages will return to the level of sanctity at which they once were.

I could go for some steak.

Amy (Amy) says:
(Posted June 19th, 2008 at 5:46 pm)

Since when do you like Mario?

SOCIAL!

Alyssa Nancy (Alyssa Nancy) says:
(Posted June 22nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm)

Write more blogs.

Your thoughts intrigue me.

Christina (Christina) says:
(Posted June 23rd, 2008 at 1:39 pm)

So I forwarded this to a friend, because I thought it was hilarious, and he said, “OMG. That is the luckiest guy ever” referring to the guy that married you. :P

Tom S. (Tom S.) says:
(Posted July 2nd, 2008 at 11:01 am)

Ah, Mary, Mary. Up ’til now I thought we were perfect for each other, but see, I’m a Sega man at heart. It’s not you, it’s me and my early 90s console fanboyism. I hope you understand.

Phine (Phine) says:
(Posted July 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm)

Gah, you’re so right about cake! ‘Tis indeed inferior to pie. And as for weddings, my big move away from tradition would be to have a big bouncy room/house/castle/thing at the reception. (You know, those inflatable things that every kid always looked forward to at a fair, elbowing each other in the eyes.) Preferably a big fancy reception hall where the snobby waiters look down upon this bouncy house o’ fun. I told my mom about the bouncy goodness. She almost cried. =)

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