Jun
6
2008

Secrets secrets are no fun…but they CAN be rather embarrassing!

posted by mzemait2 at 11:46 am.

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I don’t have a driver’s license.

How’s that? I thought long and hard about how I could open this post to have correct level of pizazz and ska-doosh in introducing today’s topic. I thought I could maybe ease into it. Something like “Hey, how’s your day going, reader? Oh, awesome, I think I might chill on the quad and play acoustic guitar with my friends and watch people do that weird slack-lining thing in between trees. Oh, by the way, I’m going to start to learn how to drive today and I’m more frightened than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”

But I figured the direct approach would be best.

It’s true. This is my deep, dark secret. The one thing that I’m truly ashamed of in my life. The only people that know this terrible truth are my close circle of friends. Normally, I wait until people have grown fond of me before I reveal that I’m a total loser, but I wanted to start our blogger/reader relationship with some honesty and cripplingly embarrassing secrets. That’s normal for a third date, right?

Right?

RIGHT?

When my friends randomly bring it up in conversation, I get really angry and defensive. There is nothing more embarrassing for a 21-year-old woah-man than to have it revealed that she doesn’t have a driver’s license. It’s even more embarrassing for a 21-year-old feminist to admit that she follows certain stereotypes concerning women and driving. It’s kind of like coming out of the closet. The Pedestrian Closet. Except, when you come out of it, there’s none of the fun minority-oppression-street-cred. Just incredulity.

At one point, I got so sick of explaining this to people, that I started lying about why I didn’t have my license.

“Um…you might not believe this because I’ve changed a lot…but when my friends and I were 14…we stole a car.”

“REALLY?!”

“No, you ass. I failed the driving portion of Behind the Wheel in school. Now shut the fuck up and get me a whiskey and diet coke — they’re on special tonight.”

Failing this test, as puss-tastic as this may sound, was pretty traumatizing. Especially since it happened on my birthday. Ouch. As a result, I’ve never driven a car since. EVER. That was 5 years ago. Because I was scared, plain and simple. And instead of woah-manning up and getting my license, I chose to be a loser who had to constantly bum rides from friends and family.

That all ends today.

I am going to drive a car. I am determined to get my license this summer.

Because I’m not afraid anymore.

Wait. Yes, I am. Completely terrified.

But for once in my life, I’m not going to let that stop me.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

britney.jpg

What can I say? She shouldn’t have made fun of me.

Mary Zemaitis: I enjoy comedy. And entendres. Sometimes, Triple Entendres.

Comments

Elle (Elle) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 1:02 pm)

your face is going to be on the front page at 6 pm. watch out, everyone.

Carl Newman (Carl Newman) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 2:14 pm)

You’re right. That is puss-tastic.

Sidenote for Elle: I remember when I was the new blogger on the digital block, and I was on the front page all the time. Those were the days, huh?

Mary Z (Mary Z) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 2:52 pm)

Awwww, Carl’s feeling ignored.

*pats head and pinches cheek*

How cute!

Sarah (Sarah) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 3:11 pm)

I have a license and am a sub-par driver. Don’t fret, lil Mare Bear. You are not a loser because you don’t have a license…you are a loser because of so many other things.

Amy (Amy) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 3:20 pm)

SOMEONE CUT THE BRAKES!!!!

Mary Z (Mary Z) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 3:27 pm)

I just LOL’d a little bit Amy. I was almost going to include that moment in the blog, but I couldn’t figure out where to put it (that’s what she said).

Jon Hansen (Jon Hansen) says:
(Posted June 6th, 2008 at 7:18 pm)

When was that picture taken?

Mary Z (Mary Z) says:
(Posted June 7th, 2008 at 3:00 am)

A year ago, over spring break.

I look completely different.

elle (elle) says:
(Posted June 8th, 2008 at 9:40 pm)

yeah you’re old balls now.

carl, you were young and exciting then. not anymore. you’ve become crusty and boring. get out!

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