Dear Straight People(and those who know nothing about the LGBT community),

I hope all is going well with being heterosexual. Judging from the portrayals in the movies, the songs written about your love, and the interactions I’ve had with you all, heterosexuality seems pretty amazing. You may remember me as a participant in the panels of your human sexuality classes that dedicate one week or so to discuss the intricacies of Queer sexuality. Now, in the time that I have participated in those panels I have been asked a variety of questions ranging from sex to family to work. As a result of getting the same questions over and over again, I decided to compose this list of 10 FAQ for easy access to answers for common questions. There are obviously more questions I could answer but I am in no condition to answer all gabillion of them. You may hear about such a condition in a future letter titled How the Hell Can College Students Party This Much and Not Spontaneously Combust.

Do not feel embarrassed of your questions/curiosity. I would much rather have you ask them then bask in the blood-red sun of Ignorance. Feel free to offer this ever so loving letter to those in the Queer community as well. Though some of us identify within the community, these answers aren’t exactly common sense and our experiences are all different. I wish to remind everyone (ESPECIALLY straight people) that my “expertise” is limited considering that all the knowledge that I have acquired derives from my own experiences. In no order of importance, here they be!

1.Do you want a family? If so, how will you recruit…I mean…produce children?
Unfortunately, we cannot recruit anyone to become Queer. Otherwise, I would be sleeping with hella more people. Also, not everyone wants a family. In heteronormative society (American society in particular), it is almost a right of passage to get married, buy a house, and produce ungrateful offspring. I personally don’t want children. I may change my mind at a later point in Life, but I don’t even know how to properly grocery shop for myself. For those who do want children, we can adopt in some states, get a surrogate mother, or have really awkward sex with another Queer or straight person of the opposite sex.

2.What’s the difference between a gay person who happens to be white and a gay person who happens to be of color?
A lot. Let me put it in straight terms. This may be shocking for some of you but a white heterosexual individual is different from a Latino heterosexual individual. Culture, history, and a whole poopload of other important things factor into the equation. It’s no different with Queer people. There IS racism in the community because racism is everywhere! Think about the media. Queer people have just recently started getting representation in the media. Though not all of it is very positive, it’s representation nonetheless. Now try to count and compare how many of those Queer representations included people of color. I rest my case.

3.Did you sleep with someone of the opposite sex before you realized you were gay?
I’ll answer this with a series of question. Did you sleep with someone of the opposite sex before you realized you were straight? Were you an asexual being before you finally had sex? Is being heterosexual only about sex? Can heterosexuals form emotional, intellectual, etc. bonds with those of the opposite sex? I will say that people come out to themselves at different points of their lives. Some didn’t realize they were gay until they married and had kids.

4.Should every gay person come out?
Tough question. In a perfect bizarro world, we wouldn’t have to come out because no one would immediately assume anyone else’s sexual orientation as straight (p.s.-That’s called heterosexism). In some cases, it would do more harm than good to come out. This, however, does not immediately mean that those in the closet aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality. For example, it probably would be best for a Queer college student who must depend on her/his uber-conservative parents to help fund her/his college education to remain in the closet.

I think this is a perfect time to remind everyone that when someone comes out, it is not a HUGE event that never happens again. Queer individuals must come out repeatedly because we are always meeting new people in work, play, school, etc. That being said, it is important for people to come out. Why? We need more faces out there. I am a firm believer that if an ignorant individual meets severalQueer people, he/she is less likely to maintain the same level of ignorance. I think it’s important that they meet several Queer people because human beings have a habit of generalizing an entire community based on an experience with one person from the community. I guess the answer to this question in a nutshell would be that it depends on the individual’s circumstances.

5.Why do you use a parade that is supposed to celebrate your community to practice deviant behavior?
I once heard someone explain it like this: If you are part of a community that has been ostracized because of their sexual orientation, wouldn’t you want to celebrate with your community by engaging/mocking the activities that have differentiated you from others?

6.So who is the “man” and the “woman” in your relationships?
This is a question that’s more about gender than sexual orientation specifically. Then again, they cannot be completely separated. This question is also mostly about power for it is implied that the “man” in a straight relationship is the “aggressive and decisive” one while the “woman” is the “submissive and gentle” one. Power dynamics in Queer relationships are a bit more fluid than that. Sure, there are some that may resemble the power dynamics of some straight relationships, but they’re usually pretty aware of them. As a matter of fact, for some people, being dominated is sexy. But that’s a conversation for another post…

7.Why do you need to have your own bars? That sounds like segregation to me.
Gay bars are a way for Queer people to meet and talk. In some cases, that’s all the Queer community has. I feel that so many of us who attend U of I have been spoiled because we come from areas close to Chicago. Queer people have gay bars so that we can be ourselves. We can hit on someone who we may or may not be interested in and there is less of a chance of getting our asses whooped for doing so. Heterosexual flirting, however, is usually permitted no matter where you go.

Here’s a little something that should entertain and maybe educate, too!

8.I kissed a girl/boy last night when I hooked up with my abusive boyfriend, Jose Cuervo. Does this make me gay or bisexual?
This is one of my favorite annoying questions. Just kissing (or doing any act) with someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean you’re now suddenly Queer. It just makes you a whore (joking!). Of course, you can blame your sexy new experience on your alcohol problem all you want but there is a lot more that goes into being Queer than just sleeping with people of the same sex. There are emotional/psychological/lots of other bullshit components that go along with it. Is kissing this one person while you were supposedly really drunk enough to question your whole sexual identity? I think the real question is did you like it that much?

9.I don’t hate anyone; it just bothers me when you all go out and flaunt your sexuality by making out in front of my family. How can I be homophobic?
Though I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I would agree that you may not be homophobic. You’re heterosexist. It’s one thing if you don’t like people being affectionate around you and yours. It’s bogus if you don’t notice/care enough about straight people being affectionate with one another but it gets your briefs in a bunch if Queer people do. To that question, sir and/or madam, I would say that you probably don’t hate Queer people but you definitely don’t respect them nearly as much as straight people.

10.Lesbians just need big, strong penises to insert in their vaginas and gay men just need big, strong vaginas to put their penises in, right?
This is the last time I’m going to tell you I’m not interested in you. Lesbians are not lesbians because they just haven’t found the right man with whom to copulate. The same goes for gay men. As a matter of fact, insinuating that this is the case will only make us gayer. Even if some of us were open to maybe having sex with someone of the opposite sex, the person who asks this question would NOTbe in the running to become America’s Next Top Straight Sex Partner because it’s arrogant. As I said, this is the last time I’m going to tell you this, Derek.

I had one of the most exciting (and exhausting) summers of my life.

As some of you may recall, I was involved in a Quaker internship this summer at Pendle Hill in Pennsylvania. I must say that it really was one of the best spiritual/religious experiences I’ve ever had. I learned about Quakerism in its many forms and branches but I also learned how hard community living really is. Living with other young adults (9 of whom were women and one painfully awkward guy) for 2 months is more difficult than it sounds. I left the program a different person because of my experiences helping inner city Philadelphia kids. If you want more details, I’d be glad to tell you in person or I can write a separate post. However, this post will focus on the reception I received once I returned to campus and those who may fall into the category of “Spiritual Queers”.

Before I entered college, I caught wind of a global rumor in which Queer people were still actively involved in religious/spiritual activities. Though everyone knows how rocky the relationship between Queer sexuality and religion is, I was shocked to hear that some of the aforementioned Queer people were still practicing the religion in which they were raised AND were out about their sexual identities. As I’ve grown closer to the Quaker faith and reinforced in my Catholic faith, these facts make a little more sense to me now. I spent all last year searching for a religious community to call my own and I’ve finally found one that is as equally open to me as I am to it. Unfortunately, the hesitation some Queer people have regarding sharing their faith or beliefs with others in the LGBT community also makes more sense to me now.

Upon returning to campus I was almost immediately ridiculed. The ridicule came in a variety of interactions and statements from making fun of Quakerism to making fun of any religion. Some have apologized while others feel that they have done nothing wrong. Since then I’ve asked a few Queer people why I received such a reception. One reason that I’ve heard time and time again regarding why so many within the LGBT community are closed to religion and any sign of spirituality is that they’ve been hurt by clergy and devout adherents of various religions. While I sympathize with this excuse, part of me is still hurt. Last Thursday I participated in a panel on religion and Queer sexuality. It was there that I realized that I don’t know how to come out in terms of my public (ish) Queer sexuality and my faith and still feel welcome in the LGBT community. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one to go out and “share” any “Good News” with people. As a matter of fact, I’m rather greedy and selfish with it. The main issue I’m concerned about is whether or not to lie to another Queer/Ally individual if s/he asks what I plan on doing Sunday morning. The honest answer would be “I’m going to a worship service/event” but I have been known to lie and simply say “nothing” or completely bypass the question with “Why? What do you have in mind?”. I’m also very concerned about further ostracizing important and bilingual Queers and allies in our community. I say bilingual because religious/spiritual speech is obviously very different from Queer language and we desperately need people who can navigate both arenas and not get so easily angered with uninformed comments and opinions. Keep in mind that I’m not generalizing all Christian language either. There are some general terms like “Christ” but it just about ends there. Likewise, Jewish terminology is completely different from Muslim terms. I am afraid that we will burn valuable bridges with others who can learn a great deal from us and continue life having known a real live Queer person and not a one-dimensional caricature. The same goes for the Queer community learning a great deal from religious individuals. We need these Queers and allies so that we can progress and actually converse with each other rather than endlessly debate with one another.

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. In fact, there’s definitely a good chance that it will be awkward and progress won’t be immediately visible. But we gotta start somewhere. What better place than in our own community?

Hey everybody!

I just wanted to advertise for a play that I’ll be in this weekend. There are several gay menz in it (and a few ladies I’m questioning) so all the more reason to go! The play is Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing and it goes up Friday and Saturday at 8pm in Greg 112 and Sunday at 2:30p in Greg 112. While there is more of a hetero theme, we gays make it glitter! Tickets are $5 so you can bring a date if you like.

In slightly gayer news:

I know it’s that time of the semester when everyone must do midterm exams and other kinds of ridiculousness. Why not take a break and listen to me (and others, I guess) talk about being Queer and religious. The Home Coming-Out Panel takes place tomorrow at 809 S. 5th Street in Champaign (that’s McKinley Presbyterian). It’s free and there will be refreshments! What better way to hear about my Quaker experiences from the summer than at this super awesome panel?!?!?!

Once I finish with my Much Ado obligations I should have more time write incredibly interesting and witty blogs. I know I said that last time but I wasn’t expecting so many random midterms to come at me. Trust me…I have stories, but you’ll have to wait a few more days to hear them! Here are some teasers for upcoming posts:

Queer and Quaker: Reality Check
Butch,Femme, and Grey Area
and finally…Why I Refuse to Shave My Legs

Here’s another random ass youtube clip to fill the void.