I apologize. I know it’s been a long time since I last posted but I’ve gathered some interesting observations. I will warn you now that I am going to dive into an area of the Queer community that most people probably don’t want me to go. If you are one of those people, I suggestTOO LATE.
Okay. I’ll just say it…people of color are not very popular in the Queer dating scene. While they can fill that best friend category for the Chambana gays, very rarely are they considered attractive. No, I don’t mean attractive as in the “He must have a huge dick” kind of way. I mean the “I like their face/style/essence/THEM” kind of way. Now, I haven’t met every Queer individual person here so I’m obviously not trying to generalize the entire community. However, I have been here long enough to witness a particular “trend” in those who are most often sought after.
I have several Queer Black friends and I’ve seen the same situation happen to each of them again and again.
1.Black Joe/Jane likes Other Race Adam/Anne
2.Black Joe/Jane tells him or her only to discover that the feelings are not reciprocated. However, instead of saying that B.J. is not their (racial/ethnic) type, they say something along the lines of “I’m not interested in a relationship”.
3.Several days/weeks later, it is discovered that Other Race Adam/Anne lied and is now dating White Steve whose personality is half that of B.J.’s.
Though I just fabricated this scenario, it is not entirely fictional. Rather, it is a compilation of events I have witnessed. I want you all to know that this is not the usual voice of Jessica’s stubborn bitterness towards human beings rearing it’s ugly head. It’s what I’ve seen happen to my fellow Queers.
For example, I have a friend who shall be given the fake name of Brian. Brian is a gentleman of color who happens to prefer dating Asian gentlemen. As far as I know, Brian doesn’t necessarily limit himself to Asian men, but he does find them especially attractive. Unfortunately, Asian men don’t really go for Brian because he is Black. How do I know this? They have told him. Therefore, he must watch the Asian men he finds attractive hook up with White men.
I understand that many people have a “type”. I don’t like to admit it, but I know a few types who really get my gears grinding:
For some, their type must include a specific race. Everyone has preferences. I’m aware of this and I accept it. What does bother me is the seemingly apparent avoidance of people of color. From what I’ve witnessed, Black individuals are usually passed over. I shouldn’t expect a unified explanation from the Queer community as to why things seem this way, but I do. I’m not sure if it’s our majority suburban upbringing or American society’s portrayal of beauty. I feel that this topic probably involves other issues such as race relations and possible stereotypes. However, I’m going to be a simpleton. I ask the C-U Queer community whose flag consists of all kinds of colors: Why don’t you seem to like colored/colorful people?
Jessica : Jessica is double majoring in Nerdology and Aesthetics and has a minor headache. She enjoys philosophical discussions and challenging the status quo. Above all else, she wants to hear YOUR story,too!
Comments
Liamz (Liamz) says:
(Posted April 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm)
I think it’s unfair that Brian gets to be interested in someone based on their skin color but the person he likes has to choose whether or not he likes Brian based on personality (rather, not skin color).
I’ve dated a few guys of different colors than my own and I hate that me not liking them is often automatically linked to me being white. There are just some personalities that I would rather have as friends and some personalities I just don’t want in my life at all. I know what I’m looking for in a guy and so far I haven’t met someone “of color” (I hate that phrase) that fits what I feel I want. Do I have to seek someone out who is a different race than I am? It’s hard enough finding a guy with a good personality, let alone find one who’s black Jewish gay left-handed colorblind lactose intolerant diabetic and speaks Klingon (though I’m sure they’re out there).
Jeff Brandt (Jeff Brandt) says:
(Posted April 4th, 2009 at 8:27 pm)
Aww. You’re cute and funny, and I’d totally go on a date with you. I guess that doesn’t help much because you like women and I have a girlfriend.
Nice work on Thursday BTW. Too bad the others actors were kinda dull.
Jess (Jess) says:
(Posted April 5th, 2009 at 10:17 am)
I appreciate all of your comments. Thanks for the compliment, Jeff.
Casey-I am certainly open to the idea that I simply do not know enough Queer people who are open to interracial dating.
Liamz- It’s unfortunate that some automatically link your race with why you weren’t interested in certain men. However, you have tried interracial dating with given individuals and realized that you just weren’t interested in their personalities as much. In my post, I was referencing to those who won’t even entertain the thought of dating outside of their race. I’m sorry if people immediately throw that stack of race cards in your face.Haha!
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted April 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm)
Hmm…I struggle to articulate properly my feelings on the matter because for many in my situation it is an emotional subject.
First, I would say I rarely call people racist for having preferences when it comes to dating. I’ve met several guys who, though they aren’t interested in dating are perfectly kind individuals who simply have a narrowed idea of who they belong with in this world. I can hardly argue or blame them for that, as I have my own preferences and ideas about who I fit with. This is almost more frustrating and I often wish it could be as easy as calling someone racist because at least then they’re just a bad person and I wouldn’t have wanted to date them anyway blah blah blah.
That being said, I have encountered on numerous occasions people who do openly discriminate, stereotype and respond in disgust not only to the idea of dating a black person, but even associating with them socially in a group of people who share the same sexuality. I’m a hopeless romantic and have spent a lot of time trying to find someone I can date or entertain a romantic interest in, and with particular groups of people I have found not a racial preference but a cultural imperative and a general sense that one is too good to be lowered to dating anything but white guys. THAT is what grinds my gears on a regular basis.
Another source of frustration comes when racial discrimination is made based on preconceived notions of cultural compatibility. The first guy I ever kissed told me how he had never been with a black guy before because he always felt that there would be a cultural barrier between us. This is interesting because as a black kid who grew up in the rich white burbs of Chicago I lost a lot of identification with “Black culture.” I’m your stereotypical Oreo, basically. So to think that any number of potential boyfriends were repelled because they thought I came from the ghetto, talk jive, listen to rap and have family dinners that reenact the movie Soul Food, was disturbing. These are of course stereotypes but that’s basically what we’re talking about here and those stereotypes have an impact. What is more troubling is that not only do I lose out on the possibility of romance because people make assumptions about my culture because of my race, but it works in reverse as well. Guys who are attracted to that stereotype will judge from the color of my skin that I fit into it and will get my hopes up by engaging with me and flirting and once we actually have a real conversation they get turned off. So no matter how you slice it I lose and it is emotionally devastating and leaves me with a serious crisis of identity. This is compounded when me and people who share my experiences are ostracized for pointing out what is a flaw in our society and criticized for the resentment we feel towards other members of our community (who are typically white). Or it’s even worse when people try to tell us it’s not as bad as we think…because it is.
So hopefully this explains the plight a little better. Of course these are just my personal experiences. I’m open to anyone who can change my mind though.
Casey (Casey) says:
(Posted April 6th, 2009 at 9:46 pm)
Lyndiddy you articulated yourself very well. I know where you are coming from because I too grew up in an affluent white suburb. I agree that it is very taxing in nearly every sense when you feel you have to prove yourself one way or the other. I definitely feel for you and your experiences with dating or attempting to date thus far.
That being said, to say that a few people’s experiences equals a trend among the queer people of color on this campus does us all an immense disservice. I listed out 37 queer couples with at least one person being a QPOC (queer person of color) to simply point out that we are not just the “best friend” and we are very often seen as attractive. Not exotic. Not a play thing. But truly attractive and worthy of a loving relationship.
I don’t negate you or anyone else’s experiences with dating, or think that your individual experiences are wrong. I do however, have a problem with anyone who attempts to attach a few peoples’ experiences to the entire QPOC community. Stating that one does not want to generalize about an entire community, and then doing just that directly afterwards is hypocritical.
Lyndiddy (Lyndiddy) says:
(Posted April 6th, 2009 at 11:37 pm)
Thanks Casey, though I’ll reitterate that I never once generalized the experiences of other black individuals. I referred to friends who have gone through the same thing, but I never said my experience was that of the entire queer black or QPOC community. When I said “many in my situation” I wasn’t referring to the situation of being black and queer but rather specifically the situation of having felt discriminated against based on race in the realm of dating, which I naturally assume is a situation many other have found themselves in.
I think it’s great how many examples (you included) there are of interracial relationships. My only relationship ever was interracial. So, I don’t mean to deny their existence or possibility.
Jess (Jess) says:
(Posted April 6th, 2009 at 11:58 pm)
Me!- I later realized my various uses of the term “people of color” to predominantly refer to Black individuals. I apologize if this offended you. I will attempt to be more aware in the future.
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Jessica is double majoring in Nerdology and Aesthetics and has a minor headache. She enjoys philosophical discussions and challenging the status quo. Above all else, she wants to hear YOUR story,too!
Casey (Casey) says:
(Posted April 4th, 2009 at 2:55 pm)
Wow. I can see where you are coming from if you are a person of color who is not truly open to dating people outside a certain race and beyond. My experiences with the queer community on this campus have been quite different. The vast majority of the queer people I know are either in, or have been in an interracial relationship.
Here’s a list of U of I’s very own queer couples who are, or were once in interracial relationships. Included in the list are also a few people of color who are in relationships with people of their own race. For privacy reasons, I will only include their first initials, gender, and race.
Starting with my own. I am a black woman dating a Latina woman.
1. A (male/white) and W (male/latino)
2. K (female/black) and S (female/black)
3. V (female/white) and S (female/multi-racial)
4. A (female/latina) and L(female/white)
5. L (female/latina) and V(female/latina)
6. E (male/latino) and J (male/latino)
7. D (female/black) and C (female/multi-racial)
8. K (male/black) and R (male/black)
9. N (female/white) and J (female/multi-racial)
10. L (female/black) and L (female/white)
11. B (female/white) and A (female/latina)
12. T (female/white) and T (female/asian)
13. J (female/latina) and G (female/white)
14. B (male/white) and B (male/black)
15. A (female/latina) and A (female/white)
16. P (female/latina) and T (female/white)
17. A (female/latina) and M (female/white)
18. J (male/latina) and E (male/latino)
19. E (male/latino) and B (male/white)
20. S (female/middle eastern) and M (female/white)
21. E (female/white) and A (female/latina)
22. E (female/white) and A (female/asian)
23. J (male/ white) and W (male/latino)
24. V (female/latina) and K (female/white)
25. L (female/multi-racial) and E (female/white)
26. N (male/asian) and B (male/white)
27. M (female/black) and J (female/black)
28. L (female/black) and R (female/black)
29. A (male/latino) and E (male/latino)
30. J (male/latino) and C (male/white)
31. G (male/asian) and B (male/white)
32. L (male/latino) and R (male/white)
33. L (male/black) and S(male/white)
34. M (male/asian) and F (male/white)
35. C (male/white) and B (male/asian)
36. K (male/black) and X (male/latino)
37. C (female/black) and S (female/multi-racial)
And I’m sure there are a few I missed. I must admit, I have witnessed more women willing to date outside their race than men. I’ve also been on this campus for some time now, but in that time I have been sought after by every race minus Native American (that I know of).
A person’s experiences are what they make it. Those who are willing to branch out will receive positive receptions. The same goes for those in the queer dating world.