Yes, this does come with a disclaimer. Although I do get tired of repeating this, it’s for the best so that people reading my quite fiery blog posts don’t get too offended by my very personal opinions. With the recent loss of Maine as a gay marriage state, I have grown rather disenchanted with marriage. I find that it has become less about preserving the “holy institution” of marriage and more about retaining a HUGE piece of the Privilege Pie of American Society. I fear that I’ll become one of those radical Queers who wish to do away with marriage completely because marriage itself is a state of privilege even within the straight communities. However, I don’t think I’ll completely turn to the sexy dark side of radical Queerness in regards to abolishing marriage because I don’t think America will get rid of marriage. However, I do think the underlying assumptions regarding marriage are a little off. [NEGATIVE NANCY ALERT] I’ve found that some of those wishing to get married think they’ll never fight in a very serious manner because they get along so well already. Many of those I have met who wish to get married don’t fully realize that they decide to be partnered with someone as both continue to grow and develop. This could mean that the personal you married can completely change in a marriage. Also, as nice as children can be, they can be VERY ungrateful for all that you’ve sacrificed to bring them into the world and keep them there. That may hurt even more when you’re Queer and have to use alternative means to have children.

Perhaps the biggest deterrent to my getting married is the kind of obvious social acceptance that comes with it. If you aren’t married after a certain age, there must be something wrong with you because everyone gets married once they hit (insert age here). Marriage is treated like a life marker rather than a decision made by two willing loving individuals: start school, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a fine paying job, meet a nice Significant Other, and get married,etc etc.

While I do realize that I’m quite the pessimist when it comes to marriage, part of me wishes that I could just say that I don’t know what the big deal is and proceed to ride off on my ignorance cloud into the horizon towards Canada, but I was never one to turn off my inner critic. I realize that my situation is different from many of those wishing to tie the knot:
1. As of right now, getting married is not on the top of my list of priorities. I don’t think it will be at the top any time soon, either.
2. I trust my family’s decision regarding whether to pull the plug or not. My wishes are in line with theirs.
3. Taxes will suck the life out of me either way.

However, after being in the LGBTQQA community on campus (and in the wider world) for as long as I have, I realized that everyone’s situation is different. Not everyone has mostly supportive family members like mine. I’ve also learned that it isn’t all about me. There are people who really want to get married to their lovers. There are people out there who want the picket fence and the happy family. Of course, wanting to get married doesn’t necessarily mean that you want the heteronormative lifestyle that has traditionally come with it. Even if you did, who am I to judge your desires? So this raises an interesting question. How do I balance my personal convictions (which MAY change at a later date) with those of the wider community?

Until I can find a more concrete answer other than just “support them” I’ll focus on how adorable Iowa is.

Dear Straight People(and those who know nothing about the LGBT community),

I hope all is going well with being heterosexual. Judging from the portrayals in the movies, the songs written about your love, and the interactions I’ve had with you all, heterosexuality seems pretty amazing. You may remember me as a participant in the panels of your human sexuality classes that dedicate one week or so to discuss the intricacies of Queer sexuality. Now, in the time that I have participated in those panels I have been asked a variety of questions ranging from sex to family to work. As a result of getting the same questions over and over again, I decided to compose this list of 10 FAQ for easy access to answers for common questions. There are obviously more questions I could answer but I am in no condition to answer all gabillion of them. You may hear about such a condition in a future letter titled How the Hell Can College Students Party This Much and Not Spontaneously Combust.

Do not feel embarrassed of your questions/curiosity. I would much rather have you ask them then bask in the blood-red sun of Ignorance. Feel free to offer this ever so loving letter to those in the Queer community as well. Though some of us identify within the community, these answers aren’t exactly common sense and our experiences are all different. I wish to remind everyone (ESPECIALLY straight people) that my “expertise” is limited considering that all the knowledge that I have acquired derives from my own experiences. In no order of importance, here they be!

1.Do you want a family? If so, how will you recruit…I mean…produce children?
Unfortunately, we cannot recruit anyone to become Queer. Otherwise, I would be sleeping with hella more people. Also, not everyone wants a family. In heteronormative society (American society in particular), it is almost a right of passage to get married, buy a house, and produce ungrateful offspring. I personally don’t want children. I may change my mind at a later point in Life, but I don’t even know how to properly grocery shop for myself. For those who do want children, we can adopt in some states, get a surrogate mother, or have really awkward sex with another Queer or straight person of the opposite sex.

2.What’s the difference between a gay person who happens to be white and a gay person who happens to be of color?
A lot. Let me put it in straight terms. This may be shocking for some of you but a white heterosexual individual is different from a Latino heterosexual individual. Culture, history, and a whole poopload of other important things factor into the equation. It’s no different with Queer people. There IS racism in the community because racism is everywhere! Think about the media. Queer people have just recently started getting representation in the media. Though not all of it is very positive, it’s representation nonetheless. Now try to count and compare how many of those Queer representations included people of color. I rest my case.

3.Did you sleep with someone of the opposite sex before you realized you were gay?
I’ll answer this with a series of question. Did you sleep with someone of the opposite sex before you realized you were straight? Were you an asexual being before you finally had sex? Is being heterosexual only about sex? Can heterosexuals form emotional, intellectual, etc. bonds with those of the opposite sex? I will say that people come out to themselves at different points of their lives. Some didn’t realize they were gay until they married and had kids.

4.Should every gay person come out?
Tough question. In a perfect bizarro world, we wouldn’t have to come out because no one would immediately assume anyone else’s sexual orientation as straight (p.s.-That’s called heterosexism). In some cases, it would do more harm than good to come out. This, however, does not immediately mean that those in the closet aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality. For example, it probably would be best for a Queer college student who must depend on her/his uber-conservative parents to help fund her/his college education to remain in the closet.

I think this is a perfect time to remind everyone that when someone comes out, it is not a HUGE event that never happens again. Queer individuals must come out repeatedly because we are always meeting new people in work, play, school, etc. That being said, it is important for people to come out. Why? We need more faces out there. I am a firm believer that if an ignorant individual meets severalQueer people, he/she is less likely to maintain the same level of ignorance. I think it’s important that they meet several Queer people because human beings have a habit of generalizing an entire community based on an experience with one person from the community. I guess the answer to this question in a nutshell would be that it depends on the individual’s circumstances.

5.Why do you use a parade that is supposed to celebrate your community to practice deviant behavior?
I once heard someone explain it like this: If you are part of a community that has been ostracized because of their sexual orientation, wouldn’t you want to celebrate with your community by engaging/mocking the activities that have differentiated you from others?

6.So who is the “man” and the “woman” in your relationships?
This is a question that’s more about gender than sexual orientation specifically. Then again, they cannot be completely separated. This question is also mostly about power for it is implied that the “man” in a straight relationship is the “aggressive and decisive” one while the “woman” is the “submissive and gentle” one. Power dynamics in Queer relationships are a bit more fluid than that. Sure, there are some that may resemble the power dynamics of some straight relationships, but they’re usually pretty aware of them. As a matter of fact, for some people, being dominated is sexy. But that’s a conversation for another post…

7.Why do you need to have your own bars? That sounds like segregation to me.
Gay bars are a way for Queer people to meet and talk. In some cases, that’s all the Queer community has. I feel that so many of us who attend U of I have been spoiled because we come from areas close to Chicago. Queer people have gay bars so that we can be ourselves. We can hit on someone who we may or may not be interested in and there is less of a chance of getting our asses whooped for doing so. Heterosexual flirting, however, is usually permitted no matter where you go.

Here’s a little something that should entertain and maybe educate, too!

8.I kissed a girl/boy last night when I hooked up with my abusive boyfriend, Jose Cuervo. Does this make me gay or bisexual?
This is one of my favorite annoying questions. Just kissing (or doing any act) with someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean you’re now suddenly Queer. It just makes you a whore (joking!). Of course, you can blame your sexy new experience on your alcohol problem all you want but there is a lot more that goes into being Queer than just sleeping with people of the same sex. There are emotional/psychological/lots of other bullshit components that go along with it. Is kissing this one person while you were supposedly really drunk enough to question your whole sexual identity? I think the real question is did you like it that much?

9.I don’t hate anyone; it just bothers me when you all go out and flaunt your sexuality by making out in front of my family. How can I be homophobic?
Though I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I would agree that you may not be homophobic. You’re heterosexist. It’s one thing if you don’t like people being affectionate around you and yours. It’s bogus if you don’t notice/care enough about straight people being affectionate with one another but it gets your briefs in a bunch if Queer people do. To that question, sir and/or madam, I would say that you probably don’t hate Queer people but you definitely don’t respect them nearly as much as straight people.

10.Lesbians just need big, strong penises to insert in their vaginas and gay men just need big, strong vaginas to put their penises in, right?
This is the last time I’m going to tell you I’m not interested in you. Lesbians are not lesbians because they just haven’t found the right man with whom to copulate. The same goes for gay men. As a matter of fact, insinuating that this is the case will only make us gayer. Even if some of us were open to maybe having sex with someone of the opposite sex, the person who asks this question would NOTbe in the running to become America’s Next Top Straight Sex Partner because it’s arrogant. As I said, this is the last time I’m going to tell you this, Derek.

I had one of the most exciting (and exhausting) summers of my life.

As some of you may recall, I was involved in a Quaker internship this summer at Pendle Hill in Pennsylvania. I must say that it really was one of the best spiritual/religious experiences I’ve ever had. I learned about Quakerism in its many forms and branches but I also learned how hard community living really is. Living with other young adults (9 of whom were women and one painfully awkward guy) for 2 months is more difficult than it sounds. I left the program a different person because of my experiences helping inner city Philadelphia kids. If you want more details, I’d be glad to tell you in person or I can write a separate post. However, this post will focus on the reception I received once I returned to campus and those who may fall into the category of “Spiritual Queers”.

Before I entered college, I caught wind of a global rumor in which Queer people were still actively involved in religious/spiritual activities. Though everyone knows how rocky the relationship between Queer sexuality and religion is, I was shocked to hear that some of the aforementioned Queer people were still practicing the religion in which they were raised AND were out about their sexual identities. As I’ve grown closer to the Quaker faith and reinforced in my Catholic faith, these facts make a little more sense to me now. I spent all last year searching for a religious community to call my own and I’ve finally found one that is as equally open to me as I am to it. Unfortunately, the hesitation some Queer people have regarding sharing their faith or beliefs with others in the LGBT community also makes more sense to me now.

Upon returning to campus I was almost immediately ridiculed. The ridicule came in a variety of interactions and statements from making fun of Quakerism to making fun of any religion. Some have apologized while others feel that they have done nothing wrong. Since then I’ve asked a few Queer people why I received such a reception. One reason that I’ve heard time and time again regarding why so many within the LGBT community are closed to religion and any sign of spirituality is that they’ve been hurt by clergy and devout adherents of various religions. While I sympathize with this excuse, part of me is still hurt. Last Thursday I participated in a panel on religion and Queer sexuality. It was there that I realized that I don’t know how to come out in terms of my public (ish) Queer sexuality and my faith and still feel welcome in the LGBT community. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one to go out and “share” any “Good News” with people. As a matter of fact, I’m rather greedy and selfish with it. The main issue I’m concerned about is whether or not to lie to another Queer/Ally individual if s/he asks what I plan on doing Sunday morning. The honest answer would be “I’m going to a worship service/event” but I have been known to lie and simply say “nothing” or completely bypass the question with “Why? What do you have in mind?”. I’m also very concerned about further ostracizing important and bilingual Queers and allies in our community. I say bilingual because religious/spiritual speech is obviously very different from Queer language and we desperately need people who can navigate both arenas and not get so easily angered with uninformed comments and opinions. Keep in mind that I’m not generalizing all Christian language either. There are some general terms like “Christ” but it just about ends there. Likewise, Jewish terminology is completely different from Muslim terms. I am afraid that we will burn valuable bridges with others who can learn a great deal from us and continue life having known a real live Queer person and not a one-dimensional caricature. The same goes for the Queer community learning a great deal from religious individuals. We need these Queers and allies so that we can progress and actually converse with each other rather than endlessly debate with one another.

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. In fact, there’s definitely a good chance that it will be awkward and progress won’t be immediately visible. But we gotta start somewhere. What better place than in our own community?

Hey everybody!

I just wanted to advertise for a play that I’ll be in this weekend. There are several gay menz in it (and a few ladies I’m questioning) so all the more reason to go! The play is Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing and it goes up Friday and Saturday at 8pm in Greg 112 and Sunday at 2:30p in Greg 112. While there is more of a hetero theme, we gays make it glitter! Tickets are $5 so you can bring a date if you like.

In slightly gayer news:

I know it’s that time of the semester when everyone must do midterm exams and other kinds of ridiculousness. Why not take a break and listen to me (and others, I guess) talk about being Queer and religious. The Home Coming-Out Panel takes place tomorrow at 809 S. 5th Street in Champaign (that’s McKinley Presbyterian). It’s free and there will be refreshments! What better way to hear about my Quaker experiences from the summer than at this super awesome panel?!?!?!

Once I finish with my Much Ado obligations I should have more time write incredibly interesting and witty blogs. I know I said that last time but I wasn’t expecting so many random midterms to come at me. Trust me…I have stories, but you’ll have to wait a few more days to hear them! Here are some teasers for upcoming posts:

Queer and Quaker: Reality Check
Butch,Femme, and Grey Area
and finally…Why I Refuse to Shave My Legs

Here’s another random ass youtube clip to fill the void.

Hello, my lovelies!

It’s been far too long since I’ve updated this blog. I’ve had a lot to juggle including major transfer request applications, a relative’s death, a new apartment, and having absolutely nothing worth blogging about. However, as I promised you all, I will post about my Quaker summer experience soon. I will also blog about the sex that I’m not having and my judgments on the sex of others. Until I have all the time that I need/ want, here are some random bits of crap that will hopefully distract you from how little love I’ve shown you. Without further adieu:

Here’s a sexy ass remix of a popular song

An infomercial made by someone who reads my mind

And….a music video I found by accident while at Pendle Hill

I had the most interesting dream last night. It involved my fake-named friends Linus, Lucy, and Betty. In this dream (as well as in real life) Betty has a thing for Linus. However, Linus is coupled with Lucy and may simply enjoy being affectionate with friends. Lucy is oblivious to it all until she sees Linus and Betty holding hands as they enter a grocery store. Lucy, some other friends, and I are in a car when Lucy demands that we enter the grocery store in an effort to confront Linus and Lucy. Keep in mind, though Betty and Linus are only holding hands, there is a feeling that something more is going on between them.

Anyway, right before the huge confrontation, I find Betty, take her face in my hands and ask what the hell she was thinking. Her answer didn’t make sense (and I don’t remember it) so I run away and search for a cake. I’m assuming that the cake was going to be eaten by me…alone, thus cementing my fear that I may never have sex again because who wants to have sex with Thunderthighs McGee? But I digress.

This dream got me a-thinking. Due to the fact that I am on summer vacation and, therefore, no longer have collegiate stimulation of the intellect, I’m going to run with it. What makes my dream different from the real-life “Linus,” “Lucy,” and “Betty” is that “Betty” says she would never be the “other woman” and break up a relationship. She is not what many of my friends would call a home wrecker. However, I’ve had a few friends who would have little problem with being the “other woman/man” though I doubt they would be so comfortable with the home wrecker title.

Some of my “other woman/man” friends have said that the relationship problems of their secret lover are not his or her concern. Rather, it’s the person’s fault for allowing himself/herself to fall for my friend. Other secret lovers would say that the label of “other” woman/man is only temporary since the coupled lover will soon come to his or her sense and leave his or her girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse. I, on the other hand, am terrified of Karma coming back and kicking my ass. Also, I’ve been the one who has been left for a secret love. Trust me. It’s not fun. So, what’s a Queer Quaker woman of color to do? [I’ll get back to the Quaker addition in a bit.] As little sex as I get, I fear I may actually turn down an opportunity for a relationship with someone who is still coupled with another person. That is, unless, they are in an open relationship or they want a threesome [YUM!] As for those of us who are fine with alternative relationship statuses, please be careful. Karma is a bitch.

Back to the inclusion of Quaker into my identity model. I will be involved in an internship at Pendle Hill. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Pendle Hill, it is a Quaker community center in Pennsylvania. I will be there for 7 weeks which is a huge chunk of my summer. My question to you: How interested would you be in blog posts relating to my experiences there? I promise to not try to convert you or end every post with “Hail Jesus!” or “Be Healed!” I have a feeling that a few lesbians may also be attending and I want to share any life lessons that I may learn with my Chambana homies. Any takers?

I had the wonderful opportunity to watch a straight couple make out at a party this weekend. I know what you’re thinking: Why, Jessica, that is nothing new. I see straight people show affection for each other at every party I go to. What makes this couple so different from the numerous other horny college pairs is that they were getting hot and heavy at a party that consisted mostly of gay males. And they weren’t just kissing either; I’m fairly sure there were a few hand jobs in there as well. Kudos, you two.

Viewing this scene for several hours got me thinking. I found it intriguing that straights could walk into a predominantly gay party, fondle each other in a corner, and be as happy as oversexed clams. However, if two gays walked into a predominantly straight party and did the same, they probably would have been kicked out. If two lesbians did the same, a circle would probably form around them and men would cheer. Hooray!

This weekend was the weekend when my abusive boyfriend, Jose Cuervo, and I hooked up several times. I told him to stay out of my life but he’s a sweet talker and I fell for it again. Needless to say, I made a huge ass out of myself. While I apologized to almost everyone I could remember drunkenly propositioning/fondling, it was only until an hour ago that I realized that they were all straight. Mind you, these were not ordinary straight people. They were straights who seem very comfortable with their sexuality. Though the drunken events of this weekend happened within a particular group, this is nothing new to me. I had a group of friends in high school who were somewhat sexually adventurous. The girls would be fine making out with each other but seemed to be uneasy making out with me for fear of giving me “the wrong impression”. Four years later, the dilemma comes up again.

There seems to be an underlying fear of leading Queers on if they’re invited to a massive make out session hosted by straights. I understand where they are coming from and appreciate their sensitivity to our feelings. However, there are some straights who seem to make things more awkward by assuming that we’ll grow too attached to them because they showed an interest in some way, shape, or form. This may stem from their own uneasiness with their sexuality.

Now, my observances regarding these experiences could be completely wrong. I could very well just be an uber creepy individual who felt it necessary to blame her painfully awkward experiences on the straight population. I accept that. However, their behavior is so foreign to me. One must realize that switching between Queer culture and straight etiquette is exhausting.

Among my gay comrades, there seems to be a kind of forwardness. I’ve always admired that in them. On the other hand, straights have their own way of going about things. The details of those differences will be saved for a later post. Aside from blaming my budding alcoholism, I can only think that my way of going about things is too straightforwardly (is that a word?) Queer. Of course, there is no ONE Queer way to go about flirting, showing affection, or displaying vulnerability. However, the Queer community is often ostracized in society. As a result, most of us are more comfortable with certain kinds of human interactions that straights may find unpleasant. For example, if Tom is interested in John, he may simply go up to John, talk for a bit and ask if he wants to go back to his place. How are they able to do that? When society shuns you because of your sexuality, any chance you get to embrace that part of yourself, you really EMBRACE it. It may not be that easy for everyone but it certainly happens a lot from what I’ve seen. I think that is something that straight people can’t really understand. We don’t flaunt our sexualities at all…at least, no more than straights.

I’m not trying to hate on straights. My straight friends are amazing. But I’ve spent so much of my social time with them this semester (and the past 20 years) that I find myself getting gayer with every passing minute. I suppose I should thank my straight posse for their assistance with my personal growth. Thank you straight people for helping me grow into my Queerness!

In an effort to reach my full Queer woman potential, here’s a Xena music video.

I went home for Easter last weekend after 3 months of separation from my family. I missed them a great deal and, judging from the insistance of my mother and little sister to buy/cook me delicious treasures, they seemed to miss me just as much. Every time I return home to my family, I am reminded of the love between each of its members. Sometimes that love is so encouraging that I question if it is time for me to tell them what I’ve been hiding for so long.

My mother isn’t the type to disown one of her children or cry out to God as to why she has been cursed with a non-heterosexual daughter. In fact, my sister and I are her pride and joy. Unfortunately, she lives through us. However, I still find myself throwing out the idea of telling her or my little sister any time soon. Actually, I’m terrified that she might find this blog by accident. The fear of abandonment and disappointing my family is ever present. This is why I feel that the Day of Silence is important. Whether you choose to be silent that day or not is up to you. The most important thing is that the word gets out. We have all faced the pressure to remain silent about our sexualities whether we realized it or not. It’s important to remind ourselves and others that, although we have made a great deal of progress, we still have quite a way to go.

My family predicament also makes me wonder how much easier it would be if I had gay father(s) or lesbian mother(s). While I am assuming that my situation would be significantly less dramatic if my parent(s) were of the same “persuasion” as I, I can’t help but think that it’s true. As a result, I am a strong supporter of LGBT people adopting/birthing children. Call me biased (and I would completely agree with you) but I think we would make great parents! We are open-minded. Most of us are (pop)culturally aware. What kid wouldn’t want that?! I understand that many LGBT people don’t want to get married/pop out kids and I support that, too. However, we must think of our community at large. I know that it’s easy to forget about the world outside of our Chambana bubble, but let’s not become complacent. As for my brothers and sisters who are forced to be silent, we hear you.

In other news, here are some videos that have kept me sane as the school year draws to a close. The first one relates to the topics discussed; the other is from my not-so-secret stash.

I want to encourage all of the community to support the Hug-In taking place tonight at 10pm on Green Street. The first Hug-In took place last year in response to a hate crime on our campus about which very few people know. The incident received some press coverage: http://illinoishomepage.net/content/fulltext/?cid=12590

Those who wish to participate will meet at 9pm in the LGBT Resource Center Room 323 in the Illini Union.

I apologize. I know it’s been a long time since I last posted but I’ve gathered some interesting observations. I will warn you now that I am going to dive into an area of the Queer community that most people probably don’t want me to go. If you are one of those people, I suggestTOO LATE.

Okay. I’ll just say it…people of color are not very popular in the Queer dating scene. While they can fill that best friend category for the Chambana gays, very rarely are they considered attractive. No, I don’t mean attractive as in the “He must have a huge dick” kind of way. I mean the “I like their face/style/essence/THEM” kind of way. Now, I haven’t met every Queer individual person here so I’m obviously not trying to generalize the entire community. However, I have been here long enough to witness a particular “trend” in those who are most often sought after.

I have several Queer Black friends and I’ve seen the same situation happen to each of them again and again.

1.Black Joe/Jane likes Other Race Adam/Anne
2.Black Joe/Jane tells him or her only to discover that the feelings are not reciprocated. However, instead of saying that B.J. is not their (racial/ethnic) type, they say something along the lines of “I’m not interested in a relationship”.
3.Several days/weeks later, it is discovered that Other Race Adam/Anne lied and is now dating White Steve whose personality is half that of B.J.’s.

Though I just fabricated this scenario, it is not entirely fictional. Rather, it is a compilation of events I have witnessed. I want you all to know that this is not the usual voice of Jessica’s stubborn bitterness towards human beings rearing it’s ugly head. It’s what I’ve seen happen to my fellow Queers.

For example, I have a friend who shall be given the fake name of Brian. Brian is a gentleman of color who happens to prefer dating Asian gentlemen. As far as I know, Brian doesn’t necessarily limit himself to Asian men, but he does find them especially attractive. Unfortunately, Asian men don’t really go for Brian because he is Black. How do I know this? They have told him. Therefore, he must watch the Asian men he finds attractive hook up with White men.

I understand that many people have a “type”. I don’t like to admit it, but I know a few types who really get my gears grinding:

For some, their type must include a specific race. Everyone has preferences. I’m aware of this and I accept it. What does bother me is the seemingly apparent avoidance of people of color. From what I’ve witnessed, Black individuals are usually passed over. I shouldn’t expect a unified explanation from the Queer community as to why things seem this way, but I do. I’m not sure if it’s our majority suburban upbringing or American society’s portrayal of beauty. I feel that this topic probably involves other issues such as race relations and possible stereotypes. However, I’m going to be a simpleton. I ask the C-U Queer community whose flag consists of all kinds of colors: Why don’t you seem to like colored/colorful people?