DISCLAIMER: This blog will feature extreme generalizations AND political bias. Enjoy.

A recent study claims that online porn is purchased more frequently by people in red states.

Although I’m not one to unquestionably believe in the power of statistics, I will go ahead and say it….

OMG THIS IS SHOCKING!

That’s like telling a knock knock joke at a party…

“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“conservativessometimesrepresstheirsexuality”
“conservativessometimesrepresstheirsexualitywho?”

It’s really starting to seem like the Ted Haggards and Mark Foleys of the world should just be up front about their sexuality. They’ll have to pay for less porn that way.

Then again, who would we bleedin’ heart liberals have to ridicule if they didn’t hide this shit?

He’s probably praying that no one would find out that he doesn’t exactly practice what he preaches

Remember the days when a president was inaugurated and actually served as president before people started commenting about the next election?

I don’t.

Instead, I remember the last two elections distinctly.

During the Democratic National Convention in 2004, Barack Obama gave a stirring speech that brought him into the national spotlight. Fairly soon after, he was touted as a possible frontrunner for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2008.

Fast forward to….today. We now have a president with that same name. Weird.

Here we are mere months after the election of our first black president and everyone in the political scene is already making Republican nominations for the next presidential election.

I’m not sure if math is not their strong suit or what but…THE ELECTION IS ALMOST 4 YEARS AWAY.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you may realize that there hasn’t been a big D in the White House since Will Smith released Willenium.

To make a long rant short, give the Democrats their time in the sun. You had yours. For 8 miserable years.

And now….a shirtless picture of Will Smith completely unrelated to mostly everything I just said.

Is it possible to top a year like 2008? We’ve encountered everything from scandal to accidental celebrity deaths. History was made in politics with the presidential election as well as in the NFL with the league’s first ever 0-16 team. Although the recession hit hard, the entertainment industry made a few strides with superhero movies like Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Here’s a recap of what 2009 is up against.

Government officials and celebrities showed their true colors throughout the year. The true criminals and scumbags captured the headlines. Before the Rod Blagojevich controversy, there was Eliot Spitzer and his prostitute (she then made a singing debut out of the exposure). Really though, who cares about “Client #9” and Ashley Alexandra Dupré? Apparently Time believes that was the number one scandal of the year and there was no mention of our governor within the top ten.

O.J. Simpson is finally getting the jail sentence many believe he deserved years ago. I guess what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas.

The good side of politics came with our new president-elect, Barack Obama. It shows that our nation has finally progressed past racial barriers, and it’s about time.

On a sad note, death was prevalent for the famous in ‘08. The most shocking death of the year came early with Heath Ledger. An accidental drug overdose took the life of an actor that redefined the role of the infamous Joker in The Dark Knight.

Here’s a short list of other celebrities no longer with us: Bettie Page, Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac, Michael Crichton, Charlton Heston, and George Carlin.

History was made within the National Football League. The Patriots were near perfection at the beginning of the year, but the choked in the only game that mattered. At least we can rely on the Detroit Lions to pick us up and set the bar with an NFL record of zero wins and sixteen losses. We may never again see this feat.

Michael Phelps came in a distant second to Detroit with history-making performances. So he won 8 gold medals against the best of the best swimmers in the Olympics. The suit did all of the work anyway. I’m totally kidding, that was the single most impressive athletic accomplishment of the year. The next best athletic achievements came from Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.

The Cubs blew it again…I guess that’s old news though.

Television was entertaining this year. The Office, How I Met Your Mother, and House are still three of the best shows on television. If you haven’t seen Steve Carell’s character Michael Scott on The Office, you’re missing out. Heroes took a fall this past season, but still a decent show if you’re a fan of superpowers and unrealistic twists. No matter how tacky It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with Danny DeVito) is, I can’t get enough of it. Finally, The Shield ended their reign this past year, and not a minute too soon. I enjoyed the show for a few seasons, but it was time to put that dog to rest.

The most important subject to mention of the entire year is the music. Some bands hit, like TV on the Radio and Coldplay, and one totally missed, Guns n’ Roses. Chinese Democracy started in the mid ‘90’s and should’ve stayed there. Go away Axl, you creepy, creepy looking man…thing. Coldplay is always golden in every aspect of their career. I’m looking to the start of 2009 with Tonight: Franz Ferdinand. A brilliant album I’m still listening to is from The Killers, Day & Age.

There were so many other stories out there, but everything is debatable and some of the stories are too depressing to think about. The one thing that did happen on the LAST day of 2008 was the arrest of Charles Barkley on a DUI suspicion, awesome (apparently a handgun and prostitute are involved, as well). We started 2009 with the Winter Classic between the Red Wings and Blackhawks at Wrigley Field. Nice transition from the old to the New Year. Kudos to you professional sports! Happy New Year, let’s hope for the same excitement this time around.

Since day one of the NFL regular season, the fans of this organization have been tracking a remarkable team, the Detroit Lions. From preseason champions to the perfect 0 wins and 14 losses, we’ve been there to see it all.

Well, no one has really seen much, most of their games have been blacked-out. At least we were all able to witness the complete dismantling at the hands of the Tennessee Titans on Thanksgiving Day.

There are only two games left for the Lions to devastate us all and win a game. The next game looks like a sure lock for them to lose. They are playing the New Orleans Saints. A few stats to keep in mind, the Lions are 2nd worst in the league at yards allowed per game, and the Saints are best in the league in the category of yards per game on offense. Although New Orleans is in the middle of the league when it comes to rushing defense, Detroit is the 2nd worst rushing offense.

I don’t think there is any doubt that we’ll see another crushing defeat for the NFL’s worst team this season, possibly in the entire history of the NFL, against the Saints. The game I hold my breath for is the last game of the season against the one team that could ruin the entire year for so many people, the Green Bay Packers.

Fact, the Lions have not defeated the Packers since week one in 2005. This may seem like a “sure thing” for a Pack victory, but the Packers have lost four straight and six of their last seven this season.

Fact, the Packers have won all but one game against the Lions dating back to 2002 in the months of November and December. Yes, but that one loss came on Thanksgiving Day 2003 and the following year the Pack had their revenge in the last few months of the season. Last year, Detroit lost to the Packers on Thanksgiving Day, is it time for the Lions to get their revenge?

In a year when we have seen a change in United States history already, is it really time for a change in NFL history as well? No team has EVER gone 0-15 (yes Noodles, this is true). Is this really the year? There is nothing more I want this holiday season. On December 28th, as long as all the stars line up, we will be crossing our fingers for the most pivotal game of the season. Who cares about the postseason? That happens every year, but 0-16 is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Hopefully this doesn’t jinx my dream of perfection, but I’ve also started writing a book and designing a winless t-shirt. The quest for perfection and the number one pick in the draft…again, continues.

OH, but I failed to mention that this guy is the starter.

Dan Orlovsky made sure to throw the game by stepping out of bounce in his own endzone, resulting in two points for the opposing team.

Instant photography before the digital innovation was synonymous with Polaroid. Think about the days when you’d visit the grocery store and have an instant memory of you and Tony the Tiger. Or when the station wagon from Ghostbusters made an appearance at a local car dealership and that image was captured forever in time as quickly as it happened. Hell, if you’ve ever had the horrific endeavor of being placed on Santa’s lap before the late ‘90’s, a Polaroid picture is what you have to remember it by.

This will no longer be available sooner than later. After this month, the production of instant film will cease. Maybe this will hit me harder because of my age, but I feel that waving that piece of film until a poor quality picture appears is something that should never be taken away. Sure, in the economic perspective, this is the evolution of technology. And yes, these cameras don’t stand a chance in the digital world, but this is a heartbreaker.

What will Outkast do now for lyrics now? In ten years, the new generation of crumb-crunchers won’t know what it means to “Shake it like a Polaroid picture.” Even though shaking the later versions of the film could actually ruin the picture, that’s beside the point.

First we lose our 8-tracks, then our vinyl records, our tape cassettes, and we’ll soon lose CD’s, but please, not the instant Polaroid film. Buy while you can, sources say that the film will only be available through next year.

What comes to mind when you think of Christmas? Is it the snow, the presents, the family getting together? Maybe you think of all of those things. I think of how much I hate Christmas carols.

The cult of religion is ever present with every carol out there. I cringe at the sound of almost every Christmas song in general. There are a few songs that are an exception. One of the best Christmas songs around is the timeless classic, 12 Days of Christmas performed by The Muppets and John Denver.



Another song that I can listen to is Coldplay’s version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. It really isn’t a great song, but I can’t turn against Coldplay. That’s about as far as the list goes for me for acceptable songs to hear during Christmas.

I wasn’t one of those fortunate enough to have carolers coming to my doorstep when I was a child. That might have given me a better taste about these hideous songs. No, I had the positive influence of Gremlins.

Yes, that movie with the cute little Gizmo. The movie featured the song Do You Hear What I Hear? Which is quite possibly the worst song ever created. The song has many versions, and I hate them all.

Gremlins is one movie I will not watch again. Not because I’m scared of those elf/alien creatures (I will never admit to the nightmares), but because I don’t want to ruin the image of this movie like I have of other movies. Most movies that were detrimental to my childhood are actually pretty funny now, such as It, Ghostbusters II, and Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

For the holidays, all I ask is that we, as a whole, simmer down on the holiday music. I’d like to enjoy one Christmas without the thoughts of Spike out to get me.

The fat guy in a red suit breaking into my house and stealing MY DAMN COOKIES is bad enough. Don’t even get me started on that bastard. Parents, why would you let your kid sit on his lap?

Remember in Bring It On when the white cheerleaders, the Bulls (or whatever the fuck), steal the routines of the black cheerleaders, the Clovers (the writers, in all their Hollywood genius, chose to name all black school district after the symbol of an ethnic group known to be virulently anti-black).

Well, remember when in retribution for stealing their routines, the Clovers bake cupcakes full of rat poison and give them to the Toros ( I checked Wikipedia between here and three sentences ago) and the Toros nearly die? If that seems too far fetched even for a Hollywood movie that operates around the central concept that Gabrielle Union could have been in high school in 2000, guess again.

Allegedly, cheerleaders from Chapin high in El Paso, TX, baked cupcakes laced with rat poison and laxative for rival, Andres High schools’ dance team. The cupcakes in question were confiscated before they could be consumed, and while pranks amongst cheerleading squads in Texas are not unheard of, parents of Andres High students are pissed (understandably) and want the Chapin cheer squad to face criminal charges.

This all comes on the heels of another cheerleader scandal in which Patriots cheerleader, Caitlin Davis, was fired for being a party to drawing swastikas on a passed out compatriot after what surely must have been a night full of Akon and Captain Morgan Parrot Bay. For a longer list of previous cheerleader scandals (and some great pictures), consult our brothers-in-arms at Deadspin.com.

Sugar and spice and everything nice (and penises)

Just like the level of competition rises when players graduate from high school to college, so do the charges from lil’ old attempted murder to full on, Division 1 murder. The alcohol fueled double murder of two LSU fans by a Crimson Tide supporter last week may have been sparked by Bama’s 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers (though family of the victims claim that there were deeper causes).

I suppose this answers the debate over who would win in a fight, two tigers or an elephant armed with a shotgun?

The Democrats have done it. They won the presidency and solidified their majority in the House and Senate. Following the announcement that Barack Obama had won, gay people everywhere flooded the streets to have HIV infecting sex.

But something more important than the world’s largest public orgy happened yesterday, for the first time in history, a black man will be president.

Now that’s something. That says something about the evolved nature of this country. When the daughter of George “Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever ” Wallace votes for black man, that is history.

The moment that left many (myself included) a little choked up, was when a camera scanning the crowd stumbled upon a teary eyed Jesse Jackson. Seeing Jackson overcome with emotion reminds us what we have a nation have been through. Jesse Jackson knelt on the balcony of the Lorraine Hotel next to Martin Luther King Jr. while his life slowly bled out of him. And not quite fifty years later, a black man is in the White House. Jackson’s emotions say it in a way that words like “historical” and “significant” and “monumental,” just can’t convey.

Change “could be” to “is” and you’ve got your cover for next week.

The athlete formerly known as Pacman Jones is at it again.

If you watch Sports Center or pay attention to any sports journalism whatsoever, you’ve probably heard Adam Jones’ name in the news lately.

.

Seriously? Seriously?

Now Pacman Jones is going to rehab.

As interesting as Pacman Jones is as a character in the dramedy that is the NFL, the other Jones in Pacman’s life is more subtly interesting.

Jerry Jones will do anything for love and he WILL do that.

And by love, I mean the Dallas Cowboys. America’s Team. The dynamic Dallas dynasty. Whatever you want to call them, Jerry Jones will pay any price and shirk any sense of ethical decency for the Dallas Cowboys.

Another case in point: Tank Johnson.

Tank Johnson is just that. A tank. When he played for the Chicago Bears, he was part of a defense that included Lance Briggs, Brian Urlacher and Charles Tillman.

A couple of handguns and an ass whoopin or two later, Tank got himself F-I-R-E-D.

Lucky for good ol Terry, Jerry has no problem picking up players with perpetual reps.

I’m all for redemption but it’s really starting to get ridiculous. If this is what “America” is, count me out.

But hey, they could be Bengals.

An ongoing series where Mary assesses her level of whiteness according to the latest criterion from the satirical blog Stuff White People Like.

This week: Pea Coats

What Is It? A winter coat worn as an alternative to the North Face jacket. According to Stuff White People Like, where a white person procures their pea coat is just as important as the actual coat. Saying you got it at thrift store is viewed to be cooler than saying your mom bought it for you at a department store, for example.

Why Do White People Like It? “The Pea Coat was originally worn by sailors and members of the European Navy. If you think about it for a second, this means that the coat is European, Coastal, and Vintage. Three of white people’s favorite things,” reports the blog. It also allows Urbana hipsters to not wash their hair, but still have an element of put-togetherness.

Does Mary Like It? Mary owns a Pea Coat. It’s a J. Lo. Her mom bought it for her at a department store.

Verdict: Definitely white.

Find out how white Mary is next week!

Source: Stuff White People Like