Ok, so let’s be honest. It’s not like we didn’t think this already existed. It’s just now there might be some proof. CNN is reporting that the Bush Administration created a secret, special operations command without Congressional oversight that had the authority to assassinate high-level targets in multiple countries. Cheney and several aids have denied the claim (because, you know otherwise he would be indicted for conspiracy to commit murder).

There is a Simpsons episode in which Lisa becomes President and is offered the opportunity to assassinate Bart, who is causing her political problems. She declines and her Secret Service escort reminds her that each prez gets three secret murders, and if you don’t use them by the end of the term “Zip! They’re gone.” (This was before the invention of roll over minutes). I wonder how many Cheney actually wound up using?

This Sunday’s Oscars were the best ever, and it wasn’t because of Hugh Jackman’s chiseled jaw line (or the fact that Anne Hathaway didn’t win shit). These Oscars were great because of this.

I am fully aware what a sour taste these speeches left in some people’s mouths. Some hate the idea of using the Oscars as a political soap box, and I can appreciate that point of view. I am also aware how many disapprove of how Sean Penn continues to act like the moral compass of Hollywood, as if the political opinion of famous actor is somehow more relevant than that of a lay person. “I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me. Often.” You’re right about that, Sean. You frequently do make it that way, and I’m someone who usually agrees with you (and loves your acting, for that matter).

But, what Dustin Lance Black and Sean Penn said last night needed to be said.

Oscars or not.

America has been seriously embroiled in the gay marriage debate for about a decade now (many gay Americans would say even longer, I’ll bet), and we are reaching a watershed moment. Judges tell us gay marriage should be legal, voters tell us (in decreasing margins) that it shouldn’t be. It’s a matter that divides churches, divides political parties, and sadly, it divides families. In fact, I learned from a friend of mine that one his friends from his hometown decided to come out to his parents after watching the speech. How they took it, I don’t know.

As much as it might offend some, I have to agree with Sean Penn: Our grandchildren will be ashamed of us if we continue down the path we have been taking. We will be remembered as a generation that, despite electing the first black man to the presidency, continued to segregate and oppress and deny people basic human liberty because they are different from the norm. We will be seen in the same light as the segregationists and xenophobes of another age. You may think I am wrong. You may think that what I have just said is offensive and vitriolic. You may hate being lumped together with the KKK and all the images that accompany a different period of segregation. You may think that gay marriage is just plain wrong. And frankly, I would like nothing more than to have this debate with you (though I wish it didn’t have to be through the comments section). But, in 50 years, we will have to explain to your grandchildren why we thought it was right to stop those who love each other from expressing that love, whether in the ceremony of marriage, or the sharing of property, or the decision to end their partner’s life with dignity. We will have to explain why we thought it was better to let thousands of children grow up in group homes and with abusive foster parents rather than in an environment of support and love, just because their would be two fathers or two mothers in that loving, supportive household. We will be praised for what we have accomplished, but we will also be shamed for the injustice we let continue.

In 50 years (and I hope it only takes that long) those who despised Sean Penn’s speech last night will be the minority, and Harvey Milk will no longer only be a hero to the gay community, but to the human community.

I invite everyone to take some time to think about what you believe, why you believe it, and how you will answer future generations when they ask you what and why this generation believed.

In his first two weeks in office, Barack Obama has done (at least) two things that George Bush couldn’t find the time for in 8 years (for the record, we are not counting listening to Earth, Wind, and Fire).

1) When he screwed something up, he apologized.

2) Exercised common sense.

Funny how admitting wrong doing and subsequently taking the appropriate steps to stay the change course, and using common sense are not mutually exclusive. Personally, I think Daschle would have made a great HHS Secretary, but I suppose appointing someone to a salaried position in the presidential cabinet who owes the IRS a couple hundred thousand in back taxes is a teensy bit hypocritical.

At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song again.

If you replace Michelle Obama with a giant globe, the song choice still makes sense (even if the dress choice doesn’t).

Don’t replace Beyonce, though. And feel free to discuss the question posed in the title.

Only hours after Barack Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the good ‘ol U S of A, the stock market freaked out and made the proverbial move to the suburbs. The NASDAQ is down about 70, the NYSE 255, and the Dow Jones Industrial 261, as of 1:50 this afternoon.

It would seem that our long national nightmare continues, even after it ended.

Is it possible to top a year like 2008? We’ve encountered everything from scandal to accidental celebrity deaths. History was made in politics with the presidential election as well as in the NFL with the league’s first ever 0-16 team. Although the recession hit hard, the entertainment industry made a few strides with superhero movies like Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Here’s a recap of what 2009 is up against.

Government officials and celebrities showed their true colors throughout the year. The true criminals and scumbags captured the headlines. Before the Rod Blagojevich controversy, there was Eliot Spitzer and his prostitute (she then made a singing debut out of the exposure). Really though, who cares about “Client #9” and Ashley Alexandra Dupré? Apparently Time believes that was the number one scandal of the year and there was no mention of our governor within the top ten.

O.J. Simpson is finally getting the jail sentence many believe he deserved years ago. I guess what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas.

The good side of politics came with our new president-elect, Barack Obama. It shows that our nation has finally progressed past racial barriers, and it’s about time.

On a sad note, death was prevalent for the famous in ‘08. The most shocking death of the year came early with Heath Ledger. An accidental drug overdose took the life of an actor that redefined the role of the infamous Joker in The Dark Knight.

Here’s a short list of other celebrities no longer with us: Bettie Page, Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac, Michael Crichton, Charlton Heston, and George Carlin.

History was made within the National Football League. The Patriots were near perfection at the beginning of the year, but the choked in the only game that mattered. At least we can rely on the Detroit Lions to pick us up and set the bar with an NFL record of zero wins and sixteen losses. We may never again see this feat.

Michael Phelps came in a distant second to Detroit with history-making performances. So he won 8 gold medals against the best of the best swimmers in the Olympics. The suit did all of the work anyway. I’m totally kidding, that was the single most impressive athletic accomplishment of the year. The next best athletic achievements came from Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.

The Cubs blew it again…I guess that’s old news though.

Television was entertaining this year. The Office, How I Met Your Mother, and House are still three of the best shows on television. If you haven’t seen Steve Carell’s character Michael Scott on The Office, you’re missing out. Heroes took a fall this past season, but still a decent show if you’re a fan of superpowers and unrealistic twists. No matter how tacky It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with Danny DeVito) is, I can’t get enough of it. Finally, The Shield ended their reign this past year, and not a minute too soon. I enjoyed the show for a few seasons, but it was time to put that dog to rest.

The most important subject to mention of the entire year is the music. Some bands hit, like TV on the Radio and Coldplay, and one totally missed, Guns n’ Roses. Chinese Democracy started in the mid ‘90’s and should’ve stayed there. Go away Axl, you creepy, creepy looking man…thing. Coldplay is always golden in every aspect of their career. I’m looking to the start of 2009 with Tonight: Franz Ferdinand. A brilliant album I’m still listening to is from The Killers, Day & Age.

There were so many other stories out there, but everything is debatable and some of the stories are too depressing to think about. The one thing that did happen on the LAST day of 2008 was the arrest of Charles Barkley on a DUI suspicion, awesome (apparently a handgun and prostitute are involved, as well). We started 2009 with the Winter Classic between the Red Wings and Blackhawks at Wrigley Field. Nice transition from the old to the New Year. Kudos to you professional sports! Happy New Year, let’s hope for the same excitement this time around.

Anne Coulter, conservative commentator and all around bitch, has apparently finally been smoted by the Lord, our God. He has seen fit to cast this demon upon demons down into the fiery hell fire of the bottom of a staircase, or into a swinging door, or near a flying baseball. Page Six is reporting that Ann Coulter has had her jaw recently wired shut. While the report is, as of yet, unconfirmed, the broken jaw comes at the best possible time, as the succubus has a book due out in December. I guess Coulter will have to skip the Fox News/Washington Times press circuit, and cut back on the racial slurs.

Henry Rollins apparently feels similarly.

What a week it was in the world of sports.

NFL referees continued to bumble and stumble their way through the season when they incorrectly reversed a last second, Troy Polamalu touchdown, resulting in an 11-10 Pittsburgh victory (the first 11-10 final in NFL history, to add some irony to the pot). It took the refs five minutes to determine whether or not the Steelers won by 1, or 7, or 8, and they still got it wrong. And of course, with the spread set at 5, any Steelers fan who bet on the game failed to cover the spread. It would seem the NFL owes the McBeam family Johnny’s college tuition.

Mark Cuban, the billionaire turned billionaire Mavericks owner was charged by the SEC for insider trading. Cuban allegedly traded some 600,000 shares of Mamma.com (with a name like that, no wonder it failed) before information on the company’s financial problems became public (that’s illegal, fyi). Cuban, who is worth several billion dollars, avoided an estimated $750,000 in losses with the sale. He might have been able to save himself a major headache by just cutting down on gold plated toilets and diamond encrusted shot clocks.

And the cherry on the sports fan’s cherry, Barack Obama’s interview on 60 Minutes where he carved out his 12 point plan to close Gitmo, solve the financial crisis, and most importantly, bring playoffs to college football.

There’s a lot of Big XII fans in Texas who are starting to think this Obama thing might not be such a bad idea after all.

In order to keep his fellow constituents to be (the “to be” referring to those who don’t live in Illinois…suckers) apprised of the hap around the President Elect, the Obama campaign has created a website, Change.gov. At the website, you can find news, bios, a blog written by Valerie Jarrett, and even apply for a job in the Obama Administration. A background check and cavity search are sure to follow.

While not on the site, this is certainly the impression it attempts to give.

The Democrats have done it. They won the presidency and solidified their majority in the House and Senate. Following the announcement that Barack Obama had won, gay people everywhere flooded the streets to have HIV infecting sex.

But something more important than the world’s largest public orgy happened yesterday, for the first time in history, a black man will be president.

Now that’s something. That says something about the evolved nature of this country. When the daughter of George “Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever ” Wallace votes for black man, that is history.

The moment that left many (myself included) a little choked up, was when a camera scanning the crowd stumbled upon a teary eyed Jesse Jackson. Seeing Jackson overcome with emotion reminds us what we have a nation have been through. Jesse Jackson knelt on the balcony of the Lorraine Hotel next to Martin Luther King Jr. while his life slowly bled out of him. And not quite fifty years later, a black man is in the White House. Jackson’s emotions say it in a way that words like “historical” and “significant” and “monumental,” just can’t convey.

Change “could be” to “is” and you’ve got your cover for next week.