I repeat, Plaxico Burress is the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. If you hadn’t already heard, Plax managed to shoot himself in the leg early Saturday morning in a Manhattan nightclub with an unlicensed handgun.

Accidentally shooting yourself in the leg is pretty fucking stupid.

Doing it in a crowded, Manhattan nightclub where you are surely the center of a lot of attention is even dumber.

Doing it in a state that imposes a MINIMUM 3.5 year sentence for carrying loaded, unlicensed handguns is the dumbest fucking thing on the face of the planet.

Michael Vick offers Plaxico Burress advice on 2′ X 2′ window treatments

Plaxico, who has already been the subject of disciplinary action by the league and the Giants (a one game suspension seems like small fucking potatoes now, huh Plax?) turned himself over to authorities where he was charged with criminal possession of a weapon, a class C felony. He did not enter a plea.

I can’t totally blame Plax for wanting to protect himself in the wake of highly publicized attacks on athletes, including the murder of former Redskins safety, Sean Taylor. But when you’re worth more than the GNP of most African countries, hire a bodyguard. Hire a team of bodyguards. Rent the club out. Don’t carry a loaded weapon (that you obviously don’t know how to use) into a crowded club where you put others’ lives in jeopardy.

So to recap: Someone whose job it is to run, jump, and catch managed to make it impossible to do two of those things, with a device he carries for his PROTECTION (they call that irony, folks), aaaaaaaand will likely serve jail time as a result.

Fucking idiot. (Unless of course his opponent in fantasy football was starting him. Then the joke is on that guy!)

I wonder if it went down like this?

Anne Coulter, conservative commentator and all around bitch, has apparently finally been smoted by the Lord, our God. He has seen fit to cast this demon upon demons down into the fiery hell fire of the bottom of a staircase, or into a swinging door, or near a flying baseball. Page Six is reporting that Ann Coulter has had her jaw recently wired shut. While the report is, as of yet, unconfirmed, the broken jaw comes at the best possible time, as the succubus has a book due out in December. I guess Coulter will have to skip the Fox News/Washington Times press circuit, and cut back on the racial slurs.

Henry Rollins apparently feels similarly.

Remember in Bring It On when the white cheerleaders, the Bulls (or whatever the fuck), steal the routines of the black cheerleaders, the Clovers (the writers, in all their Hollywood genius, chose to name all black school district after the symbol of an ethnic group known to be virulently anti-black).

Well, remember when in retribution for stealing their routines, the Clovers bake cupcakes full of rat poison and give them to the Toros ( I checked Wikipedia between here and three sentences ago) and the Toros nearly die? If that seems too far fetched even for a Hollywood movie that operates around the central concept that Gabrielle Union could have been in high school in 2000, guess again.

Allegedly, cheerleaders from Chapin high in El Paso, TX, baked cupcakes laced with rat poison and laxative for rival, Andres High schools’ dance team. The cupcakes in question were confiscated before they could be consumed, and while pranks amongst cheerleading squads in Texas are not unheard of, parents of Andres High students are pissed (understandably) and want the Chapin cheer squad to face criminal charges.

This all comes on the heels of another cheerleader scandal in which Patriots cheerleader, Caitlin Davis, was fired for being a party to drawing swastikas on a passed out compatriot after what surely must have been a night full of Akon and Captain Morgan Parrot Bay. For a longer list of previous cheerleader scandals (and some great pictures), consult our brothers-in-arms at Deadspin.com.

Sugar and spice and everything nice (and penises)

Just like the level of competition rises when players graduate from high school to college, so do the charges from lil’ old attempted murder to full on, Division 1 murder. The alcohol fueled double murder of two LSU fans by a Crimson Tide supporter last week may have been sparked by Bama’s 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers (though family of the victims claim that there were deeper causes).

I suppose this answers the debate over who would win in a fight, two tigers or an elephant armed with a shotgun?

Dumbasses.

That’s what beauty queens are.

Not role models.

Not scholarship winners.

Dumb, gorgeous asses.

Not really a revelation to most, I know, but Miss Teen Louisiana’s arrest for ditching a $46.07 restaurant bill, forgetting her purse, going back to retrieve it, and getting busted for the marijuana inside of it, just serves to underscore, bold, and italicize what most people already know.

Hardly an isolated incident of late. Remember Tara Conner, and her teary eyed apology for using cocaine?

Or Katie Rees’ public, drunken exploration of her sexuality?

Is that her talent?

Or, Caitlin Upton’s unfathomably vapid answer to Mario Lopez’s query about why 1/5 of Americans can’t identify the U.S. on a world map.

You would think she would know the answer, she’s obviously part of that 1/5.

Oh, and I’m forgetting Kamari Fulbright, who was arrested for torture.

Beauty queens are beauty queens because they are beautiful, not because they are intelligent, thoughtful, poised, or talented–in fact, their recent track record has shown that they are the antithesis of all of these things.

So no, I don’t care about your solution to the global oil crisis Miss Teen Wherever the Fuck. Go put on a swimsuit.

Role model