If you’ve woken up from your seizure after learning that Larry Fitzgerald and the Arizona Cardinals would be playing in the Super Bowl, you’ve probably heard about Fitzgerald’s father, Larry Sr. Fitzgerald Sr. (or Big Poppa, as he will henceforth be referred to), is a long time sports writer for the Minnesota Spokesman Recorder. He’s a highly respected journalist, having covered over 20 Super Bowls and a variety of other big time sporting events. And, it seems, he’s not one to break tradition. Big Poppa has announced that he will continue to objectively (he claims) report on and attend the Super Bowl, despite the fact that his son will be in the starting lineup for the Cardinals.

The Fitzgerald’s and Larry’s late mother, Carol

My question isn’t whether or not Big Poppa can objectively cover his baby boy, but if you’re a Minnesota Spokesman reader, if you even want that? As a journalist, I can be sure that if my brother was taking the hill in game one of the World Series (even if it was for the White Sox, or even..gaaaaaah….the Cardinals), my ass would be about as fair and balanced as Sean Hannity on a bad day. And if I was a reader of the paper, I think I would want that sort of exclusive insight. What’s Larry’s preparation like? How has his relationship with his father affected him up to this point? What do Larry and Big Poppa say to each other if the Cards win (or lose)? All of these columns, none of which could be better written by anybody besides Big Poppa, seem far more interesting to me than the typical “Arizona’s Defense is the Key,” “Get Pressure on Big Ben,” story lines that Big Poppa is sure to write in the upcoming week.

My advice to the Minnesota Spokesman Recorder and Larry Sr., hang up the objectivity hat this time, and just write like you’re his father. Sports are best when there is a human drama, a human touch involved in them. And I can’t think of a single human who would know the Cards and their star player better than Larry Jr.’s, Big Poppa.

Could you be objective if your son did that in the Super Bowl?

In order to ward off any unnecessary homeland security investigations, I’m not really a communist. However, I do support their outright ballsiness.

While perusing the latest headlines today, I came across solid, concrete, unfaltering proof that Fidel Castro is alive and well.

That proof….that Raul Castro says so.

By reading this type of article, I glean something that I’ve known to be true for a while now…in a state controlled society, you can lie like a lady of the night.

The people of Cuba are honestly supposed to believe that because Fidel’s ickle wickle baby brother Raul says Fidel has been “exercising, thinking a lot, reading a lot” that Fidel Castro is doing just a-ok. If Raul were any more vague about Fidel’s actual state in this article, he may as well have answered, “Fidel’s real chill, brah.”

In America, we do it the “Patrick Swayze has cancer” way. PHOTO evidence. Unless I see Fidel Castro suited up in his best jogging outfit (replete with cigar dangling from mouth) and running through the streets Havana, I refuse to believe that he is not dying. In fact, I’m pretty sure Fidel Castro has been perpetually dying for the past two decades.

In conclusion, I wish to be a communist leader for only one reason: I can lie my ass off and absolutely NO ONE can call me on it.

If you hear me humming the Internationale on the quad, you’ll certainly know why.

Clearly, Fidel has been exercising a lot.

At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song again.

If you replace Michelle Obama with a giant globe, the song choice still makes sense (even if the dress choice doesn’t).

Don’t replace Beyonce, though. And feel free to discuss the question posed in the title.

Only hours after Barack Obama was inaugurated as the 44th President of the good ‘ol U S of A, the stock market freaked out and made the proverbial move to the suburbs. The NASDAQ is down about 70, the NYSE 255, and the Dow Jones Industrial 261, as of 1:50 this afternoon.

It would seem that our long national nightmare continues, even after it ended.

Is it possible to top a year like 2008? We’ve encountered everything from scandal to accidental celebrity deaths. History was made in politics with the presidential election as well as in the NFL with the league’s first ever 0-16 team. Although the recession hit hard, the entertainment industry made a few strides with superhero movies like Iron Man and The Dark Knight. Here’s a recap of what 2009 is up against.

Government officials and celebrities showed their true colors throughout the year. The true criminals and scumbags captured the headlines. Before the Rod Blagojevich controversy, there was Eliot Spitzer and his prostitute (she then made a singing debut out of the exposure). Really though, who cares about “Client #9” and Ashley Alexandra Dupré? Apparently Time believes that was the number one scandal of the year and there was no mention of our governor within the top ten.

O.J. Simpson is finally getting the jail sentence many believe he deserved years ago. I guess what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas.

The good side of politics came with our new president-elect, Barack Obama. It shows that our nation has finally progressed past racial barriers, and it’s about time.

On a sad note, death was prevalent for the famous in ‘08. The most shocking death of the year came early with Heath Ledger. An accidental drug overdose took the life of an actor that redefined the role of the infamous Joker in The Dark Knight.

Here’s a short list of other celebrities no longer with us: Bettie Page, Isaac Hayes, Bernie Mac, Michael Crichton, Charlton Heston, and George Carlin.

History was made within the National Football League. The Patriots were near perfection at the beginning of the year, but the choked in the only game that mattered. At least we can rely on the Detroit Lions to pick us up and set the bar with an NFL record of zero wins and sixteen losses. We may never again see this feat.

Michael Phelps came in a distant second to Detroit with history-making performances. So he won 8 gold medals against the best of the best swimmers in the Olympics. The suit did all of the work anyway. I’m totally kidding, that was the single most impressive athletic accomplishment of the year. The next best athletic achievements came from Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt.

The Cubs blew it again…I guess that’s old news though.

Television was entertaining this year. The Office, How I Met Your Mother, and House are still three of the best shows on television. If you haven’t seen Steve Carell’s character Michael Scott on The Office, you’re missing out. Heroes took a fall this past season, but still a decent show if you’re a fan of superpowers and unrealistic twists. No matter how tacky It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (with Danny DeVito) is, I can’t get enough of it. Finally, The Shield ended their reign this past year, and not a minute too soon. I enjoyed the show for a few seasons, but it was time to put that dog to rest.

The most important subject to mention of the entire year is the music. Some bands hit, like TV on the Radio and Coldplay, and one totally missed, Guns n’ Roses. Chinese Democracy started in the mid ‘90’s and should’ve stayed there. Go away Axl, you creepy, creepy looking man…thing. Coldplay is always golden in every aspect of their career. I’m looking to the start of 2009 with Tonight: Franz Ferdinand. A brilliant album I’m still listening to is from The Killers, Day & Age.

There were so many other stories out there, but everything is debatable and some of the stories are too depressing to think about. The one thing that did happen on the LAST day of 2008 was the arrest of Charles Barkley on a DUI suspicion, awesome (apparently a handgun and prostitute are involved, as well). We started 2009 with the Winter Classic between the Red Wings and Blackhawks at Wrigley Field. Nice transition from the old to the New Year. Kudos to you professional sports! Happy New Year, let’s hope for the same excitement this time around.