Frohe Weihnachten

Happy non-denominational gift giving season from your friends at The Lowdown. Be safe. Be happy. Drink Up.

Since day one of the NFL regular season, the fans of this organization have been tracking a remarkable team, the Detroit Lions. From preseason champions to the perfect 0 wins and 14 losses, we’ve been there to see it all.

Well, no one has really seen much, most of their games have been blacked-out. At least we were all able to witness the complete dismantling at the hands of the Tennessee Titans on Thanksgiving Day.

There are only two games left for the Lions to devastate us all and win a game. The next game looks like a sure lock for them to lose. They are playing the New Orleans Saints. A few stats to keep in mind, the Lions are 2nd worst in the league at yards allowed per game, and the Saints are best in the league in the category of yards per game on offense. Although New Orleans is in the middle of the league when it comes to rushing defense, Detroit is the 2nd worst rushing offense.

I don’t think there is any doubt that we’ll see another crushing defeat for the NFL’s worst team this season, possibly in the entire history of the NFL, against the Saints. The game I hold my breath for is the last game of the season against the one team that could ruin the entire year for so many people, the Green Bay Packers.

Fact, the Lions have not defeated the Packers since week one in 2005. This may seem like a “sure thing” for a Pack victory, but the Packers have lost four straight and six of their last seven this season.

Fact, the Packers have won all but one game against the Lions dating back to 2002 in the months of November and December. Yes, but that one loss came on Thanksgiving Day 2003 and the following year the Pack had their revenge in the last few months of the season. Last year, Detroit lost to the Packers on Thanksgiving Day, is it time for the Lions to get their revenge?

In a year when we have seen a change in United States history already, is it really time for a change in NFL history as well? No team has EVER gone 0-15 (yes Noodles, this is true). Is this really the year? There is nothing more I want this holiday season. On December 28th, as long as all the stars line up, we will be crossing our fingers for the most pivotal game of the season. Who cares about the postseason? That happens every year, but 0-16 is an accomplishment to be proud of.

Hopefully this doesn’t jinx my dream of perfection, but I’ve also started writing a book and designing a winless t-shirt. The quest for perfection and the number one pick in the draft…again, continues.

OH, but I failed to mention that this guy is the starter.

Dan Orlovsky made sure to throw the game by stepping out of bounce in his own endzone, resulting in two points for the opposing team.

Instant photography before the digital innovation was synonymous with Polaroid. Think about the days when you’d visit the grocery store and have an instant memory of you and Tony the Tiger. Or when the station wagon from Ghostbusters made an appearance at a local car dealership and that image was captured forever in time as quickly as it happened. Hell, if you’ve ever had the horrific endeavor of being placed on Santa’s lap before the late ‘90’s, a Polaroid picture is what you have to remember it by.

This will no longer be available sooner than later. After this month, the production of instant film will cease. Maybe this will hit me harder because of my age, but I feel that waving that piece of film until a poor quality picture appears is something that should never be taken away. Sure, in the economic perspective, this is the evolution of technology. And yes, these cameras don’t stand a chance in the digital world, but this is a heartbreaker.

What will Outkast do now for lyrics now? In ten years, the new generation of crumb-crunchers won’t know what it means to “Shake it like a Polaroid picture.” Even though shaking the later versions of the film could actually ruin the picture, that’s beside the point.

First we lose our 8-tracks, then our vinyl records, our tape cassettes, and we’ll soon lose CD’s, but please, not the instant Polaroid film. Buy while you can, sources say that the film will only be available through next year.

As a Cubs (and Illini) fan, there is very little that can be done, short of involving hot wax and ball gags, to cause me any pain. We’ve been through it all before. But, in true Cubs fashion, they’ve done and gone and fucked us once again. Cubs chairman Crane Kenney recently announced that the Cubs would be raising ticket prices for the 2009 season.

Now, if that doesn’t seem all that bad, let me put it into perspective for you.

A team that hasn’t won a World Series in one hundred (100) years, a team that hasn’t one a post-season game since 2003, a team that has sold out every single game of the last several (and most) seasons, a team that had 20,000 + fans migrate two hours north for “neutral site” games against the Astros, a team that comes from one of the largest media markets in the country, with arguably the largest nationwide fan base after the Yankees and (recently) the Red Sox–this team–decided they weren’t getting enough from the fans, so fuck it, we’re raising ticket prices.

The Tribune Company, soon to be Cuban Enterprises (please God, do me this one fucking favor), will be doing away with the “Value, Regular” and,” Prime” denominations for tickets, replacing them with “Bronze, Silver, Gold” and, “Platinum.” (Someone should tell Michael Phelps to get off his lazy ass and win 8 “Platinum” medals). In essence, 33% of ticket prices will remain the same, and the good seats for the good games go way up. For example, if me, pops, and bro wanted to go to see the Cubs clinch their third straight division title against the Cards in September (please God, do me this one fucking favor), a few hours of sitting on three feet of beer-soaked, green aluminum bleacher will cost us (and by us, I mean pops) $180.

No sports fan should be so naive as to forget that sports are a business, and in order to keep the doors open and the jerseys on the shelves, teams need money. Cubs fans get it. We’re smart. We’re from the North Side, remember? But don’t toss Kerry Wood into the shark tank of free agency because you can’t afford him, and then ratchet up ticket prices.

Cubs fans will put up with a lot. That much has been proven time and time and time and time and time and time again. But don’t start ripping us off. Cubs fans are as loyal as can possibly be. We expect some of that loyalty to come back to us.

Cynic from birth. A true Cubs fan.

A U.S. District Court judge ordered toy company, MGA Entertainment Inc., to halt the sale of the bizarrely popular, outwardly sexual Bratz dolls. The decision is the result of a four year arbitration between MGA and Mattel in which Mattel claimed that MGA’s production of Bratz violated copyright because the dolls’ creator, Carter Bryant, originally developed the concept for the dolls while employed by Mattel.

The ruling is a big blow for MGA, who was only mere days away from releasing their latest Bratz character, 11 year old Veronica Slutsky, who came complete with a to-scale replica of a birth control compact and an anatomically correct, broken hymen.

Get ‘em while you can.

What comes to mind when you think of Christmas? Is it the snow, the presents, the family getting together? Maybe you think of all of those things. I think of how much I hate Christmas carols.

The cult of religion is ever present with every carol out there. I cringe at the sound of almost every Christmas song in general. There are a few songs that are an exception. One of the best Christmas songs around is the timeless classic, 12 Days of Christmas performed by The Muppets and John Denver.



Another song that I can listen to is Coldplay’s version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. It really isn’t a great song, but I can’t turn against Coldplay. That’s about as far as the list goes for me for acceptable songs to hear during Christmas.

I wasn’t one of those fortunate enough to have carolers coming to my doorstep when I was a child. That might have given me a better taste about these hideous songs. No, I had the positive influence of Gremlins.

Yes, that movie with the cute little Gizmo. The movie featured the song Do You Hear What I Hear? Which is quite possibly the worst song ever created. The song has many versions, and I hate them all.

Gremlins is one movie I will not watch again. Not because I’m scared of those elf/alien creatures (I will never admit to the nightmares), but because I don’t want to ruin the image of this movie like I have of other movies. Most movies that were detrimental to my childhood are actually pretty funny now, such as It, Ghostbusters II, and Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

For the holidays, all I ask is that we, as a whole, simmer down on the holiday music. I’d like to enjoy one Christmas without the thoughts of Spike out to get me.

The fat guy in a red suit breaking into my house and stealing MY DAMN COOKIES is bad enough. Don’t even get me started on that bastard. Parents, why would you let your kid sit on his lap?

You read this blog. You love this blog. You say to yourself, “I would love to contribute to The Lowdown, but I’m just not as informed, hilarious, or good looking as the contributors they already have.”

Well, that’s true. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a part of the217.com family. If you’re interested in getting your blog on, shout a holla to our lovely producer, Elle Destree at producer@the217.com.

Learn to embed crazy Youtube shit, just like us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I repeat, Plaxico Burress is the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. If you hadn’t already heard, Plax managed to shoot himself in the leg early Saturday morning in a Manhattan nightclub with an unlicensed handgun.

Accidentally shooting yourself in the leg is pretty fucking stupid.

Doing it in a crowded, Manhattan nightclub where you are surely the center of a lot of attention is even dumber.

Doing it in a state that imposes a MINIMUM 3.5 year sentence for carrying loaded, unlicensed handguns is the dumbest fucking thing on the face of the planet.

Michael Vick offers Plaxico Burress advice on 2′ X 2′ window treatments

Plaxico, who has already been the subject of disciplinary action by the league and the Giants (a one game suspension seems like small fucking potatoes now, huh Plax?) turned himself over to authorities where he was charged with criminal possession of a weapon, a class C felony. He did not enter a plea.

I can’t totally blame Plax for wanting to protect himself in the wake of highly publicized attacks on athletes, including the murder of former Redskins safety, Sean Taylor. But when you’re worth more than the GNP of most African countries, hire a bodyguard. Hire a team of bodyguards. Rent the club out. Don’t carry a loaded weapon (that you obviously don’t know how to use) into a crowded club where you put others’ lives in jeopardy.

So to recap: Someone whose job it is to run, jump, and catch managed to make it impossible to do two of those things, with a device he carries for his PROTECTION (they call that irony, folks), aaaaaaaand will likely serve jail time as a result.

Fucking idiot. (Unless of course his opponent in fantasy football was starting him. Then the joke is on that guy!)

I wonder if it went down like this?