Thinking about the holidays and how the New Year is quickly approaching, I’ve been thinking about what I can do to find out who I really am and what I can do to change for the better. This way, I can play out my New Year’s resolution ahead of time. At least I’ll be able to come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t fulfill my verbal commitments. Here’s my top 5 ways to find yourself, and if these steps are incorporated together, maybe you can find yourself, as I did.

Number 5
Follow you spirit guide.

Usually this tends to be an animal. Although I’ve heard of this only a few times, mainly in the show Heroes, I don’t know how often this works. I actually tried to first FIND my spirit animal a few weeks back. No talking turtles came my way.

I was actually banking on a coyote to help me out like on The Simpsons, but to no avail. At least I’ve taken the first step.

Number 4
Religion.

Religion is a very touchy subject to talk about. It’s a good thing I don’t have many boundaries. I’ve never thought much about religion, honestly. The way religion is, in my eyes, a cult. Who’s to judge another on how people live their lives, such as sexual orientation? Enough on that matter, regardless of everything I mentioned, I gave it a shot…sort of.

I shaved all of my facial hair in late October, to realize I looked like a young boy, so I then decided to grow everything out. One day, about a week ago, it occurred to me that I look a bit like Jesus. It was almost like an epiphany. I have officially taken the first two steps to discovering who I am.

Number 3
Find solitude.

This can be by any means of relaxation. The first thing I thought to try was yoga…and that’s about as far as it went, it was just another thought clouding the mind. After that, meditation, deep-breathing, acupuncture, a cold bath, alcohol, pain killers, a walk on the beach, and star-gazing…

I settled on listening to Coldplay. Check in the box, three down, and two to go.

Number 2
Read a self-discovery book.

So I started looking into books on Amazon.com and I came across this one, Soul Mapping: An Imaginative Way to Self-Discovery by Nina H. Frost, Dr. Richard W. Shoup, and Dr. Kenneth C. Ruge. I am a firm believer in not judging a book by its cover, but I made an exception here. From the title alone, it looks like those actions were already covered, see Number 4 and Number 3. On to the final step, the one step that matters above all the rest.

Number 1
Piss someone off that likes to write about their anger, and become more honest in the process.

Of course, why did I waste all of that time on the other steps? All I had to do was piss off one person by being myself and have them blog about all of my faults. Not only did I learn about how they felt, but it was an eye-opener to the person I really am. I had no idea about most of what was said. I’m thankful for the internet and all of its glory. The internet allows people to vent their most inner, personal, thoughts into an electronic journal for all eyes to see. Thank you anonymous blogger.

The moral of this story, kids, is that you don’t have to go through the agony of buying self-help books or wasting time and money on yoga classes, NO. Just piss someone off that has some built up emotions and a little bit of writing ability. You’d be surprised at how much someone can pick up on you and your personality from as little as a week. Have a fun and safe holiday. Take some time to find yourself before the New Year.

Anne Coulter, conservative commentator and all around bitch, has apparently finally been smoted by the Lord, our God. He has seen fit to cast this demon upon demons down into the fiery hell fire of the bottom of a staircase, or into a swinging door, or near a flying baseball. Page Six is reporting that Ann Coulter has had her jaw recently wired shut. While the report is, as of yet, unconfirmed, the broken jaw comes at the best possible time, as the succubus has a book due out in December. I guess Coulter will have to skip the Fox News/Washington Times press circuit, and cut back on the racial slurs.

Henry Rollins apparently feels similarly.

While I do often use this blog as a soapbox for my political opinions (are they still considered opinions even if they’re one 100% correct?) and sports leanings, I try not to turn The Lowdown into my own whiny, public version of a high school diary.

For example, I hate cats.

A lot.

But you would never know it because I try not to wax rhapsodical about my cat hatred on this blog.

But today, something rather important/bizarre happened to me.

Someone pulled a gun on me…sort of. It wasn’t a real gun, and he didn’t try and shoot me, he just pulled it out and started waving it around and yelling. You can read more about it here, or here, but I can give you the full scoop below.

I’m walking out of Greg Hall shortly before 3:20 and heading north along the quad to retrieve my bike from the rack on the north side of the building. As I’m walking, a white man who looked in his mid twenties (and a lot like a friend of mine, strangely enough) was walking south past Foellinger. He was yelling at himself. Things like “I’ve studied this for eight years! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” At first, I just thought he was pissed about a test or a professor (maybe he was), but then I noticed a large, silver pistol in his right hand (it didn’t have an orange cap or anything to signify it was fake, and glimmered in the light like real metal).

I quickly started to walk away, though no one else in the area (there were not many) seemed too phased by this guy’s rant. He quickly put the gun into a jacket pocket and continued to walk south. I considered not calling the police, as everyone else seemed to not really be concerned about it, but I realized that because of how closely he clutched the gun to his chest, it’s possible that no one else saw.

I dialed up 911, reported what I saw to the operator, and started walking my bike south towards the Undergrad to see if I could give the operator a more detailed description of where he was. From the doors to the Undergrad, I could see that he had continued south of Gregory into the middle of the South Quad between the bell tower and Gregory. He was pacing back and forth, yelling, and eventually flopped on the ground and started kicking the air. He got up, took the gun out, and started walking north, back towards the Undergrad. I started to back away with my bike, and right after he crossed Gregory, the police swarmed in from the north on foot, and in cars along Gregory. The guy seemed unphased by their presence, and refused to go down until the police drew their guns and ordered him down. As he hit the deck, he kept yelling “I! I! I! I! I!”

They put him in cuffs, and I gave this same description to the cops, who later told me that there where medical factors involved in his behavior, and I believe that as of now, he has not been charged with a criminal offense. I must say, I was extremely impressed with how quickly, and with such force the University police responded. From the time I hung up with the 911 operator, until the time he was in cuffs, was probably only about two minutes, possibly less. Six officers, at least one on foot and four in cars arrived in about the time it took him to walk from Gregory, to the middle of the South Quad and back.

That’s pretty damn good. And it makes me feel better to know that the University’s contingency plan worked if there ever was such an incident (or if that gun turned out to be real). For as much shit as I give them for giving parking tickets and ruining Friday nights (I can personally attest), I saw a Uni cop run head long into a situation that he knew to be dangerous without giving it a second thought.

There has been a lot of talk about whether or not those with mental illness, or those taking medication should be allowed to purchase firearms in the wake of NIU and V. Tech. I have my own opinions about guns and gun control, and thank god, the gun he was waving was not real. But, after observing what a true mental breakdown can mean, I can’t imagine how badly things could have ended if that gun could have shot bullets instead of plastic pellets. As a nation, we reserve the rights to remove key liberties and rights if an individual has proven himself incapable or undeserving of using them responsibility (felons not being able to vote, hunters who violate game laws having their guns confiscated as examples). Maybe it’s time we start applying that same logic to those who lack, or may easily find themselves lacking, the ability to control their behavior, and whether or not those people should be allowed to own and operate firearms.

Please leave your opinions on the matter below.

Seriously. Fuck cats.

Is it possible for another NFL team to have a perfect season? No, I’m not talking about the 10-0 Tennessee Titans I’m talking about the other end of the spectrum, the 0-10 Detroit Lions. They are on the verge of becoming the first team in NFL history to achieve this magnificent feat.

Around this time last year, we were in a familiar position with the Miami Dolphins. I remember the excitement I felt each week thinking that this was the year. They blew it though. They HAD to win in week 15 against the Baltimore Ravens. This is actually one of the most depressing days of my life.

There have been a lot of 1-win teams in the history of the game, never a winless team. The Lions have high expectations to break through and become that team. Take a look at their schedule; they don’t play a single game against a team with a losing record.

For the better part of my life I was a Lions fan. I grew up in Illinois, but because of my dad, my allegiance had always been to Detroit. The end to that era came a few weeks back. Although I had bragging rights for never being a fair-weather fan, I couldn’t deal with the constant disappoint. It was easier when I didn’t live in Illinois.

Dan Orlovsky made sure to throw the game by stepping out of bounce in his own endzone, resulting in two points for the opposing team.

The real point of this story, besides the PERFECT season, of course, is that Thanksgiving Day football finally has meaning again. As long as the Lions continue their ways against 7-3 Tampa Bay and the Titans can beat the newly improved Jets, we’ll have an epic showdown on turkey day. On that day, we could possibly see two teams continue on their chosen paths, or completely crush the hopes of fans all over the country waiting to see a team run the table by going 0-16.

The Detroit Free Press clearly states for us the way for our beloved Lions to stay the course, here.

Thanksgiving just took on a whole new meaning.

A month or so ago, I received a group invite on Facebook to join a group called, Save Illinois’ State Parks. Without giving it a second thought, I joined.

During my childhood, I spent summers going to these state parks to go camping with my family.

Nostalgia aside, I feel that the political ramifications of the petition to keep Illinois’ state parks open are of particular interest.

A couple weeks after I joined the Facebook group about Illinois state parks, my mom sent me a link to a online petition on the same topic. (The closing date was touted to be Nov. 1)

I applaud Lieutenant Governor Pat Quinn for standing up for Illinois’ state parks. More than that, I applaud the Lieutenant Governor for calling our Governor out.

If you read Quinn’s plea on the petition site closely, you’ll find words like “irresponsible” and “doomsday” in reference to Governor Rod Blagojevich’s decision to close 11 state parks. Basically, Pat Quinn kept it real. He took on the most powerful state politician in HIS OWN party.

Finding a deeper meaning in this story is not exactly difficult.

The political scene in Illinois is in shambles. Democrats across the state are openly critical of Governor Blagojevich. As a result, nothing is getting done. We’re constantly spending money on “special sessions” that do nothing but frustrate those politicians who want to get things done.

The outlook for the GOP is even worse. There are virtually no strong leaders in the Republican party in Illinois.

I have no solutions to this problem. I almost have a degree in Political Science but the problems that Illinois politics face are beyond a B.S. from University of Illinois.

The proposed closing of state parks is just the beginning. We should probably get our shit figured out before the end.

What a week it was in the world of sports.

NFL referees continued to bumble and stumble their way through the season when they incorrectly reversed a last second, Troy Polamalu touchdown, resulting in an 11-10 Pittsburgh victory (the first 11-10 final in NFL history, to add some irony to the pot). It took the refs five minutes to determine whether or not the Steelers won by 1, or 7, or 8, and they still got it wrong. And of course, with the spread set at 5, any Steelers fan who bet on the game failed to cover the spread. It would seem the NFL owes the McBeam family Johnny’s college tuition.

Mark Cuban, the billionaire turned billionaire Mavericks owner was charged by the SEC for insider trading. Cuban allegedly traded some 600,000 shares of Mamma.com (with a name like that, no wonder it failed) before information on the company’s financial problems became public (that’s illegal, fyi). Cuban, who is worth several billion dollars, avoided an estimated $750,000 in losses with the sale. He might have been able to save himself a major headache by just cutting down on gold plated toilets and diamond encrusted shot clocks.

And the cherry on the sports fan’s cherry, Barack Obama’s interview on 60 Minutes where he carved out his 12 point plan to close Gitmo, solve the financial crisis, and most importantly, bring playoffs to college football.

There’s a lot of Big XII fans in Texas who are starting to think this Obama thing might not be such a bad idea after all.

Remember in Bring It On when the white cheerleaders, the Bulls (or whatever the fuck), steal the routines of the black cheerleaders, the Clovers (the writers, in all their Hollywood genius, chose to name all black school district after the symbol of an ethnic group known to be virulently anti-black).

Well, remember when in retribution for stealing their routines, the Clovers bake cupcakes full of rat poison and give them to the Toros ( I checked Wikipedia between here and three sentences ago) and the Toros nearly die? If that seems too far fetched even for a Hollywood movie that operates around the central concept that Gabrielle Union could have been in high school in 2000, guess again.

Allegedly, cheerleaders from Chapin high in El Paso, TX, baked cupcakes laced with rat poison and laxative for rival, Andres High schools’ dance team. The cupcakes in question were confiscated before they could be consumed, and while pranks amongst cheerleading squads in Texas are not unheard of, parents of Andres High students are pissed (understandably) and want the Chapin cheer squad to face criminal charges.

This all comes on the heels of another cheerleader scandal in which Patriots cheerleader, Caitlin Davis, was fired for being a party to drawing swastikas on a passed out compatriot after what surely must have been a night full of Akon and Captain Morgan Parrot Bay. For a longer list of previous cheerleader scandals (and some great pictures), consult our brothers-in-arms at Deadspin.com.

Sugar and spice and everything nice (and penises)

Just like the level of competition rises when players graduate from high school to college, so do the charges from lil’ old attempted murder to full on, Division 1 murder. The alcohol fueled double murder of two LSU fans by a Crimson Tide supporter last week may have been sparked by Bama’s 27-21 overtime victory over the Tigers (though family of the victims claim that there were deeper causes).

I suppose this answers the debate over who would win in a fight, two tigers or an elephant armed with a shotgun?

Oh, those Mormons, they’re at it again!!!

The Mormons have traditionally been the Dennis the Menace of religion, pestering us, the proverbial Mr. Wilson, with their knocks on the door and their polite smile veiled assaults on the street. Putting the extreme cases aside,the average Mormon missionary is about as harmless as a fly. After all, if they can’t drink, they’re not going to pick fights.

But, even though the average Mormon missionary at your front door will leave you alone with a simple “Not interested,” they seem less inclined to do so for these people:

Apparently, Mormons aren’t satisfied simply trampling everyone’s religious flowerbed, they feel they have to posthumously baptize Jews who perished in the Holocaust. While the Church of Latter Day Saints has said they are taking steps to prevent the practice, they refuse to call for an end to posthumous baptism, which they claim is and has been an important part of the Mormon faith.

Freedom of religion is a beautiful thing, but it’s tragic that those who perished for their faith in the Holocaust, can’t find peace, even in death.

In order to keep his fellow constituents to be (the “to be” referring to those who don’t live in Illinois…suckers) apprised of the hap around the President Elect, the Obama campaign has created a website, Change.gov. At the website, you can find news, bios, a blog written by Valerie Jarrett, and even apply for a job in the Obama Administration. A background check and cavity search are sure to follow.

While not on the site, this is certainly the impression it attempts to give.

As a citizen of the state of Illinois, I feel that I have a stake in Barack Obama’s staff. Especially when he decided today to choose Illinois king of political badassery Rahm Emanuel for his chief of staff.

Like Barack Obama, Emanuel experienced what it takes to rise quickly through the ranks of national politics.

Facetiously paramount to his obvious qualifications for the position, Emanuel’s character counterpart on The West Wing, Josh Lyman, was deputy chief of staff under President Josiah Bartlett.

I mean, isn’t chief of staff the next logical step in the TV/real world binary? Either that…or I watch far too much television.

It may not be on television anymore but look at all the lessons we’ve learned from The West Wing!!!

Rahm “He’s Our” Emanuel