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5 Great Games That Actually Suck.

posted by Chris Fairfield at 3:41 pm.

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Just about everyone has played some sort of board game in their life. The majority of people play the tried and true mainstream board games they can find in the Game/Barbie aisle of Omni-mart. This aisle is filled with fond childhood favorites. However, go back and play some of these games as an adult and you’ll find a shocking truth: they suck. Here for your reading pleasure are my top Five picks:

#5: Operation

I would like to see a video of real-life surgeons attempting to beat this frustratingly difficult game. A few years back they started advertising again for this game on T.V. making it seem like a madcap, frenetic good time. Well guess what? Advertising lies. If sitting around in a circle, taking turns pulling random body parts out of some schmuck while he buzzes and lights up is your idea of fun, I’ll be keeping my kidneys away from you and your probable bathtub of ice. Also, much like most the games on this list, they’ve shoveled out a variant of Operation for all sorts of licensed properties. For example, you can perform Operation: Spongebob Squarepants. That’s right, you get to pull crap out of a talking pantsed sponge.

#4: Don’t Break the Ice

Don’t get me wrong, these seemed like the coolest game ever as a kid (Pun definitely intended). However, even as a kid it was not hard to figure out that one merely had to keep either the row or the column intact for the ice skater to not fall down. Nowadays the game is an exercise in futility and the winner is determined based on who went first. I see that the current version of the game has a polar bear that you’re supposed to save from falling through the Ice. Hidden Global Warming messsage?

#3: Guess Who

This is another game that becomes a “who goes first, wins” sort of game. When you’re a kid and deductive reasoning isn’t your thing, then the game is a bit more fair. However, after replaying the game as an adult, I found that I could reliably eliminate at least 51% of the field with every question. I love the disclaimer in the above commercial, “Game Cards do not actually talk.” Even better, is the fact that the disclaimer was added to the commercial after the commercial aired without it. Though, I guess the type of people that would think cards could talk, are the type of people that would play Guess Who.

#2: Monopoly

The only thing shocking about the inclusion of this game is that it’s not Number 1 on this list. Seriously, have you ever completed a game of Monopoly? Ever? Let’s say you think you have. Did the game actually end or did everyone agree to end the game because it was late or one person was too far in the lead? Chances are, it’s the latter. Also, the game whores itself out to every licensable property in existence. There’s Nintendo Monopoly, Batman Monopoly, .com Monopoly, Star Trek Monopoly, General Mills Monopoly, World Cup Monopoly, U.S. Army Monopoly, just to name a few out of the hundreds of licensed offshoots. It is my firm guess that none of these variants have ever actually been played, just purchased and looked at by enthusiasts of whatever topic that monopoly game was based on. Here’s a “fun” fact for ya, the longest game of Monopoly took 1,680 hours (or 70 days straight).

#1: Risk

I can already see some of you running to get the tar and feathers. Don’t get me wrong, I love strategy board games. However, strategy in Risk takes a second billing compared to luck in Risk. Risk has too much of a luck-factor to be a good strategy game. It’s prevalent through the whole game, as anyone who’s lost a calvary piece to a lone infantryman can tell you. The payoff for spending the several hours it takes to finish the game? Having your carefully laid plans decimated by the guy who just got his third matching card and gained 50 men. Suddenly he has men on every front, he spreads around the world and wins it in one go. Suddenly, pieces and game board are flying through the air and calls of “bullshit” fill the room. There are far better strategy games out there. Far, far better ones. You don’t even have to look that far. For example, Axis and Allies, far better. Though if you want something different and more interesting to try, try Supremacy; it’s less luck based, has a really cool commodities feature, and has a much cooler look and feel.

Agree, disagree, think I’m an Idiot? Let me know in the comments.

Chris Fairfield: is an avid gamer and web surfer who happens to be hellbent on World Domination. But who isn't these days?