So… let’s talk about Postal. You know, Uwe Boll’s latest, movie-based-on-a-game? Specifically, let’s talk about it’s release on May 23rd.

Of course if you were actually planning to go see this one (are there still people out there who pay full price to see his films?), you might have a hard time of it. The movie will only be opening on four screens, nationwide. Yes, you read that right. Four.

As if it weren’t bad enough that Postal is opening against Indiana Jones, at this point, it might as well go straight to DVD. Boll is basically blaming everyone and everything except his own craptastic film-making for the situation. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that he attempted to turn a mostly plotless game into a big screen political piece. Or the fact that his last (how many now?) movies have been spectacular boxoffice failures.

But what’s even funnier than Postal opening on a paltry four screens is Boll’s barely-coherant rambling on the movie’s official website.

Movie week wraps up with these last two titles, both of which are classics in the realm of video game movies

Movie 11: Tron

Way back in 1982, Disney released Tron to an audience of moviegoers that really weren’t ready for it. Though it didn’t do so hot commercially at it’s release, Tron has become a cult classic. I love this movie, even though by today’s standards, the special effects are a little old-school. It’s a unique concept with and even more unique look.

Tron is the story of computer programmer Kevin Flynn, once employed by ENCOM, but now stuck running an arcade after having his the games he developed stolen by a coworker. When he attempts to break into the company’s mainframe to obtain the evidence he needs to prove that the games are his, the Master Control Program that all but runs the company, digitized Flynn and transports him into the computer system. Together with a security program by the name of Tron, Flynn works to stop the MCP and escape from the virtual world.

Tron has been a cult classic for years, but when it was featured in Square-Enix’s Kingdom Hearts 2, it was introduced to a whole new generation of gamers, bringing the characters of the movie back to life.

There has been some talk of a sequel in recent years, and confirmation has been mostly on-again off-again. I usually detest sequels, but in this case, I’d kind of like to see one. Maybe it will give Tron a second chance at being the blockbuster it could have been.

Movie 12: The Wizard

The last movie of Movie Week, is 1989’s The Wizard. The movie is the story of a boy named Jimmy who has been more or less catatonic since witnessing his sister’s death, but who has an amazing talent for playing video games. When his parents resolve to send him away to a psychiaitric hospital, Jimmy and his half-brother Corey embark on a trip across the country to compete in the nation video game championships to prove to his parents that he doesn’t belong in an institution.

Ridiculous premise aside, The Wizard is my all-time favorite video game-based movie… largely because someone out there actually had the balls to make a 100 minute Nintendo commercial and make people pay to see it. And a commercial is exactly what The Wizard is, right up to the big reveal of Super Mario Brothers 3, not to mention the various other products spotlighted, including the Power Glove, and the now-defunct Nintendo hints hotline. It’s a virtual tour of some of the more iconic Nintendo gadgets of the 80s.

This movie’s greatest asset is it’s campiness. Even though most of the situations are completely implausible you can’t help but cheer for the characters and boo the bad guys.

That concludes Another Castle’s movie week. Hope you enjoyed it!

Shifting back into movies-based-on-games mode, today’s movies are two of the more recent entries in the ever-growing list of game movies.

Movie 9: Resident Evil

Admittedly, the sequels weren’t all that great, and the story itself deviates from that of the games… but the first Resident Evil movie was pretty cool. It has everything a great popcorn movie needs… Evil corperation? Check. Psychotic sentient computer system? Check. Zombies and zombie attack dogs on the loose, out for blood, and killing people? Check, check, and check.

The movie starts out with the theft of the T-Virus from an underground Umbrella Corporation facility… and naturally things just get worse from there. The majority of the rest of the movie follows the team sent in to put a stop to the zombie’s house party as they are attacked, chased, and largely killed off the the marauding undead.

Resident Evil is is not a bastion of great acting, nor does it have especially astounding special effects. It’s a movie that’s just fun to watch… although it probably helps if you’re not an obsessive fan of the games, because it’s pretty loosely based on them. This is a movie that’s absolutely perfect for those nights when there is nothing worth watching on TV and you just want to see a bunch of minor characters killed in quick succession.

Movie 10: Hitman

Until recently, I had never played the Hitman series of games. Shooters aren’t really my preferred genre, but I snagged the box set of all three PS2 games for the low, low price of $11.99 plus shipping on eBay. I had heard good things about the games, so I figured I’d give them a try… and as it turned out, I loved every minute of them. So once I was done with the games, I decided to give the movie a shot (that was supposed to be a pun. Laugh, damn it!).

Much like the Resident Evil movie, Hitman is a movie best enjoyed if you don’t pay to much attention to the plot and just watch the expendable characters die. I’ve seen better (and I’ve also seen much, much worse) video game movies. I like Hitman, though, because, a) the action sequences are nicely done, and b) there are a lot of subtle nods to the games.

The story follows Agent 47, the hitman who never misses, as he, well… apparently misses. 47 is soon bound up in a conspiracy, on the run from Interpol, the Soviet police, and even his own employers.

Hitman, while it does follow the basic idea of the games, deviates a bit, emphasizing action and gunplay over the more stealthly action of it’s video game counterpart. At times, it works very well… sometime it get aggrivating. But my only real complaint on this is that Hitman the movie would have been much better if they’d cast Vin Diesel instead of Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47.

Movie week wraps up tomorrow. Stay tuned!.

Today’s game movies are hybrids of a sort. They are of the less common variety of game films wherein the game world and reality meet and mix.

Movie 7: Stay Alive

Stay Alive is your typical horror movie with a gaming twist. Upon the death of a friend, the main protagonist of the movie, Hutch, is given some of his friends possessions… including a home-brew game called “Stay Alive”, which his friend had been playing mere hours before he died. Naturally, Hutch’s friends talk him into playing the game.

It’s not long before Hutch’s friends start dying off in the same way their characters died in the game, and the group goes on a road trip to find the man who created the game.

Now when I say this is a typical horror movie, I mean it. It has all the cliche elements of the more recent movies of the genre (though less blood and gore than some). A main character with a traumatic past, the stoner, the goth, the love interest, the demented villain trying to do them all in… and of course the “Hey - Scooby - Doo - let’s - split - up - and - explore - the - scary - mansion” moment. Always a classic.

Stay Alive is one of those movies that is so over-the-top and poorly acted, that it almost works better as an unintentional comedy - and to be honest, I that’s why I like it. It’s awful, it’s cliche, it’s overdone, but it’s still fun to watch, because of the joy one can take in guessing who’s going to be the next sacrificial character to have a pair of scissors stabbed through their chest.

Movie 8: Gamebox 1.0

I never would have even heard of this movie if I hadn’t been browsing the cheap rental sections at Family Video a while back. The DVD case had this awesomely creepy picture of what looks like a third party PS2 controller and the tagline “The only way out is to win”, so naturally I absolutely had to rent it. I was a little disappointed to find out that it wasn’t a horror movie as the cover art implies, but on the whole, I’m glad I rented it.

The movie centers around a game tester named Charlie who is going through a rough patch in life (the standard movie-life problems… death of his girlfriend, unfulfilled at work, depressed, isolating himself from his friends… you get the picture). It’s not long before a mysterious package arrives, containing the latest in video game technology: GameBox 1.0.

Pretty soon, Charlie is immersed in an amazingly realistic, full virtual environment. So realistic, in fact, that after a while, the game turns out to be more real than reality, and Charlie is fighting for his life. If he dies in the game, he dies for real.

The nice thing about this movie is that it’s “game” sequences don’t focus on just one game genre… Charlie jumps from one game to the next, shooting bad guys, fighting aliens, and running from zombies. The downside? The special effects aren’t all that great and it’s very obviously targeted at young teens.

The main reason this one makes the list of “the best of the worst” though is because I felt like a total geek while watching it, and that’s never a bad thing.

Tomorrow: More game movies that are actually based on games.

Movie Week continues with two movies that are not so much translations of video games into silver screen masterpieces as they are a look at games and game culture. They’re also not exactly the most well known of the bunch, and I think they deserve a major nod.

Movie 5: Press Start

I actually feel a little bad posting about this in a series called “Best of the Worst”, because this is one of the most original and hilarious game movies I’ve ever seen. The first thing I would like to point out about Press Start is that is was shot in Chicago and right here in Champaign (you might recognize the Vet Med building late in the movie). Released in 2007 by Dark Maze Studios, it’s an independent film that parodies video games in general in an actiony, adventurey, comedic sort of way.

Press Start follows the adventures of Zack Nimbus, your average suburban kid with gravity defying hair, as he and two members of the Resistance search for the three Relics that will help to end the reign the evil Count Nefarious Vile.

What’s so very funny about this movie is that the entire thing operates on video game logic, and while no specific games are ever mentioned (in fact they don’t ever use the words “video game”), you’re hit repeatedly over the head by the constant vague, and not-so-vague, references and stereotypes. The low budget actually adds to rather than takes away from the film… and it features Daniel and Carlos Pesina, two of the motion capture actors from the original Mortal Kombat game.

As an added bonus, leading up the the release of the movie, Dark Maze Studios offered up some “prequel” Flash-toons on their website, called Bonus Levels, many of which are also included in the special features section on the DVD release. There were plans to continue the animated episodes, but the site hasn’t updated since January, and I’m not sure if that’s due simply to the time involved in making the episodes, or a permanent hiatus.

And after you’re done with the film, watch it again with the various commentaries on. Some of them are almost as funny as the movie itself.

Movie 6: La Maquina de Bailar

If this title doesn’t sound the least bit familiar, I’m not surprised. La Maquina de Bailar was released in Spain in 2006, and as far as I’ve heard, didn’t go much farther than that… which is a pity, because it’s a really funny (if cheesy as hell) movie. Those of you out there who have had a couple semesters of Spanish in school can probably see from the title where this is going…

For those of you who opted for French or German instead of Spanish, “la maquina de bailar” is literally, “the dance machine”. Yes, this movie is focused entirely on Dance Dance Revolution. And better yet, it’s a comedy.

My Spanish is a little rusty, so I probably missed some of the finer points of the movie (unfortunately, I’ve never been able to find a subtitled version), but essentially the story centers on Dani, a teenager working in a supermarket (which is coincidentally, run by a crime lord) who spends his off-time with friends at the local arcade playing DDR. Dani is asked to care for the store owner’s very valuable albino boa constrictor… and since this is a comedy, I’m sure you can guess what happens to the snake.

Suffice it to say, Dani finds himself in hot water. His solution? Recruit a group of DDR players to form a troupe, call in an ex-disco dancer turned arcade manager to coach them, and enter the upcoming international DDR tournament and beat the best player in the world. Why? To replace the snake of course. At any rate, hilarity ensues. This movie actually has a very similar tone to The Wizard. It’s sort of a combination coming-of-age, boy-meets-girl, dance-for-your-life kind of movie.

In short, the premise is completely and totally absurd, the situations range from serious to slapstick, and the climax involves a DDR-off. What’s not to love about this movie? It’s freakin’ DDR: The Movie. It’s a stupid movie that’s supposed to be stupid, pure and simple. I love it when films don’t take themselves too seriously.

The only downside is that it apparently didn’t do so hot in Spain, which means that it’s not real likely to see an overseas release… which also means that if you’re going to watch it, it’s a) going to be in Spanish, most likely sans subtitles, and b) probably not going to be a legal copy because it’s damned hard to find it to import.

Stick around for Part 4, coming tomorrow

It’s day two of Movie Week here on Another Castle. Today’s movies are entries from early 90s, which if you ask me was an absolutely classic period.

Movie 3: Super Mario Brothers

I think the only gaming movie worse than this may have been Street Fighter. Or maybe Bloodrayne. But unlike Street Fighter and Bloodrayne, Super Mario Brothers is actually watchable, and even funny (admittedly sometimes unintentionally). It was also the first game movie I actually when to see in theatres. In fact, I dragged my parents to it. I’m sure they appreciated that.

The most annoying thing about Super Mario Brothers is it’s deviation from the source material. In the games, everything is all happy and cheerfully colorful. Sure, King Koopa kidnapped the princess and there are creepy mushrooms and turtle-ducks running around all over the place, but look at the game compared to the movie. It’s as if they decided that the entire movie only takes place in the subterranean levels. Where the game is bright, colorful, and filled with catchy music, the movie is dark, dank, and steam-filled.

No, I take that back… the most annoying thing about Super Mario Brothers is what they did to the Goombas. Poor goombas. They don’t even look like goombas.

What makes this game a guilty pleasure for me, though, is what you see if you can look past how un-Mario it is at first glance. It’s hilariously bad. First of all, there are the sheer number of references to the various Mario games. They’re everywhere, and they’re not all blatant and in-your-face. Spotting them can be a lot of fun.

Then there are the scenes that are so horrible you can’t help but laugh at them. Case in point, the big “chase” scene, wherein Mario and the rescued damsels in distress escape though the frozen sewers riding on a mattress. Keeping in mind that this scene is intended to be one of the most intense and exciting bits in the movie, it’s funny because it looks like they’re moving at about half a mile an hour down a dressed up curly-slide, pursued by the creepy looking goombas.

In the end, I really do love this movie, not because it’s awesome, but because it’s awesomely bad. The movie gets an added bonus for utilizing John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper as well as it did. And also for the Bob-Ombs. I love the Bob-Ombs.

Movie 4: Mortal Kombat

Mortal Kombat is one of the very few video game-based movies that actually does a decent job of capturing the spirit of the game… even if it one of the cheesiest game films out there. They even managed to do a good job with the casting. To be honest, though, they had a pretty easy title to work with, when you think about it.

Mortal Kombat is a fighting game, the object of which is to battle your opponents in a tournament and defeat the boss at the end. There isn’t much plot. The reason the movie works is that they wisely decided not to deviate too far from this basic formula. Mortal Kombat is a fighting movie, the object of which is to have the heros battle their opponents in a tournament and defeat the boss at the end. There isn’t much plot.

What little plot there is in the movie is really so shallow that it doesn’t interfere with the main point of the film… to show game-inspired martial arts battles to the death with cool special effects thrown in to wow the audience. Sure, they tried to work in a love story and a revenge plot, but hey… you’ve got to have at least some motivation for the hero in a movie. In the end, the whole thing really did turn out like a live action version of the game, right down to Scorpion shouting “Get over here!”, and Sub Zero freezing and shattering his opponent for a fatality.

In some respects its almost exactly like the game. You can watch it without thinking, just like you can button mash your way through the game… or you can pay attention and enjoy the subtle nuances. It’s really a pity that they went in completely the opposite direction for the sequel (and the god-awful, and thankfully short-lived live action TV show).

I like Mortal Kombat for it’s simplicity. It doesn’t do much, but it does it very well. It even has a few hearty laughs thrown in for good measure, and come on… it features Christopher Lambert as Rayden.

Stay tuned for Part 3, coming tomorrow.

Welcome to Movie Week on Another Castle. Of course, since this is a gaming blog, I’ll be talking about my favorite game-inspired movies… most of which are absolutely horrible, horrible movies, but for some unfathomable reason, they’re still a guilty pleasure. To start things off, let’s look at two movies inspired by my favorite series.

Movie 1: Advent Children: Final Fantasy VII

Advent Children is the continuation of the story of Final Fantasy VII. It takes place two years after the game and is also a lead-in to Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII, Square-Enix’s somewhat pathetic attempt at a shooter. The plot (what there is of it) is almost as convoluted as FFVII itself, dealing with three men who look strikingly similar to game’s villain, Sephiroth, and their quest to reunite Jenova’s cells and pick up where Sephiroth left off before his untimely demise. Throw in a cameo from just about every major character in the game (and some not-so-major ones, who are none the less well-loved… including my personal favorite, Reno), and you have a giant heap of fan-service.

There really isn’t much depth to the movie, and though it does serve to tie up some loose ends, it leaves more for fans to ponder on (like how in the hell did Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz even come into being in the first place?). In short, it’s a very pretty movie. A very pretty movie… but it doesn’t have much to offer beyond eye-candy and some kick-ass battle sequences.

That said, I own three copies of this movie.

The first, I imported from Japan months before it was released in the U.S. (mostly because the quality on the pirated copies really sucked). Consequently, it has neither subtitles nor an English language audio track. The second is the standard 2-disc U.S. release, purchased immediately upon its release. The third is the Limited Edition Collector’s Set, U.S. release, that came out several months later. And if I’d had the money at the time, I’d have picked up the Japanese Collector’s Edition that came with the Cloud/Fenrir action figure, too. Note that I will also be buying Advent Children Complete on Blu-Ray if they ever get around to releasing it, and I’ll probably pick up the UMD release at some point now that I have a PSP (I might as well get some use out of the thing).

Now, my apparent obsession with buying multiple copies of Advent Children has absolutely nothing at all to do with it being a spectacular movie (which it’s not, even though it does have some damn impressive CGI). It has everything to do with my borderline-unhealthy obsession with all things Final Fantasy VII, which throughly qualifies it as a guilty pleasure.

Movie 2: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

The Spirits Within chronicles Dr. Aki Ross’ attempts to cure a fatal disease that began to spread after a meteor crashed to earth, spread by contact with the invading alien lifeforms the meteor brought with it. In order to do so, she and her mentor, Dr. Cid, search the planet for the eight “spirits”, eight lifeforms who’s energy signatures exactly counter those of the aliens.

Now before you purists start in on how awful this movie is, let me explain this one. As a “Final Fantasy”, I will put forth no argument against the fact that this movie is terrible. It feels nothing like a Final Fantasy, even though they tried to incorporate elements of the series.

However, as a movie in it’s own right, I think Spirits Within is actually pretty decent. If Square had left Final Fantasy off the title, I firmly believe it would have done better in theatres. Unfortunately what happened was that the fan went to it expecting a Final Fantasy movie… and it just wasn’t a Final Fantasy movie. And they told everyone so. Mainstream moviegoers avoided it because it was just another one of those awful movies based on a game. In the end, it flopped, big time.

In truth, though, the movie was beautifully rendered, fully CG, and from a technical standpoint, simply amazing. It also featured Steve Buscemi, which is always a bonus. The action scenes were intense, the more poignant scenes were well-done, and in the end, you couldn’t help but sympathize with the story’s villain because he was only trying to save others from the pain he experiences… even though he went about it all wrong.

The Spirits Within, in that respect, is not so much a guilty pleasure as it is a quality film that got a bad rap (due to piss-poor marketing) that it never managed to shake off.

Tomorrow: Super Mario Brothers and Mortal Kombat