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A Dozen Roses

posted by Matt Klomp at 2:25 am.

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Happy Valentines Day, everyone.

I’m all about breaking the mold here, so I’ve made a list of some of the LEAST romantic love songs I’ve ever heard. I’m not saying that these people didn’t mean well, but a few of these lyrics may have missed the mark. I’ll let you be the judge.

1. The Violent Femmes - Add It Up -”Why can’t I get just one kiss? Believe me there’s some things I wouldn’t miss, but I look at your pants and I need a kiss.”
2. Nirvana - About a Girl - Just the “I can see you every night (for) free” line makes this one stand out to me.
3. The Replacements - Kiss Me On the Bus - This song is about making out on a bus in front of strangers. I’m sure it felt romantic at the time, Paul Westerberg.
4. Pedro the Lion - Options - There are so many gems that could easily fit in here from this band, but this one is my favorite. “We were walking, holding hands.. with our bare feet in the sand.. and the seagulls overhead.. when I broke the spell and said, “I could never divorce you without a good reason… and though I may never have to, it’s good to have options.”‘
5. The Velvet Underground - Pale Blue Eyes - This is a love song Lou Reed apparently wrote for one of his friends’ wives he’d been sleeping with. “It was good what we did yesterday, and I’d do it once again. The fact that you are married only proves that you’re my best friend.”
6. Pixies - I’ve Been Tired - “I wanna be a singer like Lou Reed.
‘I like Lou Reed’ she said, sticking her tongue in my ear. ‘Why don’t you tell me one of your biggest fears?’
I said, ‘Losing my penis to a whore with disease.. Just kidding,’ I said. ‘Losing my life to a whore with disease.’
7. Radiohead - Thinking About You - The fact that I sang along to this song when I was like 11 really freaks me out now. But who says songs about masturbation can’t be at least a little endearing?
8. Jawbreaker - Oyster - “I don’t want to kiss right now. You’re probably just what I need but I can’t stand your mouth. If you’re gonna sleep like that you might as well be dead. But you still want all the covers.”
9. The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma - Depending on how you interpret this one, Morrissey is either singing about: A) how we wants to kill his comatose girlfriend or B) how his girlfriend used to really piss him off and now that she’s in a coma things have been a lot easier for him. Take your pick.
10. Third Eye Blind - Burning Man - This song begins with the lyrics, “The rise and fall of my sloppy love, the smatterings and splatterings.. they’ll get you.” Seriously.
11. Damien Rice - Accidental Babies - This song is kind of a bummer on top of being over-the-top and crude. The lyrics are a little risqué even for this blog.
12. Frank Zappa - My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama - The title says it all, I suppose. And there’s still a whole star-crossed lovers vibe about it. Frank Zappa’s woman’s parents don’t want Frank Zappa seeing their daughter (I know… crazy, right?) and Frank Zappa is sweetly offering to kill her parents so they can be together.

Ah, L’amour.

Matt Klomparens: I'm the Music Director for WPGU and I'll be keeping you posted every week about all of the best new indie and alternative music to tune in for. Please feel free to let us know how you think we're sounding, and thanks for listening!